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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

428 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
Holdonforsummer · 21/04/2026 22:42

This is going to go so well, I can tell.

Bigcat25 · 21/04/2026 22:43

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 08:04

Yes I have low self esteem, I should have never kept the baby but there is no going back now and I’m happy he is here.

I told him to leave me alone last night, because he was asking me 101 questions, as if I don’t know how to look after a baby.

He told me to carry on being rude to him if I want to end up as a single parent, I’m already a single parent.

Please don't say this, you said your son is the best thing that ever happened to you and that is good and ok.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 06:20

BlueMum16 · 21/04/2026 21:59

Please remove his access and do not give him a key.

Does he track your phone?

You need to distance yourself and make a stand. You are not in a relationship. He does not get to have a day in your life.

No he doesn’t track my phone, why would he?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 22/04/2026 06:50

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 06:20

No he doesn’t track my phone, why would he?

He is controlling. That's why.
You cannot see what everyone else on this thread can see.

I don't know how Ring doorbells work, but you need to block his access to it. Tell him it has stopped working if you must.

SunnyRedSnail · 22/04/2026 07:00

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately move him immediately from the ring doorbell.

Then make plans to move away and dont tell him. Just move.

He is manipulating you because he knows you are weak and a push over. Its a game to him.

Move away from this awful person.

BlueMum16 · 22/04/2026 07:28

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 06:20

No he doesn’t track my phone, why would he?

Lots of excuses are used....
In case you lose it
In case there's an issue with ex he can find you
To keep you safe
It's what people do when they love each other

Actually I guess he won't track your phone because on the flip side you would then see his. He wouldn't want that.

Please stop his access to your front door. He has no right to know who is visiting you or for how long. Next hello be timing when you go out and for how long

This man is in your life for the next 18 years. You need to establish clear boundaries now

BudgetBuster · 22/04/2026 07:35

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 06:20

No he doesn’t track my phone, why would he?

Why would he not?
He's tracking who comes in and out of your house and when you leave etc.

There's a name for people like that... stalkers.
Remove his access and do not speak to him about ANYTHING other than the baby.

nomas · 22/04/2026 08:10

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 19:08

I’m really not bothered

He can stop you taking your child abroad on holiday as his name is on the birth certificate.

It would have better for dc to have your last name.

He wants to track your Ring doorbell so of course he would want 5o track your phone if he could.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 13:57

This afternoon, I'm off to stay at my mums I just can't deal with him any longer.

He came over this morning right after taking his kids to school. I told him I don't want him on the Ring doorbell anymore because it feels like I'm being spied on. That's when he got rude and said, would the f**k would want spy on you? I just want to make sure you and my son are safe FINE

Then I caught him looking around my bedroom, he said it’s clean but I need to start dusting every single day because it could be harmful for the baby

He said he's not happy with the baby using a dummy and wants me to stop because he doesn't want his son to end up with f*ed up teeth. I said the baby's toothless for now and that I'll keep using it to settle him down. He said, Yeah, but not when I'm here,' and then pulled it out of my baby's mouth.

I can't handle him anymore. He said he'd take us food shopping, I said it was fine, but in the end, I just let him have his way. On the way there, I told him how I was feeling and asked him to stop upsetting me and telling me what to do. I also said that if that's how he treats his wife, then I really feel sorry for her.

He said I don't need to feel bad for her since she has all of him and that I don’t know how many other women would love to have him and that I'm lucky I let him keep the baby. Then he added that he's not happy with how I keep talking to him and that I need to learn some respect.

I told him I respect him, but I'm not gonna let him disrespect me. Then things got personal he said that I'd never act like that with my ex because I knew I'd get slapped, but with him, I'm okay with it. And when am I going to admit that I like men that hit and cheat on me, because he is not that guy.

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 22/04/2026 14:08

Cut contact. Let him go to court for access.

wendyla · 22/04/2026 14:43

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 13:57

This afternoon, I'm off to stay at my mums I just can't deal with him any longer.

He came over this morning right after taking his kids to school. I told him I don't want him on the Ring doorbell anymore because it feels like I'm being spied on. That's when he got rude and said, would the f**k would want spy on you? I just want to make sure you and my son are safe FINE

Then I caught him looking around my bedroom, he said it’s clean but I need to start dusting every single day because it could be harmful for the baby

He said he's not happy with the baby using a dummy and wants me to stop because he doesn't want his son to end up with f*ed up teeth. I said the baby's toothless for now and that I'll keep using it to settle him down. He said, Yeah, but not when I'm here,' and then pulled it out of my baby's mouth.

I can't handle him anymore. He said he'd take us food shopping, I said it was fine, but in the end, I just let him have his way. On the way there, I told him how I was feeling and asked him to stop upsetting me and telling me what to do. I also said that if that's how he treats his wife, then I really feel sorry for her.

He said I don't need to feel bad for her since she has all of him and that I don’t know how many other women would love to have him and that I'm lucky I let him keep the baby. Then he added that he's not happy with how I keep talking to him and that I need to learn some respect.

I told him I respect him, but I'm not gonna let him disrespect me. Then things got personal he said that I'd never act like that with my ex because I knew I'd get slapped, but with him, I'm okay with it. And when am I going to admit that I like men that hit and cheat on me, because he is not that guy.

You’re doing the right thing going to your Mum’s OP. Please tell her everything that’s going on with him.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 14:59

ItTook9Years · 22/04/2026 14:08

Cut contact. Let him go to court for access.

Why would I do that? I would never ever stop him from seeing the baby.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 15:01

wendyla · 22/04/2026 14:43

You’re doing the right thing going to your Mum’s OP. Please tell her everything that’s going on with him.

Thank you 🤗

I've already talked to her on the phone, and she couldn't believe it since he seems like such a nice guy.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 22/04/2026 15:16

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 14:59

Why would I do that? I would never ever stop him from seeing the baby.

Because today he has yet again showed you how harmful he is....

He's not a nice guy. He's a controlling prick. Is that the role model you want for your kid?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 15:45

BudgetBuster · 22/04/2026 15:16

Because today he has yet again showed you how harmful he is....

He's not a nice guy. He's a controlling prick. Is that the role model you want for your kid?

I would never stop him seeing his child, unless he was a danger towards him which he isn’t.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 22/04/2026 16:03

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 15:45

I would never stop him seeing his child, unless he was a danger towards him which he isn’t.

Yet...

childrenaremyworld · 22/04/2026 16:44

You’re doing the right thing, keep being strong and standing up for yourself. Don’t let him back into your life unless it’s to see the baby in a public place. He is trying to worm his way back in, please don’t let him. Move closer to your family and friends for support x

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 19:00

childrenaremyworld · 22/04/2026 16:44

You’re doing the right thing, keep being strong and standing up for yourself. Don’t let him back into your life unless it’s to see the baby in a public place. He is trying to worm his way back in, please don’t let him. Move closer to your family and friends for support x

He is not a danger to the baby, so why should I only let him see him in a public place?

I’m not sure if you’re trying to help or if you’re just bored and bitter, so much that you don’t want a dad to see his kid.

I texted him to let him know I'd be staying with my mum for a few days, but that caused another issue because he wanted to know where the baby would be sleeping and who else would be at the house since he doesn't want too many people around the baby.

I'm starting to think there's something off with him, because this isn't normal behaviour

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 22/04/2026 19:04

I texted him to let him know I'd be staying with my mum for a few days, but that caused another issue because he wanted to know where the baby would be sleeping and who else would be at the house since he doesn't want too many people around the baby.

I'm glad you are beginning to see how controlling his behaviour is. It definitely isn't normal behaviour.

I'm sorry but he has seen how vulnerable you are and is using it to control you, and the sooner you realise it the better. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

denisdenisdenis · 22/04/2026 19:19

Men like him are why coercive control was criminalised.

childrenaremyworld · 22/04/2026 19:23

I am neither bored or bitter, I’m trying to help. My concern is not whether he is a danger to your son but yourself. I have been in a controlling, violent long marriage and seen the effect on my children. I just didn’t want you to go through that

BuckChuckets · 22/04/2026 19:40

childrenaremyworld · 22/04/2026 19:23

I am neither bored or bitter, I’m trying to help. My concern is not whether he is a danger to your son but yourself. I have been in a controlling, violent long marriage and seen the effect on my children. I just didn’t want you to go through that

I'm hoping this poster is a troll. Notice how they post something really provocative about how vile their baby's dad is, and as soon as anyone says anything supportive they say omg how dare you be mean about my married, cheating, abusive, controlling ex.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 19:41

BuckChuckets · 22/04/2026 19:40

I'm hoping this poster is a troll. Notice how they post something really provocative about how vile their baby's dad is, and as soon as anyone says anything supportive they say omg how dare you be mean about my married, cheating, abusive, controlling ex.

He is NOT my ex we were never together.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 19:42

Also, I am very sorry that you had to go through that, I know exactly how it feels 🤗

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 22/04/2026 19:43

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 22/04/2026 19:41

He is NOT my ex we were never together.

Is that because he's imaginary? 😂

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