AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

[lifesbeenfeelingheavylately]

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

He is a danger to you...

You can tell something is off, but you are repeatedly banging on about how great he is 🙄 That doesn't make sense does it?

He is trying to control yours and the baby's every move. This is how coercive control starts. It doesn't end there.

He is a danger to his baby’s mother, which is a danger to your baby.

None so blind as those that won’t see. You have horrendous judgement which just continues day to day. Your self esteem must be on the floor to be such a doormat, accepting scraps of attention that have the sole purpose of breaking you down.

This man doesn’t care about you. He wants to control you. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He is incredibly dangerous. And your baby is utterly reliant on you to protect him.

I suspect you won’t realise until it’s far too late. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Yes something is very off with him

So it's a good idea not to let him see the baby.

Hopefully a few days away with your Mum will help you realise he is not acting normal and that you should protect yourself and your baby.

Nobody here is bitter btw. It's not an envious life. People are trying to help.

For now, I will allow him to see the baby whenever he wants to.

There’s no reason right now on why he shouldn’t.

He has managed to mask his weirdness very well.

You have had an affair baby with a seemingly awful married man who already has a wife and kids. Whilst you simultaneously are awaiting a previous partner in prison? Have you considered adoption for the sake of the child? Otherwise I think you need to accept single parenting.

Your mother thinks he's a nice guy? Does she know he's married with 3 kids and a controlling manipulative arsehole? If so, I can see where you get your complete lack of boundaries from.

You are the most important person in the world to your baby, this man should not have unlimited access to him as and when he pleases. Your dc needs consistency and stability. Not some random dude rocking up as and when he feels like it. And no, he doesn't have never ending rights "because he's his father" He is just the man who got you pregnant, it takes an awful lot more to be an actual father to a child.

I am also gobsmacked you gave him access to your ring doorbell. (as well as letting him choose his name and getting him circumcised) It sounds like you would do literally anything for this man. You really need to find your strength, tell him to formalise contact arrangements, and start putting yourself and your dc first, not pandering to this man who's only achievement was getting you pregnant.

Well, apart from him being a danger to you.

I guess being nasty to someone who is going through a lot at the moment, makes you feel better within yourself.

Why would you even suggest that I put my child up for adoption, are you that sick?

I am more than capable of looking after a child.

My mum knows that he already has a family, and was annoyed at the whole situation when I told her, but baby has brought her so much joy, she doesn’t actually care anymore.

I was willing to do anything to keep the peace with him, because I am not a bad person and I want him to be in my sons life, and to know he has a dad who loves him.

I was willing to do anything to keep the peace with him, because I am not a bad person and I want him to be in my sons life, and to know he has a dad who loves him.

Even though he's clearly a danger to you.

Putting unreasonable demands and pressure on you hourly is a perfectly good reason - he can pursue appropriate access to the child through the court if he wants to. I suspect he won’t bother.

Your own words on this tread suggest not. Seriously, if a good friend of yours was the author of this post would you not be warning her to steer clear of this utter arsehole of a man?

Youll be the subject of a future documentary if you aren’t careful.

It also makes me think, does he even feel guilty/bad for what he has done to his family at home.

How does he even sleep at night, next to his wife knowing what he has done.

Since the baby has been born, he is here regularly, it makes me wonder what exactly does he tell his wife?

I regret getting myself into this mess.

Being in your son's life is fine, assuming he is willing to accept your choices (dummy, visiting mum) and not trying to control you (ring door bell, friends staying to long ).

There will come a time you may want to put boundaries in place, so he calls during the day only, not evenings as DC is in bed or not weekends because you have plans. Him visiting your child should not impact on the way you choose to live or the choices you make.

The sooner you put yourself and your child ahead of this man the better.

Words I used to determine that my DH would be a good father and someone I could cope with parenting with for the entirety of DD’s life and qualities I wanted passed on to DD:

honest
capable
reliable
clever
encouraging
supportive
kind
dedicated

Your son’s equivalent is

dishonest
manipulative
controlling
unreliable
disrespectful
threatening
dangerous
toxic

He will look to this scummy man as an example of how to treat women. I guess it’s good that he isn’t in prison, but honestly, he’s the lowest of the low and he hasn’t even got out of first gear yet.

He’s a sociopath. He doesn’t feel anything.

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately It doesn’t really matter that much about some of the things you’re talking about. The fact is that based on most of what you have posted that he is a danger to your child. Maybe not a physically but absolutely toxic emotionally - he’ll fuck up both of your lives if you let him. You are in the perfect position to get both of you away from him. He’s not going to come after you because he can’t without his wife finding out. Run for the hills.

I’m so glad you are going to your mum’s. Moving nearer to your family and friends is really important.

I understand why you want your child to have a relationship with his father. That’s very important.

But it’s also really important that you protect yourself from this man and have strong boundaries in place. Your family and friends will be able to help you with that.

His behaviour is controlling and abusive and you need to think longer term about how this comes across to your child. You don’t want your son to grow up thinking how his father behaves towards women is normal or acceptable.

I also am sorry you are getting nasty responses on this thread. I think you need support not attacks. It says a lot about them as people.

But you've said yourself- he isn't normal. His behaviour isn't normal.

Its how you define behaviour that is the issue. Children should not grow up to see one parent being abusive and controlling towards another.

I would seriously consider moving to live near your mum and if he wants to see the baby then perhaps your mum can help supervise so you dont have to see him.

Thank you 🤗

I am at my mums house, I need the break but eventually I am going to have to go back home.

Look

Visits do not need to be supervised, nor does anyone have to be present. Stop making it out as if he is a danger to our child, he loves him and would never bring any harm to him, I fully trust him with the baby also.