AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

[Dougiesmaw]

FTM 4 weeks post C-section

MIL has came to visit from South of England for a week to stay in our marital home. She is 92 (had DH when she was older). As her only Son, he has adopted a caring role for her when he goes home to visit. She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50.

AIBU to feel this was too soon for her to come?, I feel terrible being angry about it and feeling they have both been selfish. I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats. I have barely slept obviously. She does nothing except make comments about me over feeding him, he is too cold, are you sure his breathing is OK. Hysterical at everything. (She has a lifelong history of being a drama queen). I am thankful I have some medical background as if I was an anxious FTM she would have had me completely wound up. She continually asks if he is medically OK, she somehow thinks at 4 weeks old he has no signs of autism.

She asked if he ‘actually has any clothes that fit him’ - I explained he is 4 weeks old so is quite small still. She seems utterly bamboozled when he stirs or cries. I asked if she remembered her own Son when he was a newborn to put his presentation into context; to which she says she does not recall - she just put his pram out in the porch and let him cry.

It explains why my husband only got married in his late 40’s, had a strange attachment pattern and never had a girlfriend before me in all honesty.

She was crying the other morning saying ‘she should not have come’, to which I obviously said it was OK - her tears dried up immediately following this - I felt her immediately transformation from sad vulnerable old woman to smiling broadly was quite manipulative. Her tears were the last thing I needed post partum. Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

Yesterday I was making cups of tea for her whilst she was sitting on the sofa. My husband and her both slept in until 10 whilst I was up with baby.

I am absolutely furious with them both for putting me in this situation, I feel this is not a fucking holiday home for entertainment - it is a recovery from childbirth and establishing a routine. My question is AIBU?

She has form for this; when we got married she stayed in our new marital home for a week after the wedding making it exceptionally awkward for me to come and visit and move in from my own home. She was apparently crying to my new husband about how she was going to lose him as a Son. I did have patience and empathy then but my post partum expierence has resulted in this wearing thin. I think they are both selfish morons.

Absolutely this! And then deal with your husband longer term after this

I’m also wondering how long you've been with this man, how long married and how on board he was with having a child of his own as he doesn’t sound very aware of your understandable expectations or his commitments

I misread the first post. I thought MIL was staying for 4 weeks and the baby had just been born. I now see that the baby is four weeks old and she’s staying for one week. This changes my opinion slightly. I still think your husband is being unreasonable because he’s lying in until 10am and it should be him who is making cups of tea for his Mum. However I don’t think he’s being as unreasonable as I first thought. It sounds like his Mum has always been a dominant person but at 92 I would cut her some slack. People’s character traits tend to magnify at that age and fear of abandonment steps in. Some people are comparing their experience of MILs who were 62 or 72. This is a different situation. I would suck it up for one week but tell him firmly about pulling his weight. Does your husband have siblings? You need a discussion about what the future will be like if his mother becomes more dependent. My Mum lived at home until she was 93 but the years between that and her death at 97 became very difficult. You need an idea what he has in mind should this happen.

Nope , tell your husband this is unacceptable and that she has to go home-now, and that he has to start helping- you are not running a baby group of mostly adults. Pack her bag if you have to, and pack DH's too if he kicks up- unacceptable.

I initially thought she had been staying for 4 weeks. If it's only a week then it's almost over, that isn't too bad. It is understandable that your DH would want her to meet the baby and at her age and distance it is reasonable that she stay. Once she's gone presumably you won't see her again for a while

What is not reasonable is that you are being left to make the tea/ get up with the baby post c-section whilst your DH has a lie in. I would read him the riot act. After you've done an early morning feed he should get up and take baby downstairs to give you some uninterrupted sleep before the next feed. He should be making all cups of tea, doing all the nappy changes, all the cooking/laundry/cleaning etc unless you want to do any of those things to give you a sense of normality. If you don't that's fine - recovering from surgery and breastfeeding is more than enough for you to be getting on with (his age is no excuse, my DH was 46 with our first and 49 with our second and did all those things)

Jesus wept!

Can you afford to book in to a comfortable Airbnb when she comes to stay, so that you get a break and your DH can spend time with his mother. She sounds like a Queen Bee, but let's be blunt, she'll be dead soon.

I would be more concerned that you are to become mummy's replacement.

This is exactly how I want to be when I'm 92 🙏

She’s 90 won’t be around forever, your DH wants to share this special time with her, as he knows this. As she’s not in her 60s but is in her 90s id say suck it up, u can see she’s manipulative, but, she doesn’t live round the corner and will be always popping in uninvited, it’s a week, and then you’re free of her! Take any comments with a pinch of salt, ignore, and carry on doing your own thing

I’m not sure how you expected any different. 50 years old. Never had a long term relationship. Enmeshed with his mother. Far far too old to train any of this out of him.
Presumably he had some redeeming features for you to consider marriage?
Honestly I think I’d just cut my losses and divorce him. You’ve got the ick now. It’s never going to improve

Tell them both that you can't deal with this, it is too much while you are still recovering post-birth. Assert yourself and make them listen. Tell them that your DH needs to take her home now. You are being too passive and they are walking all over you. Your needs, not theirs are what count at the moment, so prioritise yourself and baby. 💐

Hi op I would just say this she is 92 so not around forever don’t do anything whilst your hormones are everywhere and you can always change him for the better enjoy being a mum.

But it wasn't OK for her to stay. Have the conversation with them both - it doesn't matter if she creates a scene. Tell her she needs to go home now. Be assertive, its very liberating. State your needs and make it clear that you are prioritising your needs post-birth and your baby's, and that then both need to prioritise them too.

Just grin and bare it right now but make sure she does not visit again for so long

shes 92 so unlike to bother you for for many more years and maybe that whats bothering her and shes having regrets ? End of life crisis about what a shit parent she was?

You are not being unreasonable. This is on your husband to sort. And, in any case, setting aside the situation with your MIL, there's no way your husband should be sleeping in until 10am when you have a newborn. Mine (who is not a morning person) got up 4am or 5am to take the baby and give me some sleep.

I am not sure why you are making the tea etcet? Also why you would stay with this prince among men and his fabulous mother?

grin and bear it? Fuck that!

"She will create complete hysteria and the melodrama will be exponential"
...and the problem with that would be???

This is brilliant advice. dundermiffling, am so sorry that you had this, similar to OP's dilemma now. Hope things are better for you now.

'complete fucking moron. She must think I am buttoned up the back to fall for it. The massive narcissist smile when I said dont cry its OK to stay - she obviously knew she had over stepped and I was RAGING'

This is an awful way to talk about her. Yes your dh sounds useless, you chose him though he must have some redeeming qualities. Tell him to get his out of bed before 10am obviously.

I'd grin and bear it with mil tbh. Going to hotels all a bit dramalama. She's 92 and won't be around much longer.

Going forward work on your useless dh. Good luck!

Exactly.

Please tell me that your dh is the one cooking, cleaning, hosting etc. And not just while his mother is here but generally as you are a new mum. I would seriously consider the future as you and the baby are not his top priority and that mindset might never change even after mil dies.

I’m going to be a bit harsh here op, but you need to find your voice and stand up for yourself! Stop letting them both dictate what happens. She wants a cup of tea, then tell her to make it herself. TELL DH what you expect and how he needs to step up. Don’t be a wall flower, be strong and forceful!!

I'm suprised at the responses. She's 92! That changes everything. She isn't a MIL in traditional sense - she's the age of your baby's great grandparents who we would not expect to be particularly helpful or give realistic. Older adults experience cognitive change as par for the course and then of course there is the high risk that she's developing a neurocognitive disorder which would interefer with her thinking. Social cognition undergoes changes so what you view as manipulative is just as likely to be change that she doesn't register and can't help.

That's not to say that this is easy for you. It sounds awful and she's clearly not being helpful. I think you need to reframe this though as she's likely not capable of being helpful in a traditional MIL sense. If she's said that she doesn't remember her DH as a baby then that's possibly true. Everything about parenting is different and her perception of normal is going to be very different. Many older adults struggle with noise and baby's crying is a significant and common trigger.

Realistically, you and her son with be in a caring position when you are with her due to her age. There's no point in getting angry at her and she won't be able to do things differently. Extract yourself the best that you can and focus on your baby. Do expect more care to be needed from your DH very, very shortly though.

Send them out to a hotel?

So there is a lot to unpack here.

First borne are tough - you don’t always know what you are doing and it’s completely new. You are sleep deprived and overwhelmed.

MIL staying shouldn’t be a problem but it also shouldn’t be your problem. Let you OH do everything for her.

You can’t resent them not getting up in the night when you are BF but you need to be clear that your OH needs to step up.

The over contrived manipulation you are seeing can also be an old women who may not be 100% in her for mental state and is all over the place too. She may have been very upset and the may have been very happy when you told her to stay - that isn’t definite narcissistic behaviour - thats an old women feeling emotionally overwhelmed as well.

I don’t think it’s strange for a 92 year old to not remember babies many many decades ago - memory can be tricky for older people sometimes.

Believe me the worst time in a lot of marriages is when a baby is born. It’s just the time.

Four weeks after birth still struggling with recovery and BF may potentially suggest a little more here? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Have you spoken to you HV?