To ponder legal action for being slapped on the arse

[IneedAniffler]

Very long story short, I work in an unregulated industry as a self-employed contractor. I provide a professional service in what can be quite a high-pressure environment, and I take a lot of pride in what I do.

Today, just before I was due to deliver a service, another person working there (in a separate but related role) slapped me hard on the backside. He clearly thought it was “banter” or playful, but I was completely shocked.

I reacted immediately and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that he must never do anything like that again. He apologised straight away, and the contractor (who works with both of us) also apologised, as did others present.

The issue is that I then had to go straight on and deliver a half-hour professional service as if nothing had happened, and then go straight to another client meeting. I didn’t really have time to process it at all.

Now I’m home, it’s all hit me properly and I feel incredibly upset. I feel violated, embarrassed, angry, and quite shaken. I also feel a bit stupid even writing this, because technically everyone has apologised and it’s “dealt with”, but it doesn’t feel dealt with to me at all.

There’s no HR in this situation as I’m self-employed, and this isn’t a traditional workplace. I’m just trying to work out whether I’m overreacting, and what (if anything) I should do next.

WWYD?

I was up all night recently reporting a violent incident outside my house and giving a lengthy statement to police.

He was beating a woman up.

She retaliated - but in the end they didn't prosecute him because 'no physical damage was done'.

Hence my scepticism about the police and how it could leave you worse off - him feeling vindicated and the FD feeling 'nothing for me to deal with'.

The FD KNOWS it is not OK because his own wife was upset and furious when it happened to her.

You did the right thing though. There may be reasons the police couldn’t pursue this occasion short of can’t be arsed but you have made the incident visible.

one thing not mentioned is that there may already be a history with the police about this guy. Unless he has a particular fetish for doing this at funerals, I would bet he has form in other locations and situations. As a student I was sexually harassed (not assaulted) by a college staff member. After putting up with it for a long time, I finally reported to the appropriate college authorities who asked if I would pursue. When I said yes, they broke into enormous smiles and I found out this guy had a track record of harassing young females and the college were relieved someone was prepared to make a statement so they had grounds to dismiss him, which they did though he appealed. Note this was not an assault, this needs the police, it was harassment; leering, inappropriate comments, standing close, witholding services that were part of his job…

After reading all your posts I think uki
sjou Report him to the police as he’s assajlted you and he WILL do it again if not stopped! People will have more respect for you reporting him than ignoring it and frankly I think if we just keep lettingem
get away with this behaviour this
is why they carry on! Also
report the sexual harassment each and every time by other people! They get away with doing it again and again because we don’t!

Apology is cheap and meaningless - he intentionally did a horrible thing then said the word sorry - so you have to forgive him, accept his deliberate assault and forfeit all right to complain? No.

He’s not sorry. It wasn’t an accident. He’s done it before and will do it again.

I would write my account of the event while it’s fresh.
Report to police - they may not do anything, or they may speak to him.
Speak to the funeral director, let them know you’ve reported the assault to the police. Follow up with a brief summary email, so they have that in writing.
Speak to the crematorium manager, let them know the same, follow up email.

That way everyone is clear this man has assaulted someone at their premises / in their employment and has been reported to the police. They cannot pretend it didn’t happen, they didn’t know, or pretend they believe a deliberate assault can be magicked away with the word sorry.

It does make for bleak reading Op, sorry that this has happened. He deserves to have the book thrown at him, I can empathise completely with your delayed shock reaction to what happened.

Hopefully the FD will stick to his word and not hire this dinosaur again, and I would follow up with them on that, also letting him know why he has no longer been hired.

The most important person here is YOU and ultimately what is best for you in the long run. It has to be seen that you do not tolerate this behavior, however you need to ensure that your reputation is not damaged irreparably in a sexist industry if you intend to stay in it. For that reason I would not contact the police. It's a very difficult decision.

Won’t the crematorium be owned by a local authority? They do have legal departments and care about upholding standards, regulations, reputation.

When you speak to the crematorium manager it might be worth asking what their policy is on this sort of thing - allowing people subject to complaints of discriminatory and criminal activity to work in their premises.

They might choose to take action on their own behalf. e.g under the Equality Act they have a duty to further (not just uphold) equal opportunity for people with all characteristics specified in the act, including sex. They may not want to put themselves in a position where women feel discriminated against / unable to work safely at their premises.

Irs owned by Dignity LTD a private company

Op unfortunately you are the only who can decide what to do about this man. Op a legal route won’t be any better for your reputation than the police will it. Do you not think your reputation will keep you in business? It’s a sad situation that you have to let this man get away with this for you to carry on. Or maybe when you pick up jobs you ask if this bearer will be there so you can avoid him tell them why if necessary because it’s their reputation at stake as well I can’t get my head around a bearer joking at a funeral in any capacity tbh.

I find it incredible that the FD and his wife continue to use this man. They know what he's like and continuing to use him as a bearer is condoning his shitty behaviour towards women.

It does make for bleak reading. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I can understand the fear of being blanked or boycotted and losing business because of this horrible incident that was absolutely nothing to do with the way that you conduct yourself.

I've been reading the thread with interest because I think it's very difficult to report an unpleasant sexist assault such as this one without severe consequences for the person reporting it. I think that first of all you can't actually believe that they have done such a thing. There's a mismatch between your experience and what was witnessed and what your mind is telling you should happen and is supposed to happen. Perhaps the other people who witnessed it also have this kind of cognitive dissonance where they can't really believe what's happened and also they want to forget all about it.

The breathtaking abuse of power is so shocking. Then there's the worry about it happening to somebody else which is pretty realistic. There is trying to think of ways that you could have prevented it happening (which are non-existent). Then there are the consequences. For the man, there don't seem to be any consequences other than a slight embarrassment at being shouted at.

I like the idea of him being reported to the police and them giving him a talking to, and I am reassured by the fact (thanks @Weeklyreport) that similar assaults have been punished in the courts. But your action will have consequences for you and it's trying to balance whether the consequences for you are going to inflict further damage to you, or whether they are going to make you feel vindicated.

Which way are you leaning at the moment?

And this is why the cycle of abusing women continues

At the least get all who witnessed it to
write statements to say what they saw! Then the abusive shit KNOWS he’s in trouble if he attempts to
do anything again!

The cognitive dissonance goes deep.

I witnessed a man, my partner at the time, humiliating a young boy in full view of his family and me by pulling the young boy's shorts down in a public place, then standing and laughing until tears ran down his face. The rest of us just stood there looking and failing to believe what we had just seen. It seemed to go on forever.

He is the one ruining his career purely through his behaviour.

The OP is perfectly right to report him as a sex pest.

No idea why so many on this thread still think women should put themselves and their feelings second when some idiot man can't keep his hands to himself. ...

Don't want to lose your job? Then don't harass women. It is that simple.

I'm not sure this would work. As I've said previously, this used to pass as humour. Still does in some places.
In my experience, if something can be minimised it will be if it means not getting involved.

The idea that the police are going to do anything about this is really naive.

The examples given here where men have been convicted for bottom slapping are meaningless in the absence of further context.
One City lawyer did get convicted for this but there was far more to it than a bottom slap.
Am I saying here he should get away with it? Hell no. At the very least he's upset OP and interrupted her work.
He is at the least a twat.

This. All this talk of her ‘ruining his career’, ffs. HE is the one ruining his career.

I've also said a few times he's retired and just does the odd job - so its not a threat I can really weald

The threat you can, and should weald IMO, is by reputation.

You are well within your rights to demand a meeting with him and the business owner of the grounds on which the incident occurred and make it cleat that, as in 2026 it is reasonable to assume that NOBODY is ignorant enough to not know that smacking the behind of another worker is in any way acceptable, that you will go ahead and assume that the action was an assault.

I would state that on this occasion you will not be taking the matter to the Police, although you are well entitled to, but that any further actions will result in you doing so.

He is a DINOSAUR! Do not be fooled into thinking you just have to put up with his shit OR forget about it now time has passed!

Look, speak to the police. At the very least he needs an embarrassing ‘talking to’ - sadly by other men as they’re the only ones he will have a modicum of respect for. Otherwise who will it be next time? Your daughter? Your friend?

I don't think anyone here is concerned about his career. There is only concern for the OP and her reputation in a very male dominated sexist industry.

It's very easy for people to be warriors behind a keyboard. Op you should go as far as you feel comfortable doing.

Dignity Ltd lol. No dignity was shown to anyone that day.

Thank you for this lovely thoughtful post.

I'm leaning into calling up a respected and helpful celebrant, who trained me and has helped me before with a homophobic relative of a gay woman that had died and his attempts to humiliate her with his eulogy. She is incredible and often encourages us to "phone home" if we get in a situation

I think i will write down what happened, who was there, and why its an assault, and how I am treating it - then perhaps ask the crem manager to record it officially and inform the FDs that use him that this is what's happened, its being treated as an offensive action from him, he has apologised but I wish for it to be recognised- and add that I have decided not to take it further but would appreciate everyone's support in ensuring we have a safe environment to do our work, which is already sensitive, requiring safety and respect to everyone

Id like to report him to the police and might do, quietly and privately. Will see what my friend and mentor says as I bet she has dealt with this countless times

I am so sorry this happened to you— it’s horrible.

He has repeatedly committed a criminal offence and he doesn’t seem to think the law applies to him. His actions do seem to have been tolerated every single time — I have little to no doubt that he knows it’s wrong but experience has taught him he’ll get away with it.

It is assault and it’s a criminal offence for a good reason — it violates and traumatises — your feelings testify to that.

Age is not an excuse for breaking the law. Many serial rapists and killers would be walking the streets if their age allowed them to evade prosecution.

Only you can decide what you want to do in terms of legal action. But this guy gets away with it and will continue to do because too many people don’t treat his actions with the seriousness that they deserve.

Ha... yes, quite!

Why are you so worried about this poor man and his big job?