AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

Yes, it’s really unfair to expect the same as the boomer generation where their mums often hadn’t worked at all, became grandmothers in their 40s or 50s and them helping to look after the baby was quite different to someone who has kids aged 38 and expects their nearly 70 year old mum who has just retired from an exhausting full time career to spend several days a week looking after a toddler.

I have a granddaughter and also a son 3 months younger and a son of 11 months i have enough to deal with

I don’t know what I would be missing as my grandparents were overseas we never had a relationship with them this is well before the tech we have today.

My parents are happy for DC to visit so we go over 2-3 times a month. MIL visit is every 8 weeks. She is wound up on her own life and retirement fun to help.

I never had my mum or MIL reach out to me as fellow mums to talk to me or make me a cup of coffee and hold DC while I put laundry on or take a nap. I’ve helped them both when they have needed it.

DC knows who these people are but it’s not this warm and fuzzy relationship it’s more formal sort of more for show. An obligation.

I hope if my DC has a baby, DH and I can help similar to the grandparents I read about on here who help with whatever they can and have a lovely bond with their grandchildren.

If I can’t due to health or age then I’ll have some funds saved up to help pay for an au pair or nanny. I’ll do what I can to lighten the load.

Maybe it’s because women have more autonomy now. I went into having my children knowing that myself and partner would be doing it on our own. I do think it’s a shame that my kids don’t have a strong love and bond with their grandparents. I hope that if I’m a grandma someday that I’ll do all I can to help, within reason. It’s hard work parenting and I would want any future grandchildren to have the benefits of a wider family unit they can rely on and go to.

😆

Are you going to babysit your grandchildren when your children have them?

I cannot believe that anyone wonders about this.
I'll probably still be working if I become a grandmother. Many older people continue to work. Many become grandparents just as they retire. After a lifetime of hard work - and parenting- why shouldn't people enjoy their retirement?
Minding children is hard bloody work and not everyone wants to do it. As we get older, not everyone is able to do it either. It's absolutely nonsense to suggest that a loving bond is only created by effectively childminding. What does that say about relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins?

I am the oldest of 7 children and the oldest girl and oldest grand-daughter. I married, birthed and raised 4 kids and some older step-kids (raised not birthed obv). My youngest is 19 and I have JUST become an empty nester as he is at Uni. I love all my kids and my husband is ok too ;) BUT the fog has just started to lift and I am now thinking "how did I get here"?? How did I spend my WHOLE life centred around everyone else? I don't have that much time to have a life that's just for me (not in a selfish way but more in a way that I want to choose for ME). And my husband is down for that too.

I am at the age and freedom stage where I have finally started doing things I like - book club, swimming, I've returned to my pre married weight, now have a vinted addiction as I'm rediscovering style, I go to the spa, I've been away on my own on holiday, I have a bus pass and go for free trips to the art gallery, I go for facials, I get my nails done now (who AM I??).

Can't we just let all these women (I realise we are not just talking about grandmothers but aren't we?) finally have their time?? Like I said above, I love spending time and playing with the grand child we have so far but I do NOT want my autumn/winter years to be tied up all over again in the service of others.

FREE women of a certain age.

Sorry I lost my edit opportunity,
and I think anyone who has expectations of their parents and thinks it's their "right" to have them look after their children is an absolute arse who doesn't look at their parents as human beings with lives but only as people to "do" for them.

Love this!! ❤️

Who wouldn't want this for their DM, knowing full well they've raised you and sacrificed so much.

Enjoy your free time.

I don’t live near my Dgc, I’m still working. I would help out if we were nearer and love to see them

I am looking forward to retirement and having some leisure time

We have had virtually no help and no village. My mother isnt hands on and my MIL only helps her favouritises and they get loads of help!!.

Our older kids have now noticed the favouritism from MIL and her total lack of interest in them and are showing the same back lack of interest back to her now. They are still fine with my mum because they know she isn't hands on but also that she doesn't play favourites.

They also know as long as we are able to we will help them and support we will. They also have been told we will help as grandparents as long as we are able to. I dont want my kids to ever feel as physically, mentally and emotionally burnt out as we have done because despite having a disabled child and seriously ill one we got no help. I could not stand back and watch my kids struggle the way we have done and not offer some help and support.

The bigger question is why mums dont want to look after their own children.

My MIL has four children, who all have children. She was very involved with two of the families and did loads of childcare to help them. She wasn't at all involved in two of them.

Guess which ones are divorced? I often wonder if the marriages might have survived if the parents had learned to take responsibility for their own lives instead of delegating their children.

@myislandhome My older sister is a bit like you, had to assist with much younger siblings, me and two other sisters from 12, she was married and had a child young at 19.

She had another a couple of year later and then an accidental third a further decade on. So it stretched small child rearing years. She was a Granny at 43 and helped loads as her DD was abandoned when PG. Then further grandchildren arrived at regular intervals over the next 15 years.

She is now in her early seventies and had about 5 years where she did no childcare and enjoyed some hobbies and travelled with her DH, just within the UK. But now her DH is very ill and her describing all his issues that’s it now she is his carer. That man is not going to get better and the operation he needs is too high a risk.So that poor woman has had a life dominated by caring.

I mean everyone loves her and she is viewed very much like some kind of earth Mother but really she was a bit of a doormat. Who put everyone’s needs above her own.

Also, I was born in the 80s and we never had grandparents looking after us as they lived far away. In my class in primary school, a couple of kids had grandparents living close by who looked after them but most didn’t. I know the OP says her mum had help but most didn’t.

This is so sad :(

I agree - I reported several other threads to MNHQ stating that there is something underlying all these threads but they said each poster had a history so were not bots etc. which still doesn’t preclude them from being journalists/researchers working in concert.

Am coming close to leaving MN as it is getting ridiculous now, but have been on a few threads about A levels/uni apps that I keep coming back for.

Thanks for reading. You dont know me at all. I'm so pleased I dont know you.

The bigger question is why mums dont want to look after their own children.

Why mums? What about the dads?

Couldn’t agree more. People having kids and expecting everyone else but them to raise them. Exhausting.

Did you report the dogs in cafes threads as well?

Fortunately avoided those, but have reported the waves of others similarly identical themed ones. It makes no difference. I’ve only been on MN for under 2 years but think it has lost its appeal for me. Am fed up with the polarised, rage bait nature of most of the threads, or the pile-ons on seemingly sincere support seeking threads, these days. And the sarky replies like yours, really.

Yep. Am done, here.

I understand what you mean. It’s not just about ‘childcare’ it’s about involvement with the children’s lives.
My mother didn’t work, but my grandparents regularly had me (a couple of times a week) She also had 2/3 nights out a week, while my dad worked full time and always stayed home.
When I had kids she showed no interest in them and bemoans the fact that they don’t call or visit her now they’re grown. They are just matching her energy. My dad on the other hand dotted on them and they shared their lives with him. They reminded married until he died a few years ago.
I think some women, especially years ago, were pressured into having children. Even if they don’t acknowledge this resentment.

I'd say it's the other way around - maybe if grandparents wanted to help their adult children and develop a bond with grandchildren, then said adult children and grandchildren would want to reciprocate that???

Unlikely. People are inherently selfish. You could provide round the clock care for your children and grandchildren and it still doesn’t guarantee that they will give a crap about you in old age.