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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

428 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 13:42

I have listened to this and taken it in

That doesn't seem terribly likely to me.
You've had exactly the same advice throughout the thread and completely ignored it.

BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 13:43

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:16

I know that I have done wrong, but the way you are speaking to me isn’t nice.

I do not need this right now; you know that I’m going through it.

What should I do?

Going through what exactly?

You're having an affair.. thats on you ffs

Stop asking what should you do. You've been told several times but you prefer to ignore and then moan. Grow the fuck up for your child's sake. Honestly you are an absolute disgrace.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:57

BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 13:43

Going through what exactly?

You're having an affair.. thats on you ffs

Stop asking what should you do. You've been told several times but you prefer to ignore and then moan. Grow the fuck up for your child's sake. Honestly you are an absolute disgrace.

Going through feeling embarrassed and guilty and I am aware that I’m a disgrace.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 14:01

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:57

Going through feeling embarrassed and guilty and I am aware that I’m a disgrace.

I have to say that you don't sound like you feel guilty.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:05

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 14:01

I have to say that you don't sound like you feel guilty.

I do, this should have never had happened.

I do not regret my child one bit, he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

But it’s not fair on him, I keep thinking about what is going to happen as he gets older.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 14:10

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:57

Going through feeling embarrassed and guilty and I am aware that I’m a disgrace.

Did you feel guilty with your legs in the air last night? No, you didn't.

Seriously go away now and cop the fuck on.

You should feel embarrassed... imagine your poor child in years to come knowing his parents are having a sordid affair, nobody is allowed to know about him, and his Dad only comes round to sleep with his mum. Oh and he has loads of other siblings he's never allowed know.

BuckChuckets · 26/04/2026 14:21

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:16

I know that I have done wrong, but the way you are speaking to me isn’t nice.

I do not need this right now; you know that I’m going through it.

What should I do?

Stop rage baiting on the internet, maybe? You've taken it too far with your switching back and forth between here are the terrible things this man does and omg guys he's my baby's father how dare you be mean. It's too unbelievable.

Swiftie1878 · 26/04/2026 14:23

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:09

Because I carry my Dads surname, he is the father and the baby belongs to him, it’s as simple as that.

And I shouldn’t have let him chose his first name “Sirius” it’s hideous and I fucking hate it, so I just call him by his middle name.

😂😂😂 OK. Good trolling. Well done. 👏👏👏

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 14:24

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:05

I do, this should have never had happened.

I do not regret my child one bit, he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

But it’s not fair on him, I keep thinking about what is going to happen as he gets older.

Which “this” do you mean, exactly?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:38

BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 14:10

Did you feel guilty with your legs in the air last night? No, you didn't.

Seriously go away now and cop the fuck on.

You should feel embarrassed... imagine your poor child in years to come knowing his parents are having a sordid affair, nobody is allowed to know about him, and his Dad only comes round to sleep with his mum. Oh and he has loads of other siblings he's never allowed know.

I felt guilty afterwards, and I told him this also.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 14:40

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:38

I felt guilty afterwards, and I told him this also.

😂😂 Makes no difference though

You'll do again

And again

And again

Probably in your dreams though because this story is getting so farfetched. Poor Sirius Snape.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:41

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 14:24

Which “this” do you mean, exactly?

I shouldn’t have been sleeping with him, I did it because he is the man that I have always wanted.

And I didn’t think that he was the cheating type, because he is very family oriented.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 14:43

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:41

I shouldn’t have been sleeping with him, I did it because he is the man that I have always wanted.

And I didn’t think that he was the cheating type, because he is very family oriented.

What?
You've literally been cheating on his wife with him, for years.

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 14:45

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:41

I shouldn’t have been sleeping with him, I did it because he is the man that I have always wanted.

And I didn’t think that he was the cheating type, because he is very family oriented.

Urgh.

You still want him. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise. I still can’t believe you agreed to have part of your child’s genitals cut off for him.

And it’s a bit rich to say you admired his being “family oriented”. Which bit of shagging you confirms that?

You’ve been an absolute idiot for at least 14 months. And there are no signs at all that you even realise it.

LizzieW1969 · 26/04/2026 15:11

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:41

I shouldn’t have been sleeping with him, I did it because he is the man that I have always wanted.

And I didn’t think that he was the cheating type, because he is very family oriented.

How could you have ever thought that? He’s been cheating on his poor wife with you.🙄

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 15:24

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 14:43

What?
You've literally been cheating on his wife with him, for years.

It hasn’t been for years, we had something going on for only a matter of weeks.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 15:29

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 14:45

Urgh.

You still want him. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise. I still can’t believe you agreed to have part of your child’s genitals cut off for him.

And it’s a bit rich to say you admired his being “family oriented”. Which bit of shagging you confirms that?

You’ve been an absolute idiot for at least 14 months. And there are no signs at all that you even realise it.

I do not want him like that, I want him to stay with his wife and children and leave me to my own devices and stop interfering.

I know I shouldn’t have went ahead with my sons circumcision, but what is done is done now, it isn’t going to affect his life and he will not even realise until he is much older.

I know he is family oriented because I have known him for many years.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 15:38

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 15:29

I do not want him like that, I want him to stay with his wife and children and leave me to my own devices and stop interfering.

I know I shouldn’t have went ahead with my sons circumcision, but what is done is done now, it isn’t going to affect his life and he will not even realise until he is much older.

I know he is family oriented because I have known him for many years.

A) You do want him like that. You've repeatedly said you would sleep with him again.... and did. Apparently.

B) It will certainly affect your sons life when you explain to him that you circumcised him because you weirdly obsessed with his useless father

C) How can he be family orientated when he's busy shagging you left right and centre and hiding his secret child 🙄

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 15:38

I know he is family oriented because I have known him for many years

Why did you sleep with him?
Knowing he was family oriented?

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 15:46

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 15:24

It hasn’t been for years, we had something going on for only a matter of weeks.

Your baby is 5 months old and it takes 9months to grow one.

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 15:47

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 15:24

It hasn’t been for years, we had something going on for only a matter of weeks.

Semantics. You fawned over him for years. It’s going to go on for at least another 18 years.

RunningJo · 26/04/2026 15:50

OP, with the greatest of respect, if I’m wrong and this is true you need to get help, maybe counselling, because you aren’t listening to any advice on here and this situation is ridiculous.

This man has a wife and children, you had a brief affair, and ended up having a baby.
His wife, we assume doesn’t know, or maybe she does and doesn’t feel she can act on it, or maybe he’s lied (again) to her. Who knows.
Likely she doesn’t know, and you are a secret. Maybe he likes that, the control over you and the fooling of her.
If that’s the life you wanted, that’s on you… until you had a baby.
Now you have a responsibility to your child. Not his father, not his other family, but your child.

You need formal arrangements in place for him to see your son, and to pay maintenance. How he squares that away with his other family is up to him. But you need to get some self respect, concentrate on your child and the life you can and should build,
with him as your priority.

This man is a looser, this isn’t love, it’s not a relationship. Imagine what you’d tell a friend if they were living like this!.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 15:53

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 15:38

I know he is family oriented because I have known him for many years

Why did you sleep with him?
Knowing he was family oriented?

Because I wanted to, and that’s me being honest. I never thought that something like this would happen.

Like I said before, I have known him for a long while, he would always make comments, and I would say to him, I will find your girl/wife and tell her.

It was only when my ex partner went to prison, I took my chance.

I don’t know if anyone here has been in the same situation, where your so sexuality attracted to a person, every time you see them you are undressing them with your eyes, and you basically just want a piece of them.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 15:55

RunningJo · 26/04/2026 15:50

OP, with the greatest of respect, if I’m wrong and this is true you need to get help, maybe counselling, because you aren’t listening to any advice on here and this situation is ridiculous.

This man has a wife and children, you had a brief affair, and ended up having a baby.
His wife, we assume doesn’t know, or maybe she does and doesn’t feel she can act on it, or maybe he’s lied (again) to her. Who knows.
Likely she doesn’t know, and you are a secret. Maybe he likes that, the control over you and the fooling of her.
If that’s the life you wanted, that’s on you… until you had a baby.
Now you have a responsibility to your child. Not his father, not his other family, but your child.

You need formal arrangements in place for him to see your son, and to pay maintenance. How he squares that away with his other family is up to him. But you need to get some self respect, concentrate on your child and the life you can and should build,
with him as your priority.

This man is a looser, this isn’t love, it’s not a relationship. Imagine what you’d tell a friend if they were living like this!.

I agree with everything you’ve said.

If one of my friends were in this position I wouldn’t be happy with them, I would continuously tell them what they’ve done is wrong and that they haven’t got an ounce of shame.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 15:57

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 15:53

Because I wanted to, and that’s me being honest. I never thought that something like this would happen.

Like I said before, I have known him for a long while, he would always make comments, and I would say to him, I will find your girl/wife and tell her.

It was only when my ex partner went to prison, I took my chance.

I don’t know if anyone here has been in the same situation, where your so sexuality attracted to a person, every time you see them you are undressing them with your eyes, and you basically just want a piece of them.

I've never been so attracted to someone I've blatantly had an affair, had their kid, ruined multiple lives, continued to have an affair after realising how stupid I've been, allowed my sons privates to be snipped, doing everything a conniving deceitful man is telling me to do and then crying to the internet whilst simultaneously still sleeping with him.

No.

But I truly try to out my children first.

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