AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

[lifesbeenfeelingheavylately]

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

Hope the Ring doorbell captured it. Make sure you save it.

Why did you open the door to him?

Are you starting to see how he's dangerous now?

I do not need to get a Clare’s Law disclosure on him, I don’t know why you’d even suggest that.

He is not a danger, or would never ever become aggressive towards me, he is not that type of man.

Oh well, just unblock him then.

She doesn't see him as dangerous.
He's a lovely man who is cheating on his wife and who controls the OP.

Fucking hell

You what... you're actually a danger to your child at this stage.

She's a delusional woman who needs to wake up and look out for her child. If this story is true it's fucked up on so many levels.

He doesn’t want the baby on social media because it’s his dirty little secret, use your brain here.

This is a sh*t show of a situation and you really need to buck up your ideas before baby starts being aware of what’s going on, or things get worse in terms of his controlling behaviour.

You are the one doing all the hard work looking after the baby, yet he is making the decisions that will impact the baby for the rest of his life.

Is your health visitor/ social services aware of what’s the situation is here? If not they should be, you need help and support. Alternatively go to women’s aid, you honestly need to get yourself and your baby out of this situation. It’s a pipe dream to think you can simply move away but still give him access to the baby and he will suddenly stop being controlling. Your son will probably never have the relationship with siblings/ his fathers family and I think your are extremely naive to think he could.

Actually he’s quite intensely controlling and he’s escalating. It really is quite possible he’s been a danger to a woman in the past. Anyway, if the Clare’s law won’t show anything what could possibly be the harm in submitting the request? Think of it as protecting your baby, you’re her mum and her only committed parent, you need to be safe.

Is your health visitor/ social services aware of what’s the situation is here? If not they should be, you need help and support. Alternatively go to women’s aid, you honestly need to get yourself and your baby out of this situation.

None of her friends know and her mum thinks he is “lovely”.

OP is never going to say “no” to him, she’s never going to put her foot down or advocate for her son. She thinks this control is a sign of love FFS. He’ll dictate everything he can to stop her living a normal life - she can’t work because he doesn’t want him in nursery, can’t let her mum babysit because the house is dirty, can’t have friends around, which school he’ll go to (can’t be the same one as his other kids), can’t get a passport,
can’t go on holiday (you now need his permission, OP - do you know that?), can’t move away, can’t use social media as you want to………….

I agree with the PP, OP, you need therapy and fast. (You won’t, and we’ll just keep doing this until something really bad happens.)

Well yes op. You need to stop listening to what he says and think what reaction does he want from saying this? In this case he wants you to keep being controlled by him.

post a pic of baby on social media. Not showing their face if that’s your personal rule, but something proud like you are so lucky to be this beautiful creatures mum, make sure your post is clear that you’re the mum so he can’t tell anyone oh that’s her friends baby. He is not the boss of you. He is not the one caring for your baby. Go on, be brave. Break one of his ridiculous controlling rules that have nothing to do with loving or even liking you or your happiness, and share your celebrating that you get to be mum to this beautiful baby.

and put in the Clare’s law request. Always better safe than sorry.

I am not doing that, I know him and I know that he doesn’t put his hands on women.

😂😂😂 You absolutely do not know him

I don’t even want to post him on social media anymore, and his reasoning behind it not incase people find out he is the father.

He doesn’t post his own children on social media, he is against all of that, so I do understand where he is coming from.

Judging by your replies on here, you sound like you are somewhat in love with this guy and are happy to continue sneaking around and being his side piece as long as he isn't irritating you / nit picking at you..

Establish some boundaries.

You mention you are financially stable without him which means you don't have to put up with ANYTHING you don't want to.

Advocate for yourself and your baby.

Stop saying yes to things you aren't happy or comfortable with.

Whilst he sounds like a dickhead, married man having an affair and what not.. I agree with him regarding social media.

I am also entirely sure he is very controlling of his own children too. You can post just your baby’s hand or something, babies hands are adorable, and i think you should post something where you can make the comment to say my beautiful baby or something showing it’s your baby. It’s all baby steps to do things he doesn’t want you to do until you stop feeling conflicted by this or considering his view. Your decision process should be ‘is it good parenting? Yes then do it/keep doing it’ and ‘is it good for me and good for baby or doesn’t impact baby? Yes then do it - going to your mums and having friends over fit this category. Giving you a break and giving you important social contact is good for baby. Your thought process should not include ‘does he not want me to do this?’

Except you’re not protecting him because you had him circumcised when he absolutely didn’t need to be, just because this man demanded it!

I don’t understand this situation OP and I’m not even going to pretend to. You’ve replied over 100 times so I didn’t read it all but from what I gather, you had an affair with a married man and got pregnant. He hasn’t left his wife, nor has he even told her about your child (this will eventually come out btw and when it does all hell will break loose…) For some reason you let him choose your baby’s name and gave him his surname (why?! you’re not even in a relationship let alone married!) And now he’s being weird and demanding other things from you which you happily roll over and accept.

People baffle me. I’m going to assume you have MH issues or severely low self esteem. I strongly recommend counselling.

He isn’t doing it to protect the baby, it’s obviously to protect himself so his wife doesn’t find out.

Unless the wife knows about OP, there's no way to link a baby to her husband, is there? Either way he's a twat. I just don't see anything wrong with not wanting to post the baby on social media.

I think everyone sucks in this situation.

Genius 😂

Thank you

I don’t understand why people think it has got something to do with his wife finding out.

No one would ever be able to link my baby to him, unless I told them.

Your ex was violent and got his friends and family to harass you. This was serious enough that you had to be moved for your own safety.

Your OP about this absolute Prince sets out the numerous ways he has and continues to control you, and this has increased even in the few days since you first posted.

It’s clear how poor your judgement is. Coercive control is a crime. Just because your son’s father hasn’t laid hands on you doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive.

Yes he is very protective over his other children too.

I told him, I wasn’t happy about how he spoke about my friends yesterday - he said he doesn’t care and I shouldn’t be discussing our business with them, I told him I didn’t which is true, he said I can always call or text him.

He wants us to get along, but I need to stop doing things to upset him, I let him know that I’ve done everything to please him, but it doesn’t seem good enough for him.

Also made it clear to him, he can’t just turn up whenever he wants, and that he must call first not just turn up, and that I will not be sleeping with him again.

Classic. He’s trying to shrink your world.

never mind calling before he visits: tell him when he can visit and stick to it.

(didn’t you tell him you wouldn’t be sleeping with him this weekend…….?)

why would you say you’ve done everything to please him?? That would be being a bad mum. Your highest priority should be caring for your baby, followed by caring for yourself. You should absolutely not be doing everything to please him.
since he seems very much in your life still, you reply my top priority is baby followed by looking after myself as a single mum, I don’t have much time or energy left to please you and a good man who cared about his baby and felt bad he couldn’t look after his own baby would be supportive of that. The world doesn’t revolve around you and nor does my life.’