Friend brainwashing child into 'mental illness'

[Jollyjupiter]

My daughter had a sleep over at our house with her friend (my friends daughter).
Both are 6yrs old.
My friend has suffered from 'mental illness' for as long as i've known her but has never seeked professional help, yet she considers her anxiety, trauma responses to be all consuming. I've g
ot to the point where i simply change the subject.

However, her 6yr old is now openly telling my daughter she is anxious and cannot do certain things as she finds them 'triggering'. This language has obviously been picked up at home.
I do not want my child to hear such words as at 6yrs she does not need to be around this.
Aibu to start to stop these playdates and sleepovers?

Ok then

I wouldn't report her to anyone as some have suggested.
But I have to say I have become very intolerant of people who don't seek medical help.

Actually you're wrong - mental health IS contagious,

It may not be biologically contagious, but it is socially and emotionally contagious - the behaviours of the mother are being copied by the 6 year old daughter, which can then be copied by friends, so the OP is correct to be concerned.

It's a well known fact that children mimic their parents behaviour. If they're treated with aggression, they often behave like that with peers, if a parent has an irrational fear of something, it's common their child will too, and if a parent uses specific vocabulary paired with an action, that can also be copied e.g. the parent getting panicked by something and commenting that it has "triggered them".

@Jollyjupiter has nothing to be ashamed of, and should be reporting the welfare of the child. This parent clearly needs help.

MH issues are absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but when it starts profoundly impacting a child, it becomes a form of child abuse and child protection services need to step in.

But psychological contagion is well documented? (and noted as more common in women)

MH is emotionally contagious, anyone remember the 90s and anorexia? You barely hear about it in teens now. Instead you see anxiety and language like the OP says.

I'd either cool the relationship or I'd say things like "the way to overcome anxiety is to do the thing your anxious about, and train your brain that it's OK".

@GingerBeverage @Happytaytos OPs daughter isn't going to suddenly develop an anxiety disorder by association.

Yes worse case she might pick up on some of the language. She might also pick up on swearing or that Santa isn't real in the playground. You can't go around wrapping your child in cotton wool.

It's much more important to teach her daughter to be kind and understanding. Shunning another child for using the word anxiety is NOT kind. It is very nasty and immature behaviour. Acting like another child has a contagious illness because they have a 'mental illness' is pathetic behaviour by the OP.

One day OP might need support and how would she feel if everyone ran away because it might be catching.

Yanbu to put your dd first. If dd brings up being anxious explain that life has events where it’s normal to worry. You probably have lots of stories like a new school, new area etc and how things gel into place because you were strong and brave. Change can be better but understandable if you feel scared beforehand. You are there to offer support and hugs when the changes come

Oh I don't disagree that the child needs help and support. Hence, why I would never be so cold to shun a child who is clearly in a bad way.

Kids copy behaviour yes. That's not contagious. Kids decide what football team they like or pop stars based on their friends. That's normal.

IF OPs child starts to talk about these things then I'm sure OP is more than capable of explaining to her what anxiety is. There are plenty of books to deal with worries etc.

She's going to come across this stuff at some point as young people are very aware of mental health and triggers. They will all know about it the same way we knew about flu and chickenpox. It's not a bad thing.

Do NOT call social services OP! That would be a vile thing to do to your friend. Risk her having her child taken away from her because she needs a bit of support? (Which btw SS will not provide her) Who the fuck does that?! I agree I wouldn’t want my child around that language either. I’d speak to the mum and tell her how it could affect your dd and perhaps, depending on your relationship and how you think she’d take it, suggest it’s damaging to her own daughter too and ask her how you could support her as her friend

OP really isn’t demeaning her. OP is smart enough to shield her 6-year old child from a life long behaviour you don’t really don’t want them to learn. Tbh SS should be involved.

Why is calling social services a vile thing to do?! The child is clearly being affected by her mother's MH issues, so why would you NOT put the child's welfare first?!?!?

NOT calling social services when a child's well-being is at stake is vile.

One of my best friends has MH issues and health anxiety, and this is clearly also impacting her children. Social services are involved to make sure the family and kids get sufficient support.

Why do people assume social services is a bad thing?! They are there to help and work WITH the family to support them.

Yanbu to distance yourself completely op.

On a smaller scale but my dd had something similar where a friend at school (5 years old!) started telling dd is was best "not to eat all the meat on your plate just the salad" because "it's good to be on a diet".

Both dd and the classmate are the slim side of average. The classmate's mum is the one who is slightly overweight but on a perpetual diet and mentions it in front of the kids including mine. I disapprove so vehemently of getting young healthy children into diet culture.

I told dd they were unhealthy ideas and to ignore them.

This isn't very "be kind" but this could work in your case too op - when dd asked me if it was "a good idea to be on a diet" I asked her to compare my body and friend's mum's, which is healthier? Is the dieting working for her? No. So that's why we take my advice on eating not hers. Eat the healthy meal you're served at school, more main meal rather than pudding, stop when you're full, end of.

I'd do the same, op. Who is more grounded/calm/sensible, me or your friend's mum? Right, so that's why we ignore the stuff friend's mum says about emotions etc.

I think it would be vile to put a friend over a child who is being damaged by said friend. The child should be the priority here.

There is a high threshold to reach before a child is removed. When it happens it is because there is a real genuine risk to the child - as a civilised society we should 100% support that intervention when appropriate.

It is incorrect to say SS wont offer support. That is precisely what they are there for. If they took every child into care just because a parent had MH issues there would be uproar and the country would be bankrupt in 2 days. That is a last resort.

However I do agree that a report to SS may be unnecessary here and a bit extreme.

There’s probably a DLA claim in process. I’d just keep my daughter away from it.

@Jollyjupiter

This thread... 🫠

Look your priority is your child (rightly)

Theres no way I'd be exposing my kids to this at 6. I wouldnt love it at 16.

Stop all playdates and all sleepovers and honestly end the friendship with the mother.

I say this as someone who has had various mental health challenges particularly post birth so I'm not in denail mental health struggles are real but this mess isnt something I'd involve my children in

There’s been no formal diagnosis, so quotation marks are perfectly legitimate.

If you told me you had cancer but had never seen a doctor, I’d be within rights to say you have “cancer” too - because I’m quoting you knowing there is no medical or scientific evidence to back it up.

Tbf she's not the only one who's learned the superpower of the summoning of the Trigger.

It seems to be becoming the norm. Nobody ever just doesn't like something. They're triggered by it.

Its manipulative.

And insulting to actual traumatised people

I wouldn't worry much about any influence on your daughter at this age. Parents and school teachers are the overriding influencers in her life, and if you see her using being triggered as an excuse not to eat her veg then you can put her on the right course.

I do wonder though if the child's behaviour is sufficiently worrying to report to the school?

Yeah give her a miss

I couldn’t have put it better myself!!

Theres a child in my daughters class with a mother like this and we’ve all had to speak to school about some of the stuff this girl says to the other girls in the class as it’s not really appropriate- words like triggering and all sorts of other stuff and I know for a fact that one mum did call social services because of some of the stuff the girl disclosed at her house on a play date.

Its not acceptable for kids to have to deal with this mental load at that age and if the mother isn’t doing anything about it then I absolutely would.

6 year olds do not have to become attuned to supporting mental ill health in either adults, or children who live with adults suffering it. It is not a young child’s role to do this. Suggesting a girl (and I wonder if a boy would be under such pressure) needs to learn to do this because to do otherwise is keeping them in cotton wool is manipulative.

I completely disagree with you. There is so much social contagion now around 'anxiety' and we need to stop framing normal feelings as 'anxiety' we need to normalise to children that a few worries and wobbles here and there are normal and no you won't always feel comfortable this is normal life

Far too many people have got bogged down in 'anxiety' and aren't managing to work and it's a huge problem in the UK now

I took my teenage daughters tiktok away because she was stuck in the mh algorithm and diagnosing herself with allsorts and copying behaviours. So I absolutely would end a 6 year olds friendship for this. It starts as just words that your daughter will end up copying then it will move to self harm and avoidance and self diagnosing.

I’ll preface this by saying I’m kind of mean, but if I notice a child who has behaviours like this I cut play dates and sleep overs. Also encourage my kids to find other friends. At that age they’re so easily influenced it’s not worth it. I don’t do it for kids who are a bit naughty or cheeky, but kids who do things like what you’ve described are a hard no. I’ve only done it twice (one was food related and one was anxiety related) and it does suck, but I’m not dealing with that. Prioritise your child.