AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

[MyNavyFish]

I have an 8 month DS and have suffered from PND and PNA. My DH works unsociable hours and has been working more as my SMP will stop.

Since giving birth my self confidence is at an all time low. I had a complicated birth resulting i an emergency C-section and was poorly after. I have severe hair loss, terrible cystic acne and as I have DS on my own all the time I have no time for self care like hair, make up and nails. My body has changed and I have no idea what to wear.

At night when DS goes to bed I'm exhausted and after tidying up and washing/sterilising/eating I go to bed too.

My sex drive is pretty much non existant but I've explained to DH why I feel this way. He is always making comments about not getting any albeit they are not nasty.

Yesterday DS and I were going out and I forgot his bag. The front door was already locked and DH was running up the stairs carrying his VR headset. I knew instantly that he was going to watch porn. I just said, "I know what you're doing " and left. Neither of us have mentioned it since.

I feel so sad. I understand he has sexual urges but my self confidence is so low and the fact he is imagining sex with other women who have beautiful bodies makes me feel even worse.

AIBU?

Are you the OP's husband or what? You seem weirdly invested in this, and oddly outraged.

OP, YANBU. The bar for men is in hell, looking at this thread.

You've been through hell having a baby for the both of you. You are still recovering. Meanwhile he's off to wank to presumably images of other women where the woman isn't postpartum and recovering. That is DEEPLY hurtful.

I don’t think what he’s done is disgusting, but if it becomes a habit it will ruin the relationship. It’s a vicious circle. OP has the ick, DH keeps “sorting himself out”, OP gets used to this situation and it stops the pestering. Eventuallly there’s no sex at all. Both partners are unhappy. It’s very unhealthy so OP does need to have a conversation now.
I agree with PPs who have said that the bar seems to be set very low for men. What on earth did they do before porn?

There has always been porn.

Some of you have ridiculous and frankly worrying hangups about all this.

And do you think his comments were meant positively? Do you think he was expressing happiness at their lack of sex? Because I doubt it. His comments in context cannot be neutral, and are clearly meant as subtle pressure, reminding her that he's unhappy about the lack of intimacy.

Fair enough that he's unhappy (he's entitled to be, I suppose), but he also needs to be understanding of OP's post-baby (if that makes you feel better) issues, and yet again: He should be addressing the situation by helping and uplifting the OP in ways that might allow her to feel attractive, relaxed, and more interested in intimacy with him, not by running off to engage in VR porn, and making her feel worse.

I’m invested, says the person citing he may move to paedophilia??

and let me explain the difference in porn to glamour. He isn’t wanking to just women unless it’s lesbian porn. It’s sex. There will be a man involved too.

The bar has always been set low for men. All they have to do is please themselves. Women have to please everyone.

@BeaRightThere my “hangup” has arisen from being married to a self-confessed porn addict who has had therapy to no effect.

There has not always been hardcore porn on video, accessible at a man's fingertips at any time or place - and especially not hardcore VR porn.

We get it. You think porn is great, and that anyone who thinks it's unethical, sordid, unhealthy, or bothersome has 'hang ups'. Blah blah blah.

Personally, I think you have dreadfully low standards, and it's rather pathetic to see so many women run to defend a man who'd rather wank over porn and make his wife feel bad, while constantly making comments about the lack of sex, rather than be a good husband who is emotionally and practically supportive of his wife during this short but difficult season of their life.

OP is not being unreasonable to feel bad. I'm not sure what the best solution is, but I think perhaps an honest conversation is needed, in which they both express their needs and desires, and figure out a compromise that takes into account that OP is the one who has birthed a baby, and is dealing with PND and PNA.

OP actually said he was nit being nasty

So sorry you're going through that. I'd really recommend a minwhalla trained therapist if that's not something you've explored already.

This might unpopular, but I’m a woman I watch porn and still very much fancy my husband, he watches porn , no issue with it, hasn’t changed anything between us, we also watch it together. I think personally you are reading too much in to it.

I said no such thing, you are mixing me up with someone else. Although that person did not actually say he might move to paedophilia. She said where is the line drawn with what is acceptable? Why would it bother you so much anyway, unless you know these people? Why are you so insistent to defend the right of this husband to wank to porn while his wife recovers from birthing their baby?

Are you suggesting he's wanking to look at men now? If he's straight, that's not it. And we all know straight porn focuses more on the woman's boy.

At this point, you might as well be jumping up and down on the spot shouting pick me, pick me. If you're actually a woman.

He is always making comments about not getting any albeit they are not nasty.

You are focusing on the wrong thing here.

Him masturbating or watching porn aren’t the issue.

Him constantly bringing up the fact that he’s not having sex is what’s disrespectful.

Ewwww. Poor you OP. Porn use is gross on SO many levels. He does not sound like a very good partner tbh. But it's all on him. Do not be castigating yourself. Enjoy your baby. 💐

I completely disagree.

As long as it doesn’t affect the other person (like it’s if it’s using money or something illegal) then it’s fine to not need to know every single detail about each other.

I am assuming your DH isn’t sat there writing your posts with you and you’re not going to update him on what you’ve said on here - if you feel you need to then you are in a controlling relationship.

Your DH has no right to know anything about how often you masturbate, how you’re doing it or what you’re doing it to and vice versa.

But its okay for him to want to have sex with his wife is it not? His comments are not nasty (even the OP admits this) and its not like he is nagging her or pestering her in bed for it. He is obviously wanting to be intimate with his wife. It seems she has told him she doesn't feel like it at the moment so okay, maybe she should ask him to stop with the comments about it if it makes her feel bad. But its down to her to tell him this and communicate that she doesn't like them.

But I still don't think there is anything wrong with him pleasuring himself if he needs to. Its not selfish to get yourself off if you feel the need. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. Most of us do it, myself included. Surely better to do that than have an affair or go out and pay for it don't you think?

Thats why I said to a degree and not every single detail.
What will affect the other partner will be subjective to that partner we are all different. So a general conversation about pornography and masturbation needs to be had at the start of the relationship.
Transparency is where both partners freely want to share with eachother not feeling they have to

or should.

All relationships can look differently but it's important op is a active part in what her relationship looks like and that it suits her.

Not necessarily. Specialist content/accessories for that do exist, but OP doesn't mention them.

You can use a VR headset to virtually project a large screen in front of you to watch video content. And if you're watching porn that way, there's the added bonus it being completely private.

How is it dangerous to masturbate in private?

If this husband announced it, it would be an issue. Does it alone discreetly and it’s still an issue

I'm with you and I enjoy watching porn also. But this is MN and anyone who watches porn is classed as disgusting, especially men 🙄

I've said that it's both understandable for him to want to be intimate with his wife, and to masturbate, so I'm not sure why you're saying that. Masturbation is perfectly healthy!

What's not okay is to make constant comments about the absence of sex (which I am willing to bet are not 'it's totally fine we're not having sex, honey! I fully support you, and don't miss it at all!' but rather do put pressure on her), and watch porn, while also not doing anything to lighten his wife's load or make her feel supported, attractive, and potentially more interested in intimacy.

Yes, she probably should initiate a talk about how she feels regarding the porn, and her self-image, and how they can support each other moving forward, but at the moment it seems as though he's not doing very much to try to support his wife when she needs it most - rather he's focusing on his own selfish desires, in a way that ironically is going to make her want him less.

Your name suits you!

This nails it in my view. Don't get the feeling OP's DH is supporting her in being a new mum especially given what she went through with the birth and after it.

I suspect this is one of the many menz chipping in. Like catnip to them threads like this. Tragic.

Woman's *body, not boy 😅