Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

428 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
thecomedyofterrors · 26/04/2026 09:56

Why on earth did you give the baby his surname and let him chose the first name. You sound like a pushover as well as very foolish. Can these things be changed? It’s not too late. 🤦🏽‍♀️
The rest sounds frankly, crazy. An ex in prison, who cat give you a baby asap, so have one in an affair?! Then give the baby his name? Have some self-respect and give your baby respect and an identity. Your name and a first name you like.

BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 09:56

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 09:52

I do care, it might not seem like I don’t but I do. He should also be not wanting to sleep with me either, but he just doesn’t see the wrong behind it.

🙄 Stop blaming him. You can't control him. You can only control your actions which are just utterly fucking ridiculous.

Grow up, keep your knickers on and start giving a shite about your child. It's clear you don't care about his wife or other kids but DO BETTER for your son.

thecomedyofterrors · 26/04/2026 09:59

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 08:30

No he didn’t, no one could ever force me to do that.

I have come here for support, only to be accused of trolling.

This is a very difficult and embarrassing situation for me, I haven’t been rude or disrespectful to anyone here, so I don’t expect people to do it to me.

I am so lost and lonely, I’ve let him know that this can’t happen anymore and he needs to go and be with his wife, as this really isn’t fair on her or his other children

No, it’s not fair on his wife or other kids. You’ve messed up their lives. Grow up and be responsible. This sort of problem really annoys me, as you’ve not learned right from wrong, act irresponsibly, cause damage to children emotionally and have no concept of the fall out of your actions. Teachers and therapists will be living up the pieces of your quick shag- poor morals, for decades to come.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:09

thecomedyofterrors · 26/04/2026 09:56

Why on earth did you give the baby his surname and let him chose the first name. You sound like a pushover as well as very foolish. Can these things be changed? It’s not too late. 🤦🏽‍♀️
The rest sounds frankly, crazy. An ex in prison, who cat give you a baby asap, so have one in an affair?! Then give the baby his name? Have some self-respect and give your baby respect and an identity. Your name and a first name you like.

Because I carry my Dads surname, he is the father and the baby belongs to him, it’s as simple as that.

And I shouldn’t have let him chose his first name “Sirius” it’s hideous and I fucking hate it, so I just call him by his middle name.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 26/04/2026 10:19

Because I carry my Dads surname

So what!

he is the father and the baby belongs to him

No, the baby does not "belong" to him

It’s as simple as that.

No, it isn't.

Your priority is you and your baby. Stop prioritising the sperm donor. What kind of upbringing did you have to believe that men have the right to dictate to you? You are your own person. Grow up and start acting responsibly.

You need to go to baby groups so you can meet other people. I also think you should move back to be near your family. You have a very warped idea of thinking that you need to prioritise the father here. Your rights and the baby's rights trump his.

TimeForTeaAndG · 26/04/2026 10:22

Sirius?

Did the registrar wonder how you, baby, baby's dad, and a shark all fitted in the office?

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 10:29

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:09

Because I carry my Dads surname, he is the father and the baby belongs to him, it’s as simple as that.

And I shouldn’t have let him chose his first name “Sirius” it’s hideous and I fucking hate it, so I just call him by his middle name.

This is definitely a wind up.

BuckChuckets · 26/04/2026 10:30

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 08:30

No he didn’t, no one could ever force me to do that.

I have come here for support, only to be accused of trolling.

This is a very difficult and embarrassing situation for me, I haven’t been rude or disrespectful to anyone here, so I don’t expect people to do it to me.

I am so lost and lonely, I’ve let him know that this can’t happen anymore and he needs to go and be with his wife, as this really isn’t fair on her or his other children

Stop trolling.

BuckChuckets · 26/04/2026 10:31

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:09

Because I carry my Dads surname, he is the father and the baby belongs to him, it’s as simple as that.

And I shouldn’t have let him chose his first name “Sirius” it’s hideous and I fucking hate it, so I just call him by his middle name.

Brilliant 😂

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:31

RampantIvy · 26/04/2026 10:19

Because I carry my Dads surname

So what!

he is the father and the baby belongs to him

No, the baby does not "belong" to him

It’s as simple as that.

No, it isn't.

Your priority is you and your baby. Stop prioritising the sperm donor. What kind of upbringing did you have to believe that men have the right to dictate to you? You are your own person. Grow up and start acting responsibly.

You need to go to baby groups so you can meet other people. I also think you should move back to be near your family. You have a very warped idea of thinking that you need to prioritise the father here. Your rights and the baby's rights trump his.

Edited

I am going to a baby group next week, my health visitor gave me the details to one nearby, I think once I meet new people I’ll be fine, because I don’t have any issues making friends.

I just feel so lonely here.

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 10:34

On the tiny off chance that it isn’t, you’re utterly pathetic OP.

You’ve been flouncing around on here telling all of us that have been giving you advice that we don’t understand and you’re not being controlled and you don’t want him and you just want him to be a father and and and

And it’s all bollocks. You’re talking to him constantly, grateful for tiny scraps of attention. You have ZERO boundaries and no idea how fucked your baby’s life is going to be. You are allowing this snake all of the control.

And you’ve been told multiple times you need to stop contact, block him and let him go to court for structured access that doesn’t involve you sleeping with him the second his wife’s back is turned.

You need to go cold turkey and really sort your head out. Your baby deserves more than this. You’re a fucking disgrace. .

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:35

No it’s not a wind up, I know that I shouldn’t have allowed him to name him that. But at the time I just wanted to please him.

I can’t change it because he needs to consent to it.

OP posts:
VeraWang · 26/04/2026 10:42

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:09

Because I carry my Dads surname, he is the father and the baby belongs to him, it’s as simple as that.

And I shouldn’t have let him chose his first name “Sirius” it’s hideous and I fucking hate it, so I just call him by his middle name.

Because I carry my Dads surname

Lol, that might not be all you're carrying.

TellHerToFuckOff · 26/04/2026 11:18

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:31

I am going to a baby group next week, my health visitor gave me the details to one nearby, I think once I meet new people I’ll be fine, because I don’t have any issues making friends.

I just feel so lonely here.

Ya, you might find your ability to make friends has changed now… very few people will want to be friend with a mother who continues to allow her child be kept a dirty secret, or who continues to be the dirty AP to a man hiding a whole other life from his wife and 3 children.

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 11:44

But at the time I just wanted to please him.

At the time? All the time. You’re his simp.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 12:32

Why is only online people feel so comfortable saying nasty things?

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 12:41

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 12:32

Why is only online people feel so comfortable saying nasty things?

People are responding to YOUR POSTS. You’ve made and continue to make horrifically bad decisions and can’t see what you are doing.

Believe me, if I thought you lived anywhere near me I’d say it to your face in the hope of giving your head a wobble.

BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 12:41

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 12:32

Why is only online people feel so comfortable saying nasty things?

I'd happily say to your face how you are fucking up your kids and 3 others lives.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:16

I know that I have done wrong, but the way you are speaking to me isn’t nice.

I do not need this right now; you know that I’m going through it.

What should I do?

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 13:18

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 12:32

Why is only online people feel so comfortable saying nasty things?

I'd tell you in person too, believe me..
Hmm

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 13:19

What should I do?

Stop letting him be unfaithful to his poor wife.

Stop letting him control you.

Stop letting him see the baby.

But we've all told you this, over and over again.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 13:22

The only thing I want from him is to be there for my child

So you'll shag him to achieve this.
Unbelievable.

I don’t want to share him

Eh? I thought you asked for advice on getting him out of your life, because he's so controlling.

..........and I shouldn’t be sharing him

No, you shouldn't. He has a wife and children.

99bottlesofkombucha · 26/04/2026 13:32

Op, you need to recognise that he is very controlling. He is not saying these things because he loves you, he is telling you it’s because he loves you because he thinks those are the words that will make you do what he says and focus on what he wants you to focus on and not have time or headspace to think for yourself. He wants you to think you’re a bad mum, that he is the only person really looking out for this baby as without him you’d be bringing it up in a dirty house with damaging rules (your house is not dirty, and dummies are not damaging. He wants you to think they are so that you think you’re a bad mum and rely on him). He doesn’t want you to have fun at your mums because it’s a space free of his control so he tries to make you think it’s dirty and baby isn’t safe there and you’re a bad mum. He doesn’t want you to have friends so he tells you they are bad for baby. Please remember that your baby only when you. Your baby can’t rely on their dad, who’s pretending to most /all of his friends and family that your baby doesn’t exist. If something happened to you he’s hardly going to say oh I’ll take you home with me to love and cherish , I’m your only parent now and I will give you everything. He might offer your mum money, or he might not as he will know he can’t control your mum and the money he’s paying is part of trying to get the control he wants. You are the only true parent your baby has, and you need to look after you. Mute him for long periods so you can think without him in your space (I suggest this as I know you aren’t about to cut him off! Which you should do) keep him off the ring doorbell, do not give him information about your life he doesn’t need, and if he has more advice about your baby say so should we go around to yours now and ask your wifr if you were this amazing dad who taught her everything she knows about parenting? No? Then stop criticising the only full time parent this baby has. You’re a visitor and you should leave.

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 13:32

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:16

I know that I have done wrong, but the way you are speaking to me isn’t nice.

I do not need this right now; you know that I’m going through it.

What should I do?

There is no nice way to say it though. You’ve ignored every bit of advice your been given on here. What’s the point?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:39

99bottlesofkombucha · 26/04/2026 13:32

Op, you need to recognise that he is very controlling. He is not saying these things because he loves you, he is telling you it’s because he loves you because he thinks those are the words that will make you do what he says and focus on what he wants you to focus on and not have time or headspace to think for yourself. He wants you to think you’re a bad mum, that he is the only person really looking out for this baby as without him you’d be bringing it up in a dirty house with damaging rules (your house is not dirty, and dummies are not damaging. He wants you to think they are so that you think you’re a bad mum and rely on him). He doesn’t want you to have fun at your mums because it’s a space free of his control so he tries to make you think it’s dirty and baby isn’t safe there and you’re a bad mum. He doesn’t want you to have friends so he tells you they are bad for baby. Please remember that your baby only when you. Your baby can’t rely on their dad, who’s pretending to most /all of his friends and family that your baby doesn’t exist. If something happened to you he’s hardly going to say oh I’ll take you home with me to love and cherish , I’m your only parent now and I will give you everything. He might offer your mum money, or he might not as he will know he can’t control your mum and the money he’s paying is part of trying to get the control he wants. You are the only true parent your baby has, and you need to look after you. Mute him for long periods so you can think without him in your space (I suggest this as I know you aren’t about to cut him off! Which you should do) keep him off the ring doorbell, do not give him information about your life he doesn’t need, and if he has more advice about your baby say so should we go around to yours now and ask your wifr if you were this amazing dad who taught her everything she knows about parenting? No? Then stop criticising the only full time parent this baby has. You’re a visitor and you should leave.

Thank you.

I have listened to this and taken it in, I think it’s best to have minimal contact with him. I will let him see the baby once a week.

I can not continue living like this, everyday I feel depressed!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread