AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

[MyNavyFish]

I have an 8 month DS and have suffered from PND and PNA. My DH works unsociable hours and has been working more as my SMP will stop.

Since giving birth my self confidence is at an all time low. I had a complicated birth resulting i an emergency C-section and was poorly after. I have severe hair loss, terrible cystic acne and as I have DS on my own all the time I have no time for self care like hair, make up and nails. My body has changed and I have no idea what to wear.

At night when DS goes to bed I'm exhausted and after tidying up and washing/sterilising/eating I go to bed too.

My sex drive is pretty much non existant but I've explained to DH why I feel this way. He is always making comments about not getting any albeit they are not nasty.

Yesterday DS and I were going out and I forgot his bag. The front door was already locked and DH was running up the stairs carrying his VR headset. I knew instantly that he was going to watch porn. I just said, "I know what you're doing " and left. Neither of us have mentioned it since.

I feel so sad. I understand he has sexual urges but my self confidence is so low and the fact he is imagining sex with other women who have beautiful bodies makes me feel even worse.

AIBU?

The absolute pick mes this subject always brings out.
you are allowed to have any boundary in your relationship

Agree their posts are obvious on these threads.

On a side note, I love your name!

I don’t think anyone is failing to realise that. However, modern freely available online porn shows extreme and violent images, and frequently uses trafficked, and exploited women. And is highly addictive. There is a big difference between that and erotic cave paintings.

Ok the fact you didn't seem to realise I had no problem with wanking, just not to porn made me think you hadn't read it.

And yeah masturbating with a VR headset doesn't stop him from sterilising bottles - great catch. Something else is stopping him from doing that. I don't know, laziness, selfishness, lack of empathy, take your pick.

He should be able to eank with out stopping to porn.

So many pearl clutching weirdos on this thread wanting to police how another human being finds a release in a unilaterally decided celibate marriage.

We get it, he has his hand - how dare he actually try to make it interesting.

Eight months is a long time to not have needs met. Of course, it could actually be longer depending if OP went off sex during pregnancy too.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable to try to explain those needs either, and it doesn’t sound like he’s said anything pressuring - just communicated that he would like intimacy to resume.

I also think it’s disingenuous to refer to yourself as postpartum 8 months after birth.

Who are all you posters who are wanking off to porn?! Haven’t you got anything else to do? Seriously, I’m amazed.

I find it bizarre how many people are unable to distinguish between “masturbation” and “porn”.

Yes. With POV VR porn the man involved is him. Its one step down from having a sex doll.

Yes you can. But why would he need privacy when he's at home alone?

There's only one reason to use a VR headset when you're alone and it's not for privacy.

Just because YOU enjoy watching trafficked women being raped doesn't mean the rest of us have to agree with it

You ARE aware of the stats on this I take it?

But why would he need privacy when he's at home alone?

In case anyone pops back unexpectedly? So he doesn't have to use his phone or a tablet/computer that others might use? Maybe he just wants that 120" virtual screen, Dolby Surround emersive experience 😅

There's only one reason to use a VR headset when you're alone and it's not for privacy.

I watched The Terminator on mine the other night 😬

They're the sort of people who can't imagine a man that could pleasure themselves without the use of a woman, virtual or otherwise. I'm sure back in generations past they would've been the ones insisting that OP just needs to lie back and think of England twice a week, because her DH needs release, and it's her job to provide it.

But men are quite capable of having a nice, relaxing, leisurely wank without the use of porn that makes their DW feel awful (ethical issues aside), and then getting up and doing the washing/sterilising bottles/taking the baby for a few hours, so that their DW can go have a nice pamper session and feel like a human again.

This prince among men seems only concerned with pleasing himself though.

Did they? Erotic art is thought to go back about 40,000 years, it's considerably older than the invention of magazines or film.

The thing is, if there is a strong moral objection to porn or it’s affecting the relationship then that is absolutely valid.

But the idea that you that it stops him from being a dad or doing chores makes no sense. Whether you look at photos/videos or not, masturbation is masturbation. And it’s not stopping him from being attracted to op either.

Even men/women who prefer to use their imagination might still want to look at something from time to time. Ive had issues with porn in my own relationship but you can’t police what people do/watch in privacy especially if sex is off the table.

Can you really not see a difference between erotic art and online porn?

have DS on my own all the time I have no time for self care like hair, make up and nails.

This would insinuate that he isnt a good husband and father; if OP has DS on her own all the time, the "father" likely does sweet FA, yes he works but he doesnt work 24/7, he has a VR headset, he finds time for that but OP cant even get a relaxing bath and some self care.

Also, given the OP was going out with DS (alone, again...); and he decided that rather than join them; he'd use the time to go have a wank with a VR headset, why not take the opportunity to spend time with his wife and child? This again would insinuate he isnt a good husband or father. He could have spent that free time joining his wife and child on their trip but the first thing that popped into his head was to run upstairs with the VR to empty his balls.

Doesn't sound like a good husband and father to me.

OP YANBU, he's a selfish prick.

He sounds pathetic doesn’t he. Sad little wanker. I’d never want to sleep with him again.

No one is saying masturbating to online porn stops him from being a dad - but he's clearly not being a supportive dad, and helping with the baby would actually give OP some time for herself, in which to feel more her again. And therein might lead the road to resuming their sex life quicker. OP paints a picture of a DH who's not pulling his weight. Nothing so unsexy as a second child to deal with.

And come on, there's a furtive, teenagery vibe to this. OP goes out with the baby and he's rushing upstairs with VR headset. Of course no one can police how another person masturbates, but I think many of us feel frustrated that so many men (and some women) hit the button to often violent, extreme and demeaning content and feel wistful for the old days of Readers' Wives and the odd VHS! And of course they can do it, but many of us don't have to like or put up with it.

I agree with this. I would be nostalgic anjoyed that I felt like I didn't get a moment alone without the baby while he seems to have time to sort himself out. He needs to be pulling his weight rather than be grumping about what he isn't getting. Once op loses respect for him the marriage is as good as over.

You can't expect him to lose his sex drive alongside yours. He just needs to understand where you're at and not make comments. (And be less obvious when he wants to sort himself out.) Sounds like you need another conversation about this with him to talk about how you both feel.

Of course, but erotic art - and indeed actual pornographic art - has been around for thousands of years, it's not a modern invention, it's something humans create.

First sensible response I've seen relating to porn on MN! 👏🏼 I agree with this.

It’s funny because I had never seen a gang bang ‘acted’ non-consensually, triple penetration or anal fisting on a girl that looked underage until around 2011.

Nobody was drawing that in hieroglyphics.