Friend brainwashing child into 'mental illness'

[Jollyjupiter]

My daughter had a sleep over at our house with her friend (my friends daughter).
Both are 6yrs old.
My friend has suffered from 'mental illness' for as long as i've known her but has never seeked professional help, yet she considers her anxiety, trauma responses to be all consuming. I've g
ot to the point where i simply change the subject.

However, her 6yr old is now openly telling my daughter she is anxious and cannot do certain things as she finds them 'triggering'. This language has obviously been picked up at home.
I do not want my child to hear such words as at 6yrs she does not need to be around this.
Aibu to start to stop these playdates and sleepovers?

I don’t think you’re horrible, OP. It sounds like that child is exposed to a lot of mental health–related discussion and is picking it up and repeating it. That’s just part of their environment, and likely reflects that their mum has her own struggles.

I do think it’s important to give your daughter some balance and context, a broader view of life, including perspectives that aren’t so centred on mental health and illness, in an age-appropriate way.

Some people do live with very visible struggles day to day, and for others it’s much less prominent. Both exist, and it’s helpful for children to understand that range.

I say this because a close relative of mine, in their early teens, became part of a friendship group where several of the children had parents with mental health issues. Over time, my relative became convinced they had multiple conditions themselves, because those friends kept saying they recognised “the signs” from their own experiences.

No one was being malicious, but we didn’t realise how much it had influenced them until those armchair diagnoses were really embedded.

It might just be a case of gently grounding your daughter in a wider, more balanced perspective.

@ grapesstrawberriespleass -
Well it is “mental health” if the friend has never sought any kind if help for it, and if her DC has learnt at the age of six, for heaven’s sake, that “mental health” is a get out of jail free card to do or avoid doing anything she chooses. I’m sure she probably is anxious, and her DM has made her so, but it doesn’t mean that she can’t learn to overcome some of her anxiety, or that the OP is wrong ti want it not to rub off on her DD. We all have situations in life that make us anxious, and for the most part, we just have to get on with it. OP, you are absolutely right to stop the play dates and sleepovers - you are not wrong for wanting to put your DC’s interests first.

@sesquipedalian you’ve got one side of what I’m sure is a very complex story. Mental health isn’t as simple as ‘get help’. Help isn’t always available, or possible, or easily accessible. It sounds like the mother needs help and support, as does the child. The language used by the OP and some people on this thread is vile, right down to the use of the word ‘brainwashing’ in the title.

A quiet word with the safeguarding lead at school would be your best bet, they need to know what's going on at home.

I used to work with a woman with disordered eating who used to count calories on cucumbers. That's how badly affected she was and her dd followed her example and ended up anorexic. If someone had reported her earlier than her dd might not have become anorexic.

I don’t think you are being horrible and you should definitely protect your daughter. Of course it’s important to help and support people who have issues with their mental health. But it sounds like your friend does not have strong boundaries ( unsurprisingly) and is therefore unable to judge the difference between having appropriate discussions about feelings with a 6 year old and exposing them to complex emotions and reactions they won’t be able to understand.
Also - Anxiety is a normal response in some situations and shouldn’t be over medicalised .
I don’t pick up disdain in your post - I only pick up concern for your dd.

I think this kind of talk actually does create anxiety. We had the same when school pushed mindfulness and worry dolls. Suddenly my perfectly fine DD was 'worried'all the time. We asked school that she be excused from these sessions and stopped pushing the worry dolls and she was back to her normal self within a few weeks.

Or you could have the other girl round to you and try and help break the cycle?

Isolating a 6 year old if she is fundamentally a nice kid is harsh.

A couple of our teenager’s friends have less stable home life. They come here, get fed, are made to revise, join in family life around the table, there are sleeping bags and pullout beds if needed at short notice.

Showing our teens kindness and generosity for those sometimes at a bit of a loss is not a bad thing to do. They are growing into considerate, strong, helpful young men who don’t judge by jumping to conclusions.

I wouldn’t cut your daughter’s friend off. I would try counterbalancing when she is at yours and have a private word with the school of your concerns.

I would report to the school and social services poor child

Yes I would stop my dd staying without me and limit play dates. A close family member did this and their now adult child has failed to do anything beyond her school exams as she’s too anxious, too tired and doesn’t know how. All learnt from her parent. It’s really sad but you need to make sure your own daughter is safe from this stuff at a young age and not having it impressed on them

I know two people who have pretty much passed on their issues to their kids. The kids are now grown and both suffer from anxiety etc, one to the extent they are now agoraphobic. It’s really shocking.

What does counterbalancing look like though? If you say "that's not triggering darling it's just pasta" then you'll be accused of gaslighting her and not listening to her fears about spaghetti.

Triggering is not a slightly annoying buzzword. It’s a clinical term used in psychology. It’s entirely possible for a six year old to be receiving treatment for anxiety. Sometimes it’s a lot harder to access treatment as an adult. Anxiety isn’t something to be ashamed of. It should be discussed openly.
There’s a lot of ignorance on this thread.
What exactly do people think is going to happen if the kid uses these terms out of context or over uses them?
Is she malnourished from lack of vegetables?
So what if she doesn’t want to watch certain tv shows?
Keeping your kids apart seems like a good idea - from both perspectives.

I can see exactly how that poor little girl’s life is going to pan out. Poor kid.

The TV show thing is a small sign that ND children sometimes exhibit. It gives comfort and routine so may in ga e reduce her feelings.gs of anxiety or certainly comfort herake her feel safe

In this case we would

Eat together at a table
Have some “safe food” - so for example pasta - have grated Parmesan, pesto, Italian ham, salad in separate bowls

perhaps talk about Italy and their food the home of pasta - find Italy on the map, look at their flag and use the gentle nudge theory, or at least at first having her sit round a table with others happily eating food without it “triggering” anything to at least display that there is a counter option to how she might eat at home

I don’t mean force feeding or starving if you don’t eat or use any psycho babble words at the dinner table. It’s possible to accept food choices without using the word triggering. It’s also possible to encourage children to eat a wider variety of food with gentle nudging. I know there are some who will never eat anything but safe foods but they are not the majority. And I think it’s healthier to assume no initial health problems in a 6 yr old child and that they are a product of their environment.

Of course this mum might be mentally unwell because of undiagnosed neurodiversity of some sort, meaning her daughter then has a hugely increased chance of also being neurodivergent. I get this.

What I wouldn’t initially do is ban my 6 year from playing with her, staying over maybe, but pkayibg or having her over to our house no. I wouldn’t want my 6 year old to think if another person doesn’t tick all these suitable qualities boxes they are not worth the time of day I think that is a terrible example as well. They are six, not sixteen.

We have a teenager coming round tonight who doesn’t get much variety of home made food so he’s having a selection of home made curry dishes, another one who knows he has to do a bit of revision at the table first. And then they will all watch the football together. 4 completely different social economic class teenagers, one who is autistic, all lovely boys, enjoying each other’s company leisurely. Not some fucking tick boxing “which uni are you applying for” exercise. Ours can get back to A’level GCSE work tomorrow.

It’s not difficult to be nice.

Why do you want to punish that poor child? Be a good role model instead. If she says eating vegetables triggers her, how about engaging her to talk about it using what IS appropriate 6 years old language instead?

Yeah I wouldnt have the bandwidth for parenting someone else's child.
I would let go of the playdates and just see the mum.

This is a lot of work and personally it would be too much work for me.

I’d be reframing this and saying “in our house, it’s okay to feel anxious - we try to be brave and do the things that make us anxious”, and “oh what a good time to be able to use our courage skills!”, because the kid obviously needs support in building resilience and dealing with negative feelings that she’s not getting at home. It might also role model some ways for your child to deal with anxiousness when she inevitably feels that way too. It’s important to learn that feeling anxious is not the same as anxiety as the social messaging around that is mostly the opposite nowadays.

But you’re under no absolutely no obligation to parent someone else’s child, so if you would prefer to cool off the relationship I think that’s okay too. It’s just a shame as your friend’s child probably really needs healthier emotional role models.

Some parents might not like this quasi-parenting?

If OP doesn’t like it, then she doesn’t have to do it which I acknowledged.

If the other parent doesn’t like it, well she can choose whose care she leaves her DD in, and frankly if we’re putting the best interests of the child first then it is only good to see a range of ways to deal with emotions. Saying vegetables are triggering and everyone accepting this means she doesn’t eat vegetables is not a healthy mindset for a child.

Quite a few children have heard (pseudo) psychology language, it has entered general parlance to an extent (words like ‘trigger’ being used by ordinary people outside of a therapist’s office). So some children do just use it to get away with being rude/not doing work at school/as an excuse for poor behaviour etc.

This is nothing to do with the OP’s view against MH and everything to do with the view that the friend isn’t appropriately ahielding and protecting her child from the ill effects this has on them. 6 year olds shouldn’t be expressing using feelings like anxiety and triggering. It’s not appropriate. And before you harp up, I’ve got schizophrenia (diagnosed at 25) and am a cbt trained occupational therapist and mum of two - I work incredibly hard so that my children are not impacted by mental health even when it’s spectacularly awful

letting your own MH condition onto your young children is a safeguarding issue.

Your friend does sound a bit irritating but on the other hand mental health problems need to be taken seriously. Why is your friend not seeking out help?

I wouldn’t exclude a little girl because she is using words like ‘anxiety’ and ‘triggering’. It is not her fault that she is picking that up at home. In the unlikely event that your daughter starts using these words, just talk to her about it. If the little girl is with you, you can always say something like “even if you find x difficult, give it a try it or ask for help. You’ll be pleased with yourself.”

It's 2026 and we still have people putting quotation marks around mental health...

OP you've clearly never experienced poor mental health. Hopefully you never will. I can tell you it's utterly horrendous to go through.

The fact that you call this woman a friend and then speak of her like that is awful.

Poor mental health isn't contagious, your daughter isn't going to catch it.

Theres another child there that likely needs some help and a role model and the first thing you do is cut her off from her friend.

You should be ashamed of yourself.