To ponder legal action for being slapped on the arse

[IneedAniffler]

Very long story short, I work in an unregulated industry as a self-employed contractor. I provide a professional service in what can be quite a high-pressure environment, and I take a lot of pride in what I do.

Today, just before I was due to deliver a service, another person working there (in a separate but related role) slapped me hard on the backside. He clearly thought it was “banter” or playful, but I was completely shocked.

I reacted immediately and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that he must never do anything like that again. He apologised straight away, and the contractor (who works with both of us) also apologised, as did others present.

The issue is that I then had to go straight on and deliver a half-hour professional service as if nothing had happened, and then go straight to another client meeting. I didn’t really have time to process it at all.

Now I’m home, it’s all hit me properly and I feel incredibly upset. I feel violated, embarrassed, angry, and quite shaken. I also feel a bit stupid even writing this, because technically everyone has apologised and it’s “dealt with”, but it doesn’t feel dealt with to me at all.

There’s no HR in this situation as I’m self-employed, and this isn’t a traditional workplace. I’m just trying to work out whether I’m overreacting, and what (if anything) I should do next.

WWYD?

Its quite unbelievable isnt it. I hope they never have to experience something that makes them feel the way I've been made to feel as I think they would not cope.

It really is isn’t it? And THEY- ALL
of these minimisers and apologists and bravado filled women who just
dealt with it and seem to think it’s some
sort of badge of honour, THEY are all
part of the problem.

I am lucky to work at a large progressive company. The entire company has been trained about sexual harassment, so short
even of sexual assault. The training is clear - there is an expectation that you are NOT a bystander, you MUST be an ally. Everyone has a responsibility to call behaviours out. I
so angry on your behalf at
the responses here. I think @mumsnet need to look at this thread. It is appalling.

@Carnationbloom Agree 100%!

I see some comments have indeed been deleted

FWIW I am okay and dont feel like I will be intimidated by his presence but will be asking the FD on Monday what they plan to do to ensure the safety of associates going forward. Someone I saw today gave me good advice- to put it to all parties calmly and publicly as a problem we need to address together ...

I'd like ro really thank everyone as well for the advice and even more so the solidarity- when I wrote the initial post I was in a bit of a maelström and actually just the support and understanding of many posters here is reassuring

As for the apologists... I group them with the aggressor- belonging to an age not from decades ago, but the dark ages IMO

Teaming up is definitely the best way to get rid of this behaviour. Contact the other women if possible.

Considering calling the other female celebrants im in the loop with to ask if this has happened to them

Do it. A group complaint helped us to get rid of a creep in an old job. Most women hadn't realised he was doing it to everyone else too. All agency workers that couldn't afford to lose their jobs.

Sorry but what!!! I'm am astounded. Now it's a male environment when the family isn't around and we are vile to each other and we poke fun when talking to celebrants...but none of us would ever never do that...in fact I know that my boss would sack me immediately as its a family firm and he wouldn't want his mother in law dealing with someone like that. We joke with the staff at the various crematorium and the celebrants. But christ no way would that happen!

Its guys like you that reassure me that I'm not being silly.

The male environment is true and when I'm in the office i will happily join in with the joking, which is usually not sexual, just joshing each other and having a laugh but its in view of everyone in the team and never crosses a line. and that's probably why I'm welcome with so many directors I can have a good laugh. But when it becomes physical or very personal or genuinely insulting that's sinister and physical abuse is unheard of.

Sexual assault is sexual assault no matter who bloody does it. Nice bit of whataboutary though.

Are you quite alright?

Had it been a woman I would not have only been equally disgusted but far more surprised. Assault is assault - from whoever.

It's not whataboutary though. There was a post a bit back where the op had witnessed a drunk colleague grabbing a man's bits and she was being called into a meeting to give a statement and in true mumsnet fashion multiple posters were telling her to say she saw nothing, it was just a laugh, wasn't sexual assault as a woman doing it to a man isn't as bad or threatening. I asked the genuine question at what age do we tell our sons their bodies are no longer private and they should put up and shut up. I got called a misogynist and told to get a grip!

Assault is assault whoever is doing it and the double standards on this forum are astounding! This man needs to be punished but so does any woman who cannot keep her grubby little hands to herself

Thank you for saying this, could not agree more!
I really don’t understand where we lost being allies with other women. Women’s rights are being dangerously eroded and sexual assaults are rife.

Yet, a lot of women are tripping over themselves to side with these “poor men who can’t help themselves” and downplaying violence against other women. Absolutely sickening.
The (social) media are doing a great job turning women against other women.
Divide and conquer, perhaps? or maybe “join the bullies, or be bullied”

The op has been sexually assaulted, we all know it will probably go nowhere, except hurt her career.

It’s so wrong on so many levels.

Why shouldn’t be allowed to grab him by the balls and twist them? Who would he report it to? Then everyone would need to explain why she retaliated, yet no one did anything at the first offence. She was clearly provoked - a common defence for domestic violence.

We need to be loud and unashamedly drag it out into the open.
A sexiest joke at your expense in a public place? Ask them to explain why it’s funny, in front of everyone, and watch everyone squirm.

We tell our children: “if a stranger grabs you, scream and shout and cause a scene, then run away and tell a trusted adult and they will phone the police.”

Why is it any different when it comes to our bodies?

Youve made several posts which are very much all about encouraging the OP to not report it. You've minimised the crime, you've played it off as a poor joke, you've basically told her people will think shes a liar. You would have to be a very thick to not see that.

You would have to be a cruel horrible stupid person to encourage a woman not to report a sexual assault. You would also have to be a cruel horrible stupid person to minimise a man's sex crime and pretend that the piece of shit man thought he was just making a joke.

Oh, and guess fucking what? Victims of crimes often change their mind about reporting. Doesn't stop a conviction. What would be unhelpful would be anything in writing that said it was no big deal or that it didn't happen. Saying she didn't want to take it further would not change the fact a crime had been committed.

Okay, so comment on those posts to point out the double standard. No need to derail this one with your bugbear.

Battery and SA? I was raped and physically assaulted as a teenager and the man is still free. Bum smacking is not worth reporting to the police, but OP should report this to the man’s employer or any organisation he is a part of.

I didn't see this 'thread'. If I had I would have said the same thing I'm saying here. This is sexual assault. I'm sure everyone in this thread calling this sexual assault would say the same. The fact that the vast majority of sexual assault is perpetrated by men on women and that is so ingrained in society we are expected to put up with it until it reaches unspecified 'serious' levels - as evidenced here - is actually beside the point.

They were different times, but I will tell you how I dealt with the same situation in an office in the 1980's- I was completely satisfied with the solution I used. obviously suing them wasn't an option. So this young manager from a different section got into the lift with me and was too close , he was trying to test the theory I wore stockings by feeling for the suspender, unperturbed
I realigned my body so he was unsuccessful, as I exited the lift he slapped me on the arse.
I had a think about it and at the end of the day I made sure I was in the same lift, as the guy who slapped me
i angled to be next to him,I was wearing 2.5" heels i trod on his foot, he looked at me and said you are on my foot I leaned harder keeping eye contact, he was wincing by his point please get off, I held for a slit second then the lift arrived and I got out.
I was completely satisfied with my solution- and have given it not thought for years- not true if I had gone to HR I reckon.

You must have missed the bit @Happyyellowsunflowerwhere the OP said the funeral director's wife also suffered an assault by this man. 😮
She objected and he didn’t touch her again but it didn’t stop him doing it again to another woman, the OP.
The funeral director should ditch him and tell him why.

I am curious if you would feel the same if he'd slapped her face.

Is slapping a co-worker ok or not?

Is assault worthy of reporting unless it's sexual, and then haha, oopsie, just accept the apology and move on?

Report.

Report ≠ prosecution.

Reporting creates a paper trail. If he does it again, it's right there on record that he's done it before.

He's probably skating through life, casually sexually assualting women left and right, and banking on nobody wanting to take it further. Wanker.

Write down the account in as much detail as you can while it's fresh in your mind.

There's no point going to the police about it.
What are they going to do? Really what are they going to do? I don't mean to sound harsh but be real for a second.

From his perspective it might have been an attempt at humour.
You do know that being to imagine how someone else may view a situation is not condoning it, right? Right?

I never said that OP is lying at all, only that if she puts it in writing that she wishes to take no further action to a third party then goes to the police in the (highly unlikely) event of this going to court his defence barrister will pounce on it to discredit her. Like, why did she change her mind? Because that is obviously what would happen.
A defence barrister is trained to defend his/her client, no matter how unpalatable that may be.

I have never said that OP should just forget it. Even if it is an attempt at humour, it should be patently obvious that it's unacceptable when somebody is just trying to do their job.
There should be consequences for sure.

Anyway, I suspect that you may have issues about this subject that have nothing to do with me. So I'll leave it now.

I will ask, though, do you think this should go to trial? If so what do you think should happen here? A prison sentence or what?

No way are you overreacting, its assault. No one has the right to hit you, wherever its done on the body. I certainly would take it further, may not be the first time he has done this, make sure its his last....How dare he...

Ignore this poster.

I would still make a complaint to the police, as like you said assault is assault. If he is this "handsy" with others down the pub etc you can bet they will know about him. Every sympathy to you op