To ponder legal action for being slapped on the arse

[IneedAniffler]

Very long story short, I work in an unregulated industry as a self-employed contractor. I provide a professional service in what can be quite a high-pressure environment, and I take a lot of pride in what I do.

Today, just before I was due to deliver a service, another person working there (in a separate but related role) slapped me hard on the backside. He clearly thought it was “banter” or playful, but I was completely shocked.

I reacted immediately and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that he must never do anything like that again. He apologised straight away, and the contractor (who works with both of us) also apologised, as did others present.

The issue is that I then had to go straight on and deliver a half-hour professional service as if nothing had happened, and then go straight to another client meeting. I didn’t really have time to process it at all.

Now I’m home, it’s all hit me properly and I feel incredibly upset. I feel violated, embarrassed, angry, and quite shaken. I also feel a bit stupid even writing this, because technically everyone has apologised and it’s “dealt with”, but it doesn’t feel dealt with to me at all.

There’s no HR in this situation as I’m self-employed, and this isn’t a traditional workplace. I’m just trying to work out whether I’m overreacting, and what (if anything) I should do next.

WWYD?

How can you write that you're not taking further action and go to the police, though?
If you do get the police involved, then you have put it in writing you're not taking further action so it could be seen as you flip-flopping. In the - imo highly, highly unlikely- event this goes to trial and that won't look good at all.

I don't get this 'quiet word' stuff, either.
If you get the police involved, they're obliged to look into it.

You must think really hard if you're going to get the police involved.

I know. I just haven't been able to decide - I'm thinking out loud on here and am grateful to repliers

I will talk to people that can help me directly on Monday morning.

I did not "forget" to answer the question. Why should I engage further if someone has to quote me on one word but choose to ignore how I made it clear this is not acceptable and something needs to be done, but hey who cares about the truth if it doesn't fit the narrative.

Can you imagine the reaction from a 20-30yo woman experiencing this? They’d go ballistic.

Honestly I think you have to be 45+ to have any notion of this sort of behaviour ever having been considered ‘humorous’, or casual sexual assault being in any way normal. Older to remember it happening in the workplace.

I’m in that older age group and really, I see this as the sort of shit that used to happen in the 1960s-70s but died out in the 80s, so long before I entered the workplace. The perpetrators now retired.

I would always have gone ballistic. I do understand the shock and paralysis and business concerns and I haven’t been self-employed but it wouldn’t have occurred to me not to complain loudly (possibly to my detriment). I feel like I’m reading a thread from forty years ago.

I’m not trying to undermine the reality of your shitty experience. I am saying that the people involved are absolutely deluded if they imagine they can carry on sweeping this sort of shit under the carpet. Younger women won’t let them - and THEY are woefully, knowingly failing to protect all women.

Im 35 if that helps. But have been abused before quite badly.

I also went as ballistic as I could at him in that moment whilst having the bereaved family at the forefront of my focus, who were just around the corner with their dead wife/mum/nan

I know. I'd feel the same as you. You've given away a lot of details about yourself here. Particularly the company you work for, though. I think maybe you should consider this.
I'll just say I really do think this guy should be reprimanded in some way and leave it at that.

Sadly you are mistaken. If you read the full thread you will see multiple posters have spoken about not wanting to ruin this man's job, his marriage, his reputation or his life.

I know- i will probably have this removed soon - although I'm not really fussed if anyone knows me on here because haven't done anything wrong. Im used to being identified.

I dont work for them, they engage me for the client - they only make up a small amount of my contracts thankfully so if I chose to be unavailable to them going forward it wouldn't make a difference

JFC, still pushing your pathetic nonsense on this thread? Why are you so keen to discourage a woman from reporting a sex crime?

Yes but I mean they’d have no doubt or hesitation about taking it further afterwards. Loudly.

One day he going to mess with the wrong woman and the company that hired him is going to be in big trouble reputationally - because they knew.

This is why a written record, even just an emailed summary of your chat, is so important. They cannot say they didn’t know, or that no-one has complained.

Because I doubt anything will come of it if she does.

Yes, I was being facetious. We know you did not forget to answer the question; it’s completely transparent that you were unable to give a satisfactory answer to the question.

Did you miss the bit where he did it before to someone else and “sincerely” apologised for it?

I take it that is aimed at me?

Do you ever have a gut feeling about something?

If he seemed genuinely remorseful, embarrassed, mortified? If in my gut I thought he was genuinely sorry, just an absolute knob and not some kind of sexual predator. I would still want him dealt with but I would be unlikely to go down the legal route.

If that answer is not satisfactory then that's on you not me. I look forward to seeing a post where you are telling an OP to "trust her gut"

Anyone else wish men would man up and call out sexist behaviour.

But he seemed remorseful the last time he did it, to the FD’s wife.

Yes and I have seen that update and already commented but that was separate to me being told I cannot explain myself.

So clearly he has form, I'm not saying he is a danger to women (also not saying he isn't), but he is clearly a menace and needs to be stopped.

Earlier it was because you thought it could have been a poor joke.

Just because you doubt something will come of it is not a reason to write a long post encouraging an OP to not report a sex crime. You basically told the OP everyone will think she's lying about the whole thing if she says she won't report but then changes her mind. Men have been prosecuted for such crimes before, there is no reason to be so sure that won't happen in this case.

I didn't encourage her not to report it at all, only if she does do so she can't be putting it in writing she isn't going to take it further to a third party then report it to the police.

You'd have to be very, very, very stupid to think that in the (admittedly highly unlikely) scenario that this actually got to trial that the fact that the OP said in writing to a third party that she wasn't taking it further, wouldn't be used by his defence barrister.

You'd have to very thick not to see that.

Ive never sexually assaulted a colleague or anyone else for that matter :)

Maybe if more men like this were reported to police they would understand it’s not ok. I cannot fathom why he thought it was ok? Is it a place of work where inappropriate behaviour is the norm? Is it a strip club? So odd.

Ignore my comment about the place of work. I honestly am blown away a grown adult thought this was appropriate?!?!

Jesus bloody wept OP - this thread is quite something. Where the fuck
are these people (women?) coming out of the woodwork from? Misjudged something? What, like those people who arrive at A&E with a cucumber up their bum and claim they slipped? I’d love to know where their line is on ‘misjudged’ vs ‘criminal act’. Same thing to a minor? Exposure? Rape? Where is this line?? Bloody fools. Do not be gas lighted by these people.