Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

428 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 21:41

Polkadotpompom · 28/04/2026 21:36

Fgs op.

Meet him once a week in a Costa/cafe where he can hold and talk to baby.

The shampoo is because he's going home smelling like someone's well cared for child, but not the one's he lives with!!

He wants you to use the same shampoo/bath stuff as his other kids so that when his wife or children are close to him they don't smell another child/person's toiletries on him! 🙄🤦

He doesn't need to be in your home.

You don't need constant back and forth conversations with him via phone or text.

He doesn't get to question or control you, insult your friends, question how much time people in your life spend with you, make demands etc.

His youngest child is 3 so he wouldn’t be using the same products as my 5 month old baby.

I do not want to meet him outside, and I don’t want him just turning up unannounced, when he come this morning I asked him in future to let me know when he is coming, he asked why and that I should know that he’d be coming.

It’s just going from bad to worst, he doesn’t need to come here everyday, baby is fine.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 28/04/2026 21:43

I do not want to meet him outside

Why not?

Scottishmamaagain · 28/04/2026 21:47

Why dont you want to meet him outside? Because he doesn’t want you bumping into anyone he knows? Because you are still his secret.

Honestly this is what the rest of your son’s childhood is going to be like. His dad is going to constantly be micromanaging you, comparing you to his wife. He will be wanting to control everything, wait until you start weaning, he starts going to school etc.

You have got yourself into this situation, now it’s time to get yourself out. Put your foot down and put boundaries in place. Once you start to that you’ll soon see he isn’t so nice.

SunnyRedSnail · 28/04/2026 22:00

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately this guy sounds mentally deranged! I'd be keeping the baby well away from him!

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 22:01

SunnyRedSnail · 28/04/2026 22:00

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately this guy sounds mentally deranged! I'd be keeping the baby well away from him!

Yes there is something defo wrong with him

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 28/04/2026 22:17

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 22:01

Yes there is something defo wrong with him

So what are you going to do?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 28/04/2026 22:22

What on earth have I just read?

OP, are you this much of a pushover in your other relationships?
Do you find it hard to ask for what you want or even know what you want?
Why are you so focused on pleasing this man?

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/04/2026 22:32

He’s around a lot at yours. I’d start going out as much as I could op, and set yourself some rules, that unless it’s prearranged you won’t let him in before lunch, you won’t let him in on two days in a row.
what makes you think he’s a good dad? Dh and I wouldn’t have time for this regular dropping in on you and checking the ring doorbell because our 3 dc take up pretty much all of our non working time! I’d suggest messaging if he says he’s at yours ‘I’m not in, I’m sure there’s something you could be doing with your children that you acknowledge, every time you come over without warning I am reminded that you have dc at home that you seem to just walk off from every day, I will never do that to mine. Go home and be a dad. Don’t come to visit <baby> without making arrangements beforehand, I won’t be waiting in in case you turn up.

ItTook9Years · 28/04/2026 22:37

he wants me to use them instead on my baby, because he doesn’t smell the same as his other children when they were the same age

He wants, his children.

Nothing to do with you or your baby’s wellbeing at all. Just what he wants.

Is it sinking in yet?

ItTook9Years · 28/04/2026 22:39

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 22:01

Yes there is something defo wrong with him

There is something wrong with YOU.

WHY are you constantly enabling him to get what he wants (literally)? Why are you avoiding every opportunity to take take some control and advocate for your child??????

Meezer2 · Yesterday 02:33

what have I just read. What a mess.

Swiftie1878 · Yesterday 07:56

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 28/04/2026 22:22

What on earth have I just read?

OP, are you this much of a pushover in your other relationships?
Do you find it hard to ask for what you want or even know what you want?
Why are you so focused on pleasing this man?

She’s not being a pushover. She is belligerently trying to show/prove that she’s a ‘good’ person, not a home wrecker, wouldn’t treat the father of her child ‘unfairly’ etc. All the things he’ll have mentioned to her when she decided to sleep with him in the full knowledge that he’s a ‘Family Man’ with a wife and three kids.
Won’t meet outside the home because that could embarrass him (she is the other woman with his dirty secret child, after all) and, anyway, meeting in cafes is what loser, divorced people do.

All at the expense of her child…

This guy should be needing to apply for access and paying child support.
She won’t ’lower herself’ to this because that would make her like every other woman who makes a mistake in the choice of her baby’s father. She isn’t like that. She’s ‘better’ than that and won’t become ‘THAT’ kind of woman.
She’s above all that. 🙄

Except she’s not. She had a blatant affair, knowing there is a wife and kids, got knocked up, and has now condemned herself and her poor child to links with this scummy man for the rest of her and their lives. And has still managed to learn absolutely NOTHING.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 19:21

He left me alone today, thank the Lord, but he did call to check on how the baby and I were doing. Once again, I told him that I wasn’t happy with how he had been treating me and that I was still upset about him asking me to bathe the baby with the products he brought over.

He said he's got OCD, which explains why he's so clean and orderly. He also mentioned there's something else wrong with him but couldn't remember the name, it's about having a routine. He likes spending time at home because being outside can sometimes overstimulate him, leaving him really tired and needing to sleep it off.

Does anyone here have any idea what he could be talking about?

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · Yesterday 19:23

Autism/ASD?

The underlying condition is undoubtably TWAT.

How is ringing you leaving you alone exactly?

BudgetBuster · Yesterday 19:26

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 19:21

He left me alone today, thank the Lord, but he did call to check on how the baby and I were doing. Once again, I told him that I wasn’t happy with how he had been treating me and that I was still upset about him asking me to bathe the baby with the products he brought over.

He said he's got OCD, which explains why he's so clean and orderly. He also mentioned there's something else wrong with him but couldn't remember the name, it's about having a routine. He likes spending time at home because being outside can sometimes overstimulate him, leaving him really tired and needing to sleep it off.

Does anyone here have any idea what he could be talking about?

How did he call you if you blocked him? 🚫

He doesn't have OCD... he's a controlling dickhead. You don't need to be blabbering on everytime you speak about how he treated you etc. A simple "Yes, baby is fine" is literally all he needs.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 19:30

ItTook9Years · Yesterday 19:23

Autism/ASD?

The underlying condition is undoubtably TWAT.

How is ringing you leaving you alone exactly?

Ringing once is leaving me alone, and I had to unblock him to avoid him just showing up.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 19:32

BudgetBuster · Yesterday 19:26

How did he call you if you blocked him? 🚫

He doesn't have OCD... he's a controlling dickhead. You don't need to be blabbering on everytime you speak about how he treated you etc. A simple "Yes, baby is fine" is literally all he needs.

He wouldn’t lie about having a condition, I asked him why he didn’t tell me about this before, he said that he doesn’t let him define him and that as I got to know him more, I’d know.

Now I’m thinking whether or not these kind of conditions can be passed down to my baby.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · Yesterday 19:34

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 19:32

He wouldn’t lie about having a condition, I asked him why he didn’t tell me about this before, he said that he doesn’t let him define him and that as I got to know him more, I’d know.

Now I’m thinking whether or not these kind of conditions can be passed down to my baby.

He absolutely would lie about having a condition. You're just too brainwashed and naieve to accept that.

He also doesn't just stay at home. He stays at random women's homes...

You do realise that if he just shows up, after you blocked him and told him to leave you alone, you just call the police? That's literal harassment and you're happy to facilitate it.

BlueMum16 · Yesterday 20:26

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 19:32

He wouldn’t lie about having a condition, I asked him why he didn’t tell me about this before, he said that he doesn’t let him define him and that as I got to know him more, I’d know.

Now I’m thinking whether or not these kind of conditions can be passed down to my baby.

Autism/ASD can be hereditary.

OCD is a serious mental health condition.

I'm not trying to worry you but this is the man making all the decisions for your baby. You know nothing about him.

You need to take back control and make your own decisions. Now!

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 20:27

BudgetBuster · Yesterday 19:34

He absolutely would lie about having a condition. You're just too brainwashed and naieve to accept that.

He also doesn't just stay at home. He stays at random women's homes...

You do realise that if he just shows up, after you blocked him and told him to leave you alone, you just call the police? That's literal harassment and you're happy to facilitate it.

The only other womans house that he has stayed at is mine and yes I know it’s wrong.

I think you are forgetting I have known him for years, he is not just some stranger off the street.

And I do believe that he has some kind of disorder, I will try and ask him more about it.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · Yesterday 20:37

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 20:27

The only other womans house that he has stayed at is mine and yes I know it’s wrong.

I think you are forgetting I have known him for years, he is not just some stranger off the street.

And I do believe that he has some kind of disorder, I will try and ask him more about it.

I am not forgetting you have been infatuated with this disgusting man for years.

I am riding everything you post and he will absolutely say anything to make you feel sorry for him to keep you hanging on.

guestusername · Yesterday 20:55

You’re too closely involved to see it properly.

He is only telling you these things to further manipulate you and you are falling for it, hook, line and sinker.

Please go and find where you left your self respect

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 21:07

I don’t know what to think now

OP posts:
SunnyRedSnail · Yesterday 21:30

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · Yesterday 19:21

He left me alone today, thank the Lord, but he did call to check on how the baby and I were doing. Once again, I told him that I wasn’t happy with how he had been treating me and that I was still upset about him asking me to bathe the baby with the products he brought over.

He said he's got OCD, which explains why he's so clean and orderly. He also mentioned there's something else wrong with him but couldn't remember the name, it's about having a routine. He likes spending time at home because being outside can sometimes overstimulate him, leaving him really tired and needing to sleep it off.

Does anyone here have any idea what he could be talking about?

Why did you answer?!?!?!

RunningJo · Yesterday 22:21

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 12:06

I am not doing that, I know him and I know that he doesn’t put his hands on women.

Sorry Op, but I suspect his wife thinks knows him too, yet here he is breaking his marriage vows.