AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

[MyNavyFish]

I have an 8 month DS and have suffered from PND and PNA. My DH works unsociable hours and has been working more as my SMP will stop.

Since giving birth my self confidence is at an all time low. I had a complicated birth resulting i an emergency C-section and was poorly after. I have severe hair loss, terrible cystic acne and as I have DS on my own all the time I have no time for self care like hair, make up and nails. My body has changed and I have no idea what to wear.

At night when DS goes to bed I'm exhausted and after tidying up and washing/sterilising/eating I go to bed too.

My sex drive is pretty much non existant but I've explained to DH why I feel this way. He is always making comments about not getting any albeit they are not nasty.

Yesterday DS and I were going out and I forgot his bag. The front door was already locked and DH was running up the stairs carrying his VR headset. I knew instantly that he was going to watch porn. I just said, "I know what you're doing " and left. Neither of us have mentioned it since.

I feel so sad. I understand he has sexual urges but my self confidence is so low and the fact he is imagining sex with other women who have beautiful bodies makes me feel even worse.

AIBU?

Probably a quiet wank in a corner.

Tough life choices for some couples.

I agree.

We get enough shame from men when it comes to enjoying sex.

Women enjoy partaking in and watching porn too.
We are not all downtrodden little damsels in distress.

If my DH had an issue with me watching porn or masturbation then I would see it as controlling and would end the relationship.

If he was choosing to wank instead of having sex, then yes it becomes a problem.

But choosing to masturbate whilst maintaining a healthy sex life or because their partner does not want to right now, is absolutely fine and normal.

I’m sure OP masturbates too, or will do soon, even if she’s not ready for sex yet.

The op posted she had explained to her dp why she is not feeling like wanting to have sex and he is always mentioning not getting any - that is not supportive or what should be expected from a loving caring partner

if after reading her whole post you still think he is not being nasty then you bar is low for how women should be treated

You need to have an honest conversation with him OP. Make it clear that his comments about sex are hurting you, and while you understand that he has needs, they need to stop.

Same with the porn. Would you have an issue with it if you weren't experiencing these health issues and had an active sex life? If it's making you feel inadequate due to your current circumstances, tell him. Try and find a compromise. Ask him why he's watching it...his response might reassure you if it is just a visual aid.

I don't believe in dictating when, where and how someone can masturbate (within reason), but equally if him watching porn is an absolute red line for you in any circumstances, you're absolutely entitled to feel that way. But you must make that clear to him, so that he can make an informed choice.

Watching porn and masturbation are not synonymous.

It's not the masturbation that's dangerous it's the hiding things from your partner and secrecy thats a dangerous mindset to have. It has potential to develop further. Its certainly not the foundation of trust and doesn't promote intimacy. Its the absolute opposite direction this man should be going if he wants more intimacy with his partner.

To announce suggest he still wouldnt be considering his partner. So yes when both options are not considering his partner there is a issue. When you're in a relationship you can't do exactly as you please and expect the other person to never have feelings about it.

Exactly. The OP should be able to talk with him about this, and, if he's a decent father, he should be providing as much support as he can to give her time to recover. It's a long slog looking after babies and him focusing his attention elsewhere isn't going to improve their relationship.

Hi OP. I just came to say that I could have written this post. I'm 10 months PP, still b/f and have a husband doing the same and also making comments - while I'm feeling like a mess. Don't want to hijack your thead but just say you're not the only one and send you a hug x

I agree with this.

I also wonder what everyone who thinks he should just have a quick wank in the shower think about women using toys and taking the time to pleasure themselves, instead of just taking a quick minute in the shower? Is that also disrespectful and gross?

I'm not a man - I'm sure MNHQ can verify that for you if you want (I've posted something linked to my real name under a previous username; and I've been on MN under various names for 10 years now).

I have, however, seen plenty of marital breakdowns due to lack of sex resulting in infidelity. It's all well and good saying that you don't have to have sex, but the reality is that if you don't have sex with your husband for long enough, in many cases he will eventually start to look for sex elsewhere. That may not be palatable, but it's the reality, and ignoring that does women a disservice.

You see it all the time on the relationship board - women who admit they've not had sex with their husband for years, who are devastated when he then has an affair or leaves for another woman.

It's just so pathetic. First chance you're out of the house he's upstairs watching porn?

Whatta a guy

But not having sex for years is a bit different to currently not feeling like it postpartum, post surgery, post having had postnatal depression and anxiety, and not sounding like OP's getting much support from their partner. She mentions she doesn't have time for any self care as has DS the whole time and goes to bed after sterilising bottles etc exhausted. Why isn't DH helping? And aside from that, it's a small window of life and I'm sure OP's sex drive will come back. Surely DH can have a wank without VR headset, porn etc. What happened to the old days when we used our imaginations?

Yeah reminds me of an ex partner. Came back once and curtains were closed in living room middle of the day. We were having regular sex too. Most online porn use I'm afraid to say is pretty sad and squalid.

Another agree with this!
Hubs says it can actually get quite painful with a full load on board so to speak!
I admit him being online within minutes of you walking out the door is a bit fast however his sex drive hasn’t gone anywhere and he’s just scratching an itch so to speak. He probably isn’t imaging sex with others that’s just your low self confidence speaking. He’s not pressuring you to have sex and he’s not on dating apps/ seeking sex elsewhere so I’d see the porn as a win!

No thing wrong with masturbation. Plenty wrong with watching porn.

It’s like anything, alcohol/fags/drugs/porn. It’s all fine until it isn’t and it has an impact on someone you love. Then you pack it in.

So this isn’t a porn-specific issue, he just shouldn’t masturbate at all then. All of it takes away from dad responsibilities?

Agree. He isn’t pressuring you.

@MyNavyFish do you think you can have a conversation about this with him? The awkward silence must be festering for both of you.
He’s not wrong for having a sex drive, and you’re not wrong for not feeling ready for a sexual relationship. Sex is hard to talk about because we all come with baggage of some sort.

Ester Perel has a wonderful podcast and I’ve found listening to some of the couple conversations helped me expand my comfort zone of what we could and should bring into the open.

Erm - so you didn't read my final sentence then: "Surely DH can have a wank without VR headset, porn etc. What happened to the old days when we used our imaginations?"
So for the avoidance of doubt, this is a porn-specific issue. Wank away, I say, but how about at night when partner is asleep and he's in another room rather than whacking on the VR headset the moment she leaves the house & running upstairs to crack one out 'to porn' (again for the avoidance of doubt) like a teenager? And why doesn't he help sterilising bottles or look after their DS so she can go and have nails done or hair cut or whatever would help her feel more herself again?

So many posters don't seem to realise that pornographic images have been around more or less since drawing was invented. The ancient Greeks produced quite a lot of very explicit artworks! Pornographic images on paper were followed by photographs and films, and now it's all over the internet. Masturbating to pornographic images is nothing new, people certainly haven't always been using just their imagination.

I don't think the OP's DH is in the wrong here, he's trying to deal with not having sex. If watching porn is a red line for the OP in general then she needs to talk to him, but I wouldn't hold out much hope that he's going to stop watching it, especially not as long as he is not having sex. Ten months is not long over the course of a lifetime, but it does feel very long while you're going through it.

No, I read it.

Masturbating with a VR headset prevents the husband from sterilising bottles how exactly? But using imagination means that he can still help around the house?

Society is very brainwashed about this, OP. It has become so normalised and men so entitled that women are told they’re not allowed to have a negative feeling about it.

porn is no longer a top shelf magazine or a video from a seedy shop with no windows. It’s extreme, plentiful, the women often look very young and is quite often violent. Men who watch it see women as objects, that’s the part of their brain that lights up as they view. I would urge the cool wives to look at what their husbands are viewing then come back and tell us they still think it’s harmless.

’he’s not thinking about having sex with them’ that old chestnut. Of course he is.

Of course we realise porn has been around since ancient times - I wrote a dissertation on Victorian sexuality for god's sake - but online porn is a whole different boardgame. One click and pretty much anyone anywhere could be watching it. (A plumber came to my sister's work and she caught him watching it on his phone while he was waiting for his colleague to fetch a part!) I myself used to read Henry Miller and Harold Robbins aged 15 from my parents' bookshelves, but I was still needing to use my imagination. It was the written word. Not a video played in front of my eyes.

I think what I'm getting from OP is it's the fact she's not feeling in a great place after DS's birth and off DH goes to look at unrealistic women online. Which is fair. And for god's sake, it's his baby she's had not just hers. Why doesn't he pull his finger out (unfortunate phrase maybe) and then they might end up having sex again sooner?