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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

428 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 27/04/2026 14:06

And he is not protective of his other children, he’s controlling. Stop wrapping abuse in nice words, that’s how you stay abused.
you can talk about your ended affair relationship and your baby’s father to anyone you want. It’s your business and he doesn’t get to control that.

Scottishmamaagain · 27/04/2026 14:34

If i knew you in person I’d be flagging this to social services. He is displaying coercive and controlling behaviour and you don’t seem to be stepping in to protect your son’s best interests here.

guestusername · 27/04/2026 15:36

What a wonderful example you’re showing your child; 1) that it is ok for a woman to be treated like that and that it’s fine for him to do so as he gets older and 2) that a woman should go out of her way to accommodate being treated so badly. This is not ok. He may be just a baby now but he won’t be forever. What you are doing now isn’t putting him first

You really need to do some work on your self esteem. This man knows exactly what to say to you to get what he wants. And you just keep rolling over and taking it. Over and over and over again.

You have many, many wonderful replies of advice here but you seem to be ruling fanjo over head. You know deep down what you have to do, and indeed need to do. You just need to find your backbone and stick to your guns

TellHerToFuckOff · 27/04/2026 17:51

ItTook9Years · 27/04/2026 13:36

Classic. He’s trying to shrink your world.

never mind calling before he visits: tell him when he can visit and stick to it.

(didn’t you tell him you wouldn’t be sleeping with him this weekend…….?)

Edited

Nevermind telling him when he can visit either. OP could and should have him pursue contact through the courts, and she needs to pursue maintenance through CMS.

Anyway, OP is a lost cause. Don’t know why she came here for advice, or why people continue to advise her. She’ll continue sleeping with this man, continue to allow him to control her, continue to be the AP to a man who has 3 children at home, and continue to allow her child to be treated like a dirty little secret, and not good enough to be known by his wider paternal family. Pointless contributing to this or advising any further, I’m out.

ItTook9Years · 27/04/2026 18:40

TellHerToFuckOff · 27/04/2026 17:51

Nevermind telling him when he can visit either. OP could and should have him pursue contact through the courts, and she needs to pursue maintenance through CMS.

Anyway, OP is a lost cause. Don’t know why she came here for advice, or why people continue to advise her. She’ll continue sleeping with this man, continue to allow him to control her, continue to be the AP to a man who has 3 children at home, and continue to allow her child to be treated like a dirty little secret, and not good enough to be known by his wider paternal family. Pointless contributing to this or advising any further, I’m out.

I’ve suggested that at least 3 times in the thread, as have others.

(your user name is apt!)

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 18:40

TellHerToFuckOff · 27/04/2026 17:51

Nevermind telling him when he can visit either. OP could and should have him pursue contact through the courts, and she needs to pursue maintenance through CMS.

Anyway, OP is a lost cause. Don’t know why she came here for advice, or why people continue to advise her. She’ll continue sleeping with this man, continue to allow him to control her, continue to be the AP to a man who has 3 children at home, and continue to allow her child to be treated like a dirty little secret, and not good enough to be known by his wider paternal family. Pointless contributing to this or advising any further, I’m out.

I am not going through the courts or CMS I wouldn’t lower myself.

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 27/04/2026 18:52

Lower yourself from what?! You’re hardly Rapunzel!

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/04/2026 18:57

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 18:40

I am not going through the courts or CMS I wouldn’t lower myself.

Oh, do the courts only exist for the benefit of low-class people?

Scottishmamaagain · 27/04/2026 19:02

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 18:40

I am not going through the courts or CMS I wouldn’t lower myself.

Lower yourself 🤪

You are delusional. You have had an affair with a married man and father of 3 and justifying to yourself that it’s ok because you have always been attracted to him.

You are happy for you and your son to remain his dirty little secret. You are happy to let this man push you into decisions you don’t feel comfortable with including mutilating your child’s genitalia.

You are already pretty much at rock bottom, get a grip of yourself and get stuffs sorted for you’re son’s benefit before he has the chance to really screw you and your son up, or worse than that social work have to intervene because you won’t stand up and do what’s needed for your sons benefit.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 19:11

ItTook9Years · 27/04/2026 18:52

Lower yourself from what?! You’re hardly Rapunzel!

Going through the courts and going through CMS to get money from him, I am able to support my child without him and it’s not about money.

OP posts:
yikesss · 27/04/2026 19:28

ItTook9Years · 27/04/2026 18:52

Lower yourself from what?! You’re hardly Rapunzel!

Made me chuckle aswell 😂 the irony

ItTook9Years · 27/04/2026 19:31

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 19:11

Going through the courts and going through CMS to get money from him, I am able to support my child without him and it’s not about money.

I didn’t tell you to go to court. I told you to stop contact and make him go to court. For contact. Not money. To establish an agreement for contact that you can enforce instead of him having one foot in your house at all times.

BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 19:35

ItTook9Years · 27/04/2026 19:31

I didn’t tell you to go to court. I told you to stop contact and make him go to court. For contact. Not money. To establish an agreement for contact that you can enforce instead of him having one foot in your house at all times.

But that would make it harder for her to just sleep with him when she feels like it so the OP definitely won't do that.

Wtafdidido · 27/04/2026 19:36

What a bloody mess. Your poor innocent child. No doubt being kept apart and secret from its half siblings. And as for giving him the sperm doners surname that brings its own long term legal issues as he can fight you for access and custody. And let’s not even go down the route of you having genitally mutilated your poor baby. You really are a smashing human and parent 😠

BlueMum16 · 27/04/2026 20:29

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 19:11

Going through the courts and going through CMS to get money from him, I am able to support my child without him and it’s not about money.

It's great you can support your child but the father needs to do this too.

If he stops paying you child support you should pursue CMS to get what your DC is entitled to. This is ensuring the father supports the child. It's not about you, it's about your DC.

JaggyJumper · 27/04/2026 21:41

I don’t know if this point has already been mentioned because it took me so long to get through the rollercoaster of this thread, but your son probably isn’t his only secret child. He could have loads that he makes rounds visiting.

although this whole thread is a load of shit. You can tell someone has been bored 🙄

RampantIvy · 27/04/2026 21:59

but your son probably isn’t his only secret child. He could have loads that he makes rounds visiting.

That thought occurred to me as well. Also, if the OP is having unprotected sex with a cheater she really ought to get herself checked out.

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/04/2026 22:28

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 19:11

Going through the courts and going through CMS to get money from him, I am able to support my child without him and it’s not about money.

That post was clearly about him getting contact arranged for his child, because if you don’t tell him to seek access that way he will continue to use ‘seeing his baby’ as a reason to turn up at yours, expect to come in, and try for sex with you.
have lots of visitors op, I think he won’t want to come around when you have visitors as he knows how he will look, and that’s another reason he objects to you having visitors. They protect your and baby’s peace.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/04/2026 06:47

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 07:53

Yep

I will not allow him to speak about my friends like that, I wasn’t aware of how nasty he actually is.

This is what told you he was nasty?!

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/04/2026 06:47

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 19:11

Going through the courts and going through CMS to get money from him, I am able to support my child without him and it’s not about money.

🤦‍♂️

Swiftie1878 · 28/04/2026 07:53

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 18:40

I am not going through the courts or CMS I wouldn’t lower myself.

QED.

SisterThorn · 28/04/2026 09:13

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 11:16

I do not need to get a Clare’s Law disclosure on him, I don’t know why you’d even suggest that.

He is not a danger, or would never ever become aggressive towards me, he is not that type of man.

If has said if I carry on upsetting him and is just going to start to hate me.

What's this then if not a threat??? Open your eyes.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 21:03

I can’t deal with him anymore, he came here this morning, with baby wash and said that he wants me to use them instead on my baby, because he doesn’t smell the same as his other children when they were the same age.

Can someone tell me if I am exaggerating or not? because that is not something that a normal human being would do or say.

I asked him how does the baby smell, and he just said not the same, my mum, my friends and family always comment on how lovely my baby smells, now it’s making me feel very paranoid.

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 28/04/2026 21:15

Your baby your choice.

Why are you letting him turn up unannounced. Don't answer the door or send him away if not prearranged.

I thought you were taking back control.

Polkadotpompom · 28/04/2026 21:36

Fgs op.

Meet him once a week in a Costa/cafe where he can hold and talk to baby.

The shampoo is because he's going home smelling like someone's well cared for child, but not the one's he lives with!!

He wants you to use the same shampoo/bath stuff as his other kids so that when his wife or children are close to him they don't smell another child/person's toiletries on him! 🙄🤦

He doesn't need to be in your home.

You don't need constant back and forth conversations with him via phone or text.

He doesn't get to question or control you, insult your friends, question how much time people in your life spend with you, make demands etc.

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