AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

[lifesbeenfeelingheavylately]

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

Neurodivergent conditions are as hereditable as height.

there are no conditions that cause your penis to work hard at getting into other women’s vaginas.
it’s not a coincidence that he’s brought it up now, when you are pulling away and asserting that you deserve respect, it’s just another means of controlling you. Maybe he does have OCD or and autism. He can get his wife’s help with it, and it doesn’t change that you’re a good mum and he’s a controlling asshole who keeps trying to tell you what to do. If his condition is real and he’s a good man he’d be seeing professionals and possibly medicated. Don’t ask him about the condition. Ask him how he’s working hard to manage it and what the professional advice is. And it sounds like he’s made up details to be justifying that he is happier in your house than meeting baby outside - you Do. Not. Care. You can say very caringly ‘you had probably better go home then and ill meet you somewhere with baby when you’re feeling better.

manipulative controlling asshole is his primary condition and anything else he might have is irrelevant to you. The less your baby sees him the better the chances they don’t absorb it.

Yes, they are symptoms of being a manipulative controlling arsehole.

And yes, this condition can be passed down to your baby, as he will grow up watching his mum accepting this abusive behaviour, and will think that it's normal to treat women this way.

The wife is probably used to his behaviour, I heard from his this morning, he said he would be round soon.

I told him no, and that I want to be alone with the baby today and he can come tomorrow, and that if he just turns up I won’t let him in.

I am pleased with myself.

I would tell him you’re out, at this stage he may just turn up if you say no - he doesn’t appear to be over familiar with respecting boundaries does he. Then tell him when it suits you to meet.

The last post by @99bottlesofkombucha is excellent.

Yes her post was 🙂

Any time he just turns up here I will not let him in, he needs to learn boundaries.

This condition that magically makes it hard for him to spend time outside of his or your home. How convenient he is mentioning it now. 🙄😡

IF he truly does have something like autism and he chose not to share that with the person having his affair baby, he really should have brought it up before now.

People with autism may prefer their home comforts but I can tell you from direct experience that it doesn't mean he gets to come to your home when you'd rather meet him somewhere else. The other week he wanted to go out for a walk to play fake happy families didn't he. 🤔🙄🤦

You'd walk over hot coals to spend time with your child. If he is not open to a set routine where he spends time with your baby OUT of your house then that's his choice.

If you've known him for years do you know his wife too?

I do believe there is something wrong with him, but I won't ask him any more about it since it's not my business.

I wish he'd told me this before, not that being autistic is a bad thing, I don't discriminate.

Yes, I've known him for more than 10 years, but no, I don't know his wife. She comes from a wealthy background, so we don't have any mutual friends.

No mutual friends. Just a mutual baby daddy

He came here this morning and asked where I keep my clean sheets, as he needed to sleep. A confused me asked him why he needed to sleep when he had just come from his house. He said that he hadn't slept yet and mentioned something about dealing with domestic issues.

I never agreed to this nonsense, I have no idea who he thinks he is, showing up here and expecting to sleep. I will speak to him when he wakes up, because this is the last time something like this can happen.

I never agreed to this.

I’ll speak to him when he wakes up.

FUCK’S SAKE OP!!!!

The word you are missing from your vocabulary is NO.

Followed by FUCK OFF, SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED/CAR/OFFICE and LEAVE ME ALONE.

All these last times that aren’t last times are just making him absolutely sure he has you under his total control.

Assume you mean OP.

Yup.

Awh remember yesterday when you said "if he shows up here, I won't let him in" and we all knew you wouldn't actually do that and BOOM, today he is in your bed.

Your child deserves better than 2 idiot parents.

He wanted to come yesterday, I said NO, he said he’d come today.

I literally can’t cope with him and all the nonsense, once he is awake he needs to leave.

STOP BEING A DOORMAT AND LETTING HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS TO.

You’ve legally attached yourself to this nonsense for at least the next 18 years, OP. So it really would be best that you start laying groundrules (that you stick to) from now

or, as many of us said, stop his contact and let him
take you to court for a formal arrangement that you both have to adhere to.

I can't cope with him... but he's in your bed all day.

That doesn't make sense.

Kindly, OP, I think perhaps it's time you sought some help for yourselves from a therapist or alternative sources.

He is awake now, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. I told him he just can’t come here and sleep, only to be told stop acting like I don’t want him here, I really don’t.

My cousin and friend were supposed to come here to keep me company for the evening. I told him this and asked when he would be leaving. He said it might be tonight and asked me to tell them not to come since we are spending time together.

He treats this mess like a joke. I don't want him around, he should go back to his wife and kids.

It's getting to the stage where this situation can't continue. It seems as though he did this on purpose. Now that we share a child, he thinks he can just come over anytime, say inappropriate things, and ask to know when I'll start cooking dinner because he's hungry. I won't be making food for him.

I agree my son does deserve better

So do better

Well him to get out, or you will call the police.

ETA: Under no circumstances should you cancel your plans. In fact, I would ask them to come earlier.

Are you reading your posts back, OP?

Do you not see what we see?

(I’ll bet a £5 to charity the oven is on by 6pm.)

Can your cousin drop by now? Can anyone drop by now? And tell him to go home to his wife? You Must. Not. Let. Him. Over. The Doorstep. Message him ‘you cannot come and sleep in my house like you did today! You are not allowed in my house. If you want to see your baby message me what times work and a suitable location and I’ll bring the baby there. You’re not allowed into my house anymore, we are not in a relationship, I won’t open the door. All communication needs to be about your baby.’

You are not trapped. You ask him to leave immediately. If he doesn't, you go out with your baby, and call the police.