AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

[Dougiesmaw]

FTM 4 weeks post C-section

MIL has came to visit from South of England for a week to stay in our marital home. She is 92 (had DH when she was older). As her only Son, he has adopted a caring role for her when he goes home to visit. She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50.

AIBU to feel this was too soon for her to come?, I feel terrible being angry about it and feeling they have both been selfish. I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats. I have barely slept obviously. She does nothing except make comments about me over feeding him, he is too cold, are you sure his breathing is OK. Hysterical at everything. (She has a lifelong history of being a drama queen). I am thankful I have some medical background as if I was an anxious FTM she would have had me completely wound up. She continually asks if he is medically OK, she somehow thinks at 4 weeks old he has no signs of autism.

She asked if he ‘actually has any clothes that fit him’ - I explained he is 4 weeks old so is quite small still. She seems utterly bamboozled when he stirs or cries. I asked if she remembered her own Son when he was a newborn to put his presentation into context; to which she says she does not recall - she just put his pram out in the porch and let him cry.

It explains why my husband only got married in his late 40’s, had a strange attachment pattern and never had a girlfriend before me in all honesty.

She was crying the other morning saying ‘she should not have come’, to which I obviously said it was OK - her tears dried up immediately following this - I felt her immediately transformation from sad vulnerable old woman to smiling broadly was quite manipulative. Her tears were the last thing I needed post partum. Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

Yesterday I was making cups of tea for her whilst she was sitting on the sofa. My husband and her both slept in until 10 whilst I was up with baby.

I am absolutely furious with them both for putting me in this situation, I feel this is not a fucking holiday home for entertainment - it is a recovery from childbirth and establishing a routine. My question is AIBU?

She has form for this; when we got married she stayed in our new marital home for a week after the wedding making it exceptionally awkward for me to come and visit and move in from my own home. She was apparently crying to my new husband about how she was going to lose him as a Son. I did have patience and empathy then but my post partum expierence has resulted in this wearing thin. I think they are both selfish morons.

It’s not like, at age 90 plus, She has come to visit, help with meals, housework,

ironing, washing.
It’s like aged care. You can’t possibly be looking after baby, and aged mother in law.
Husband has to tell her it’s time to go home. She can visit again in a few months when you have recovered. This is your time to heal, and adjust, and just spend time with bubs.
congratulations.

Please no more making cups of tea.
DH - this is his job. Along with caring for you and doing nappies etc.
It’s time for a quiet chat with DH.
But no more making cups of tea, or cooking meals for them. A vague hmmm or ‘oh really’ for any silly comments is non committal. If you can take baby for a walk in the Pram every day.
Good luck. This too shall pass

It’s not a 92 year old woman’s fault that your husband stayed in bed till 10am when you were up all night caring for a newborn after a c section, that’s on him, and should be addressed separately to the issue of his very elderly mother

She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50

You have every right to set boundaries and its ridiculous that your DH isn't getting up till 10, but I think it's important to remember that many people in their 50s spend a lot of time dealing with elderly parents.

On the plus side, the situation is not going to go on forever, but on the negative side, it might get worse before it gets better.

OP, I’m just wondering what you’d have said if she hadn’t come to see the baby - that she’s waited four weeks is quite good going! Yes, it’s irritating that she’s staying a week, and she has shown how enmeshed she is with DH - but what else has she to do at her age? I’m very sorry you’re suffering and that BF isn’t going well - just take yourself and baby off to the bedroom to feed, and ask DH to bring you a cup of tea while you’re doing it! Your DH has to understand that there’s more to parenthood than beaming at his wife and child. And you need to talk to DH about what you are and are not prepared to put up with re his DM - remind him of why he moved away! I understand that you resent your MIL, and would very much rather she hadn’t come to stay, but at 92, she’s waited a very long time to become a Grandma - let her enjoy a bit of it: you can grit your teeth for a week! I would make very plain, though, to DH that in future he ensures he has consulted you over visits etc, and that the needs of your DC have to come before her wants.

But in 1976 FTM routinely had 2 weeks in hospital, then she was unwell so potentially even longer. Women weren't discharged until they were fully recovered. Husbands weren't really expected to help out.

Tbf she probably has completely forgotten life with a new born. Its such a short period of time, and everyone is exhausted. Hes 50 so its 50 years ago. And parenting advice has completely changed, mums are no longer advised to make up the days bottles and put them in the fridge, and leaving babies in prams outside shops or the bottom of the garden is a big no no.

At 92 she maybe doesn't have much strength in her arms either so not confident holding baby

However I'd send her packing.
Lovely to see you, but I need to get into a routine on my own!

Maybe thats was area dependant. My mum always says it was 5 or 6 days, with day one being the day baby was born for a morning birth, that day didn't count for an afternoon birth.

But either way mums had more time to recover after birth. And baby's were in a nursery at night. Giving mums a chance to sleep 😴

My next door neighbour is 99 so you could have a few years yet and they'll be sizing you up for elder care no doubt

Quick google suggests 40% were in for more than a week in 1975, these tended to be FTMs and tbh in 1976 42 would have been considered exceptionally old to have a first baby.

I got a bit more sense out of my DH once his mother had died. Although he did leave home at 17 and never went back. He was also somewhat aware of what a vile woman she was. It might be the same for you @Dougiesmaw .We met in later life and I was unable to have any more children. My DH would have been exactly like yours with a child. Men in their 50’s are not very adaptable to change. Fingers crossed matters improve for you.💐

YANBU and congratulations. Stop making her tea, lunch, anything. If her age means she needs care the it’s not for a new mum to be providing. Let her go without and complain to DH a few times, he’ll either get the message or they will annoy each other.

Not really, old for a first child but plenty of women were several kids deep having a baby I. Their 40s.

Regardless of how upset you are, there are never any acceptable circumstances where you should refer to people as 'complete fucking morons.'

Your DH needs a boot up the backside. Or a gentle word. Whatever it takes to actually pull his finger out. I know which way I would jump, but you know what works with your own husband.
If your MIL hasn't had any recent experience in handling new-borns, it's not surprising that she might be nervous about it. She's 92. Personally, I'd be glad to excuse her without offending her with my concern about her suitability to help with my baby. That said, since she's not able to help, her presence in the household is hindering your recovery without being of any benefit to you.
It's down to your DH to kindly suggest his mother leaves, for now.

Average age of motherhood reached an all time low in 1981. Most women having babies in the '70s were in their 20's, women had an average of about 2.3 children each, the wide availibilty of contraceptiin meant that women were completing their families sooner, so having your first child at 42 in 1976 was very unusial.

Congratulations on your baby! Harden your heart and look after yourself and your baby. Stop with the cups of tea and only make something for yourself if you’re the one doing all the cooking. If she cries or asks you a question ignore her and say sorry I just need to do x or y with the baby and take yourself off to another room.

Have a good chat with your husband and lay down the expectations you shouldn’t be doing too much 4 weeks after a c-section except taking it easy. I’ve had two c-sections and while my recovery went well it was only because my husband pulled his weight around the house.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths/bulletins/birthsbyparentscharacteristicsinenglandandwales/2014#:~:text=Between%20the%20mid%2D1940s%20and,average%20age%20of%20all%20mothers.

Why? No insult by definition is nice, but this is no worse than most in my view.

Would idiot be ok? Means the same thing.

Between the mid-1940s and mid-1970s, the average age of mother decreased by just less than 3 years (29.3 years in 1944 to 26.4 years in 1973 to 1975). From the above document.

I'm pretty sure everyone knows the historical nature of that insult. You and MNHQ (yes, I reported the Post as I found it so disgracefully offensive) might think it's acceptable but those of us who have relatives with special needs who are still called that find it deeply offensive.

OP might as well have used the R word. It has the same connotations. 'Moron' is just the more socially acceptable version.

Idiot is, as I am sure you actually know, quite different and doesn't have the same historical baggage.

Actually it does:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiot

I think OP wouldn't have given a shit. Not everyone is overly sentimental about their in laws.

It's nowhere near the same hence why I said, 'does not have the same historical baggage.' It is still insulting but the historical baggage is nowhere near as significant.

However, people with disabilities don't walk down the street and get called 'idiots' they get called 'R' and 'M.' That's the difference here. And it's a difference you and a PP are well-aware of, just refuse to acknowledge.

This 100%.