AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

[lifesbeenfeelingheavylately]

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

No. You wouldn't be honest.

You continually sleep with a married man. One you've known for many years so you can't say he tricked or lied to you.

You have had a child to him despite knowing he already has children.

You cannot take the moral high ground.

That would be cutting your losses and moving away.

You chose to have a baby with a man that cannot be a co parent in any capacity. You are both a sleezy secret.

Everyone's world will come crashing down eventually with your DC in the middle of it.

It's safe to say that I would never run into his wife and family in public since we live in entirely different areas.

I can't even bear to imagine what it will be like as my son grows older, it just makes me feel depressed.

He told me last night that his mum would love the baby, and for now, we just need to see how things unfold.

Every day, I come to realise that my son will always be missing out.

No day trips to the zoo or anywhere in your child’s future?

People bump into people they know in different countries never mind within different areas of the same country!

Recently I've had two different occasions of people asking if I'm related to So-and-so because of my surname. It's not an uncommon occurrence. So what happens when someone asks DS if he's related to Cheating Scumbag and he says oh yeah that's my dad. Or will you teach him not to do that?

Every day, I come to realise that my son will always be missing out

Missing out on what?

Are you actually joking? You had a baby with her husband, slept with him this week and harboured him at your house after an argument yesterday….!

You’re a home wrecker even though the house is just about still standing 😳

Can you stop this please, I feel as if you are getting pleasure out of it.

No one will be asking my child if he is related to anyone. Myself, my son and his family will never ever cross paths.

He is the one who wanted this, so it’s all on him.

Its not all on him. He is manipulative but you could just say no.

Do you really want your child growing up witnessing this sort of dominant obsessive and controlling behaviour?

Because it's all imaginary?

Ok, stick your fingers in your ears and go la la la then.

You're learning. Don't give up on yourself and talk about yourself that way. You have some insight into your behaviour and you recognise he can't be in your life like this. Those are positives.

In practical terms, his wife needs to know about your baby for your son's sake. Otherwise you're too vulnerable to being treated like his secret family and you are tied into assisting him to see his son in ways that cross boundaries. When his wife knows, their marriage may end. That's ok. He will have to make arrangements to see all his children out in the open. He may be allowed to stay on the condition he cuts you both off. Better that than the reality of having a dad who can't acknowledge you in public. The truth will either come out later or your son will be very hurt by his behaviour. Tell his wife.

No, sorry. You knowingly slept with and became pregnant by a married man with children. You are both scummy.
What you are both doing now is scummier still. Own it.

Oh come on. You said you had fancied him for ages.

It takes two to tango. You could have said no.

I just don't understand your illogical thought process.

And has been continuing to sleep with him so an actual affair. An entire side family.

It's disgusting that people think that low of their innocent child.

No it isn’t all on him. You have to take responsibility for the fact you conducted a sexual relationship and had a child with a married man.

I didn’t want to have a child with him, yes I wanted a baby and I was actively trying with my ex for a while but it just didn’t happen.

When I was sleeping with my sons father it was always protected, the one time we went without that’s when I fell pregnant, I had no plans on keeping the baby, due to his circumstances.

Of course I let him know I was pregnant, if he would have said he didn’t want the baby I would have had to have an abortion.

I do not want to ruin what he has with his family, I’m not that kind of person.

Thank you babe x

I wouldn’t tell his wife, I would not get any satisfaction out of splitting up his family.

You actively contradict yourself in every post.

You always used protection except that one time you didn’t.

You didn’t want to keep the baby, but somehow did.

make it make sense!

best hope your son doesn’t do an ancestry and me/other DNA tracking scheme at any point in his life then.

Nothing is wrong with us. He is having domestic issues because he’s an abusive controlling nasty freak, and clearly his wife and kids get their share of his awful behaviour. It was always clear to everyone but you that he’s as awful and controlling a dad amd husband to his real family as he is to you. We are hoping telling her he has a second family he wants to see and sleep over with would be the final straw for his wife to leave him and then his other dc would be more protected from him too. Even if they have contact coming home to a house free of the controlling dad would be like a fresh breath of oxygen, when they get home to mums place they can be free. No-one delights in breaking up families, we want women and especially children protected from controlling men. You’re an adult and you can fuck your life up if you choose, but it’s horrible to see adults making choices every day to also do this to their children, it would be one small win for children in a tough world if his wife dumped him. And for your baby if you blocked him and never let him inside again.

You and he have already done enough to break his family.

Every time you see him, you and he are breaking his family
Every time you have sex, you and he are breaking his family

This thread is absolutely wild. How the OP can spout such faux naïveté as “why would I stop him seeing his son? Why wouldn’t I give him his last name?” Whilst still sleeping with a married man who she created a thread about to moan he is controlling and abusive?! the mind boggles.

Tbh your life sounds toxic and chaotic, an ex in prison, openly pursuing a married man, seemingly having no respect for your own child that you are using him as a pawn in your weird power games.

You and this man both sound as morally corrupt, thick and frankly scummy and classless as each other. The only victims in this are his wife and the children, who deserve much better than this.

What kind of future do you think you can provide for your baby?!

Are you okay? I would never ever use my son as a pawn!

What power games are you even speaking about?

I have let his father have every thing his own way since the baby was born.

I let him name him, he had his surname, so how am I using my child as a pawn?

I think you need to read back over the thread, because the two things you’ve mentioned do not make sense!

It’s you that isn’t okay, OP.