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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

713 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
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RampantIvy · 01/05/2026 20:07

I just don’t understand how he feels so comfortable staying here with me.

If you hadn't cancelled your visitors he wouldn't have felt so comfortable. He also feels comfortable because you are unable to say no. Why? Why is it so difficult? Why are you so compliant with his demands? Are you a teenager? Does your mum know that you set your cap at a married man and thought it was perfectly OK to have unprotected sex with him?

I will not be sharing my bed with him tonight let alone sleeping with him.

Hmm. Yeah, right.

I am as frustrated as everyone else who has bothered to try and support you with advice, which you have ignored, so I am being very blunt here - Grow up and stop being so spineless.

Stop whining and being so passive, and take control of your life. No-one else can do it for you.

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:09

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:05

He doesn’t pay my rent.

I am bothered, I just can’t allow myself to get stressed out, I am a mother now and if I get myself into a mess it’s going to have an effect on my baby.

I just need to stay calm.

Fuck off. What else does “pays out living expenses” mean?

You’re just a doormat. Your kid is almost certainly going to be fucked up by the pair of you regardless.

He’s never going to leave you alone. This is it. Forever. No more boyfriends, no more time with friends. Because your feet are so far in the air for him you can’t even be bothered to try putting them down.

As I say, double up on your contraception. Don’t bring any more innocent children into this absolute shit show.

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:10

I will not be sharing my bed with him tonight let alone sleeping with him**

Anyone else having Deja vu?

BudgetBuster · 01/05/2026 20:20

This reply has been deleted

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ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:26

Did you grow up without your dad, OP?

Notabarbie · 01/05/2026 20:26

This reply has been deleted

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Uncalled for.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:34

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:26

Did you grow up without your dad, OP?

No I didn’t, my mum and dad are still together.

He knows the situation.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:35

Notabarbie · 01/05/2026 20:26

Uncalled for.

Oh that’s just someone who gets pleasure out of bullying strangers online. I don’t pay them any mind.

Thanks though.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 01/05/2026 20:35

He knows the situation.

And is happy that you are still sleeping with a married man?

BudgetBuster · 01/05/2026 20:41

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:35

Oh that’s just someone who gets pleasure out of bullying strangers online. I don’t pay them any mind.

Thanks though.

You don't pay anyone any mind sure

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:45

RampantIvy · 01/05/2026 20:35

He knows the situation.

And is happy that you are still sleeping with a married man?

Of course he is not happy with the situation, but he is glad that my sons father is present, and the baby has brought he and my mum so much joy.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 21:44

He has gone to bed, I can’t go on living like this.

OP posts:
IShouldNotBeSurprised · 01/05/2026 21:47

This is not about a relationship with his son, it's about his control of you. If he really wanted a relationship with his son, he'd be spending time with him, alone, not harassing you the whole time. Does he actually spend any time caring for the baby? Holding him, playing with him? If he was really there to see him, you would be able to hand him over and go out, or busy yourself around the house while he spent quality time.

Set up a visitation schedule. He takes the baby out somewhere or visits your house with you elsewhere.

It sounds like he has more contact with, and control over, you since you've tried to set some boundaries. He's not only crossing them, he's blowing right past them. Sleeping in your bed! When you've said no.

Madness.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 21:53

IShouldNotBeSurprised · 01/05/2026 21:47

This is not about a relationship with his son, it's about his control of you. If he really wanted a relationship with his son, he'd be spending time with him, alone, not harassing you the whole time. Does he actually spend any time caring for the baby? Holding him, playing with him? If he was really there to see him, you would be able to hand him over and go out, or busy yourself around the house while he spent quality time.

Set up a visitation schedule. He takes the baby out somewhere or visits your house with you elsewhere.

It sounds like he has more contact with, and control over, you since you've tried to set some boundaries. He's not only crossing them, he's blowing right past them. Sleeping in your bed! When you've said no.

Madness.

Edited

Yes he does spend time caring for the baby, I wouldn’t have him here otherwise.

He loves his child, no matter what, my son will always have a father that loves him.

Yes I agree he is crossing boundaries, I told him that I want to get an early night because I was up for the majority of the night last-night because I couldn’t settle the baby, and that I didn’t want to share my bed with him because it’s not something we should be doing, he said it’s up to me because there isn’t anywhere for him to sleep and if I want to go to sleep, I will sleep in the bed.

OP posts:
Brightonkebab · 01/05/2026 22:02

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:56

No, he's staying with his wife and hasn't told a soul about the baby yet.

More red flags than a communist party, you ignored all of them and now wonder why he’s controlling. Which bit of lying and prison wasn’t deterrent enough? I feel bad for the kid being landed in this mess.

RampantIvy · 01/05/2026 22:04

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 21:44

He has gone to bed, I can’t go on living like this.

So, do something about it then instead of letting him walk all over you.

He does it because you allow it. Every single poster is telling you the same. Stop being weak

Move back near your family and raise your boundaries. You need to forget about his "rights" to see your baby. You are allowing him to exercise his "rights" to control you. You need to get tough. If he wants to see the child he can go to court.

This is not about a relationship with his son, it's about his control of you

I agree with this ^^. You have been told this over and over and over and over again on this thread. Why isn't it sinking in?

Whining on here isn't achieving anythng because you have ignored all the brilliant advice peope have given you. So why do you ask for advice and ignore it?
Why?

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2026 22:13

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 21:53

Yes he does spend time caring for the baby, I wouldn’t have him here otherwise.

He loves his child, no matter what, my son will always have a father that loves him.

Yes I agree he is crossing boundaries, I told him that I want to get an early night because I was up for the majority of the night last-night because I couldn’t settle the baby, and that I didn’t want to share my bed with him because it’s not something we should be doing, he said it’s up to me because there isn’t anywhere for him to sleep and if I want to go to sleep, I will sleep in the bed.

Happy shagging! You are literally UNBELIEVABLE.

I feel so sorry for your child. ☹️

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 22:24

he said it’s up to me because there isn’t anywhere for him to sleep and if I want to go to sleep, I will sleep in the bed.

Well fuck me, there’s a plot twist nobody could have seen coming (from 10,000 miles away).

Nobody can be this pathetic and live long enough to bring a baby into the world, surely.

Haveyouanyjam · 01/05/2026 22:26

OP you need a reality check. Just because he’s not violent like your ex doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. He is. And this toxicity will impact your son if you allow this to continue.

He is asking about the baby smell because he doesn’t want to smell different at home so his wife will find out. You have no idea how many other people he has cheated with. He is clearly skilled at it and at manipulation and you cannot trust him. You are being naive whether you realise it or not. His OCD may well be real but it’s not an excuse for his controlling behaviour.

How do you think this is going to go when your child gets older? He will want to know why his dad is only around here and there when he feels like it. This will not be a secret forever.

Speak to an IDVA for advice. He is dangerous even if it’s not physically. How he is toward his wife may be entirely different than how he is toward the woman he has had an affair and child with who has the potential to ruin his life.

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 22:27

A few nights ago, he said he wanted to stay the night, I told him no, and I don’t know where he thinks he is sleeping because this apartment is a one bedroom, and I only have one bed, he had the audacity to answer with you.

Given the apartment presumably hasn’t had a baby of its own and sprouted another room in the past fortnight, this was fucking obvious to life forms on Mars this morning, OP. What is going on in your head?!

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 22:28

You could sleep on the sofa. Presumably baby sleeps in the bedroom so he can be up with him all night instead. Silver linings.

wandawaves · 01/05/2026 23:45

I assume we'll get an update from OP that they had sex again.
Then in a couple of months we'll get the update that oops, she's pregnant again.

99bottlesofkombucha · 02/05/2026 00:12

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 19:58

He doesn’t pay my rent, I will not be sharing my bed with him tonight let alone sleeping with him.

And yes you’re right I can’t be bothered to make him leave, I just want to keep the peace, but I don’t want him here.

He will be gone in the morning, I just don’t understand how he feels so comfortable staying here with me.

Do you not realise you owe your son the best you can do for him? and ‘I can’t be bothered’ isn’t even trying. If you really want to build the best life for your child you’d never open the door of your house to him again, tell him you will only meet him with your son in a public place, he is not allowed at your house and if he turns up again you won’t open the door and you will call the police. Then do that. Your child has no chance at growing up a healthy capable emotionally stable man if he grows up with this man stomping all over you, doing whatever he wants whenever he wants in your house and controlling you while he has his own family at home. Don’t be fooled, he doesn’t love his other children either. When is he caring for them? Absolute bullshit he gets up at night for them or ever inconveniences himself. Hes too busy hanging out at yours and telling you he will sleep in the bed. But ‘you can’t be bothered’ so the abusive asshole stays. Whenever he wants. Wherever he wants.
happy baby number 2 with cheating fucker.

Proudestmumofone1 · 02/05/2026 01:49

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:05

He doesn’t pay my rent.

I am bothered, I just can’t allow myself to get stressed out, I am a mother now and if I get myself into a mess it’s going to have an effect on my baby.

I just need to stay calm.

You have already created the biggest fucking mess for your child and are actively prolonging the instability and issues this will cause for him.

saying no is not creating a mess. Enabling your child to be around this is.

And I have to say, you seem to use emotions to control to by the way you write and reply. All this ‘I can’t cope with this’ And ‘I’m being controlled’ but then ‘going to do a food shop’ and ‘undressing him with my eyes’. Fucking ridiculous.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 02/05/2026 07:06

He’s gone, I made him leave!

My baby was crying, because he wanted his dummy, his father refused to give it to him but eventually he did soothe him and get him to sleep.

Talking about I must learn to persevere with him, and he has already told me that he doesn’t want him son having a dummy because he doesn’t need it.

I will continue to let him have the dummy, it is not up to him.

He is not getting back in here, this is the last time and I mean it, I will not allow him to come here give orders, demand and be inappropriate and try and sleep with him, and no I didn’t sleep with him or get in the bed with, I slept on the top of the bed.

I have just finished sending him a long text telling him about himself and he replied with “😂😂😂😂” and that he’ll see me soon.

I am so embarrassed and ashamed at myself, I’m disgusting and so is he.

OP posts:
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