AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

[lifesbeenfeelingheavylately]

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

Anyone else expecting a similar post today as the OP is allowing him to spend the night again rather than kick him out?

Getting the sense we are all making it worse with our fury and responses. I’m going to take my own advice and ignore, block and delete!m this thread!!!!!

I take it back OP I've just seen your update.

I am completely surprised you didn't sleep with him.

No surprised at his controlling behaviour.

That’s OK

I am really going to start standing my ground, I can’t be nice to him anymore. I don’t know who the fuck he thinks he is.

One of your earliest posts on the thread OP.

How come you could type it but you didn’t realise what it meant for you?

I think you’re getting confused between allowing him to be a dad and exercise his parental rights and allowing him access to you.

In most coparenting relationships, there is access to the child without any access to the other parent if they don’t want it. You can let him be a dad and be part of his son’s life but you do not need him in your home, your bed or your life.

Go through CMS for maintenance, change your locks or don’t answer the door, tell him he can come at pre arranged set weekly times to see his son - make sure your mum or dad are also there since they’ll likely need to be supervised visits as baby is so young. Do not text him at all unless it’s specifically about your son and only then on a need to know basis. If he gets awkward about your shift in attitude then threaten to tell his wife about his affair and love child and where he spend the night after their argument this week. You have more power than you let yourself believe.

Get control back because this man is walking all over you and he knows it and you’re letting him.

I am not going through CMS for maintenance and visits do not need to be supervised, I don’t even know why you’d suggest such a thing.

I wouldn’t have carried his child if I thought that later down the line he would be a danger to him, I trust him to be alone with the baby.

I will get my control back, that’s the last time he can just turn up and get in my bed and demand this and that.

I didn’t say it because of a trust issue, it’s a way of creating distance between you and him and having him focus just on his child.

Do you want to be in a relationship with this man? And share him with his wife?

His visits to your DC should not include a visit or time with your.

You trust this man with your child so let him take the child out. You can meet in a neutral place to set boundaries away from your home and he can take the DC to the in park, soft play, swimming, etc.

If he doesn't want that then he can tell him wife and make proper arrangements to co parent.

I wouldn’t have carried his child if I thought that later down the line he would be a danger to him, I trust him to be alone with the baby.

What woman would?

if you trusted him with the baby you’d have gone to your cousin’s last night and left him to it.

You cooked him dinner, didn’t you?

I am not going through CMS for maintenance and visits do not need to be supervised, I don’t even know why you’d suggest such a thing.

Still rage baiting 😂

Shares how terrible this man is - people say yes he is and offer advice/support - HOW VERY DARE YOY SAY THAT.

I don’t want to be in a relationship with him, I am fine being by myself and I’m happy that I’ve got my baby.

Then you have to separate child access from access to you.

would a crayon drawing help?

I do trust him, but the whole point of my visitors coming was to see the baby.

No I didn’t cook for him last night, he said that I should be ashamed of myself because he stayed here and I didn’t cater for him, my answer to that was that I didn’t invite him over so I don’t know why he would expect food.

No, you’re being very rude now.

Then you should follow PP’s advice to put some distance between you.
I think you have some distorted idea of what using CMS is or means, and what having a formal child access plan means. Having these doesn’t make you ‘less than’. They are sensible, legal ways of protecting your peace whilst giving your child what they need financially and emotionally (with access to both parents).

Stop being a “pick me” and protect your child!

Almost like it's engineered to wind people up.

Ok, so I think you need to draw clear boundaries.

He can have contact with the baby from 4-5pm on Wednesday and Saturdays or whatever. That’s the only time he comes over.

Take access to you out of the equation and focus on forging a coparenting relationship only for the sake of your baby

I don't think the access should even be at her house. 1 hour twice a week in a public place.

The OP clearly cannot say no and isn't assertive so needs boundaries in place that won't put her in a difficult position.

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately I think you need to consider doing some sort of assertiveness training course as this guy is using you. He clearly fell out with his wife yesterday and hence wanted to stay at yours.

I know he fell out with his wife, he didn’t deny it. He said they have domestic issues, to be honest with you I don’t want to know because I don’t care.

Next time he comes over, call his wife to come and collect him

Is there something wrong with you? Very weird!

Why would I do that, it seems like people here find pleasure in breaking up families, I would never do something like that.

You've already broke up his family

Good grief!!!!

Just listen to yourself. You set your cap at a married man, for heaven's sake.

Are you not able to think logically?

Where do you see this going OP? You say he won't harm your son.

What are you going to do if you and your son find yourself out somewhere and you bump into him and his wife and family? And your son runs to him shouting daddy? Do you think he will run back to him hug him or pretend your son has the wrong man and expect you to back him up and say how sorry you are while he rejects your son?

When your son asks about his paternal family? Grandparents etc?

When your son figures out he's his dads dirty little secret what do you think that will do for his self esteem? When hes in therapy asking why he let's everyone walk all over him the way his dad walks all over you?

Do you think the dynamic between you and him is the relationship you want to model for your son? That this is the way you want him to treat people he cares about has he grows?

You need to get stronger OP.