AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

My mum was straight to the point with her (you had children) you look after them..don't get me wrong she spent time with them her choice but would only on the very odd occasion actually babysit...

My Parents retired in their 50s long before I had Children, my PILs retired over a decade ago!

It’s not childcare I was looking for…. My kids are in secondary school now… it’s more about having fond memories of spending time with them (apart from when I cook them dinner or take them out to a restaurant-) four times a year!

They have never visited on Christmas Eve, or taken them out for the day… not even to the park!

They seem to prefer staying in their separate houses watching homes under the hammer alone!

They are not short of cash… they have plenty of holidays and buy gadgets that they don’t need!

But they just can’t be bothered with any of their Grandchildren (not just our children) and send cheques rather than buy them presents for Christmas and Birthdays.

It’s totally different to the relationship I had with my Grandparents who would take me to museums, galleries etc… for a day out!

My DH Grandparent’s would have all six grandchildren stay with them for a couple of weeks in the summer and take them to football matches, museums etc….

They are not alone… friends also feel sad that our baby boomer parents just seem to care less about their grandchildren than our own grandparents did!

I also have no idea why you think that only Grandmothers could take out their Grandchildren for the day? I remember visiting places with both grandparents or just my Grandfather who loved visiting exhibitions.

I get it to be fair, kids are tiring, being old is tiring, having to bend down, crawl around, cook for them, wipe their bums, clear up their mess, deal with tantrums. I love my kids and I know I will help them out if I can when they have kids. I also know my parents (who do help 1 day a week) have between them - arthritis, a chronic uti issue, a recent knee replacement, high blood pressure and regular migraines. To ask more of them is really unfair. If they were sprightly and under 70 and my kids were easier ( 1 autistic, 1 adhd) then maybe they would, but I totally get why they can't. I also totally get some people don't actually really like small children, or have busy social lives that they've waited 25 years for.

There’s definitely been a generational shift. Whatever happened to “it takes a village to raise a child” 🙈

We’ve had no help from either sets of grandparents for our 2 DDs. We both work full time (like many we have to to keep the roof over our heads). It’s been so incredibly hard without having that support.. Even just a couple of hours on a weekend, or after school would make a world of difference.

I honestly don’t understand grandparents who don’t want to help. They know how hard it is, they’ve been there. So why not help your own kids with their children..
“I’ve done my time, I’m not looking after children again”, “I want to enjoy my life now”.. Your grandchildren aren’t enjoyable?!

Anyway, everyone has their own opinion on it. We don’t have to agree. I personally can’t wait for my DDs to have their own children and I’m looking forward to supporting them as much as I can. I don’t want them to struggle as much as we have ❤️

I’d suggest you are talking about something you know nothing of! You are a mother, not a grandmother, you have no idea what you will want to do at that stage, unless you’ve got a crystal ball.

When my dad was pg not too long ago and I had my first grandchild I couldn’t wait to be part of his childcare, which I am, but, it is absolutely shattering. Some people might find it is not, I found it is. I couldn’t do it more than I do. I have another grandchild on the way who I will also provide limited childcare for, but, I know it will be hard.

i also have. Mother with dementia who I see both weekend days, and I work full time, but condensed hours. It would be easy to judge you in regard your attitude toward your mother, but hey ho!

Why should they help. They raised you. Their job is done. Too many people having children then can’t look after them and want others to help raise them. If you want children then make sure you can look after them

I love my dgc, delighted to babysit and have overnight stays. Happy to help out when required - when DIL had an ankle injury we got up at 5.30 every morning for a month, to drive to their house and do the morning school run. One year when dd was doing a training course, we went once a week to do the school pick up for her dc.

But... I dropped a day of work to do a regular days childcare for 2 little dgc. It was hard. It was simultaneously boring and relentless. When I was a mum with similar aged dc I had other mum friends, we went for coffees or to activities, we chatted and the kids played. As a grandparent in someone else's home there was none of that, and it was lonely. Despite loving my dgc and having weekly time with them, it was the least rewarding or enjoyable part of my grandparenting experience so far.

It also (for that period) changed the relationship between me and my dgc's parents. If I was planning a holiday (well in advance), or had a mandatory work meeting to attend, or if I was unwell or had a medical appointment... those changes would be met with exasperated sighs and an eye roll. I understand, one of them would have to take time off work, but those interactions didn't make me feel very valued at the time.

I'm 13 years on from my first dgc, and my youngest is about to embark on the parenthood journey. Goodness, I feel so much older in those 14 years. I know there is an expectation that I will be 'fair' in offering support and childcare help, but I know I'm less able to chase a lively toddler round a park.

My in-laws lived 9 hours away. When we drove to visit them for Christmas with our 3 month old daughter, who they’d never met. I had to ASK my MIL to hold the baby so we could bring our suitcases.

Because I have just retired after 43 years of working and I have plans to travel etc. I haven’t got time, wouldn’t want to tie myself down, there is government help for childcare, they earn decent money, I managed without help with my own, it’s not my responsibility. That enough for you??

😱Out of interest, why? Assuming they are small enough for child care? If they are older and unpleasant I could understand.

You title already suggests judgement though

I think it’s shift of an attitude (people want to enjoy traveling and other things) plus the need to work longer plus higher expectations - looking after a child is more demanding and complicated nowadays.

I love looking after the gc, not every day but whenever it's needed, it's tiring but they grow up fast and it creates a special relationship. You only reap what you sow, it's no good expecting the gc to visit you when you have not put any effort with them.

My, there's some vitriol on here! It's making me laugh that the majority of posts are all "poor grandparents, everyone hates the elderly"... Whilst failing to notice that perhaps 90% of responses (well, of the first few pages that I read) are busy bashing the OP and totally in favour of GPS doing what ever the * they like. I'm not a fully paid up member, nor do I trawl the boards regularly so I have no idea if OP has actually posted the same before, but it seems this must be the case since more than a few people seem to be putting words into her mouth - I therefore assume these are coming from another thread (or people are just enjoying making stuff up this evening).

Given the questions was "if you can, why would you not?", rather than banging the same old drum about health or working and not able to (both of which are totally irrelevant to the question therefore) I'd say it's generational. Family values have changed. People are more insular and have less interest in others. Bonds are more fickle. Support has been outsourced and commercialised to the point where people are almost shamed for not sending a child to a nursery.

It's interesting that OP has taken a bashing for airing her opinions when she's not a GP (and therefore would not know how she would feel in this position)... and yet a lot of people who would like GPs to be free and doing their own thing are likely not on their death beds and therefore would not know if they would expect the closeness (and indeed volume of visits) to be rekindled in their last moments after years of being effectively absent (after all, if visits keep happening a few times a year, the likelihood of coming together at the time someone passes is slim, no?). On the one hand, the vibe seems to be that nobody owes anyone anything... And yet the suggestions seem to keep coming that not making maximum effort for a parent, regardless of how much effort they themselves have put in, is a bad thing. According to the narrative, OPs mum should be happy since she can do what she wants when she wants - yet if she's not, that's somehow OPs fault (not a result of GPs choices)?

You can’t compare what your grandparents did back in the day. Most women now are holding down demanding jobs and are needing a break once they retire.
we will babysit occasionally when/if we have grandchildren but we won’t be having them here for days in the week except in emergencies.

Some people, including me, only read aibu.
So, they are possibly not being a goody fecker

And? ‘Please can you hold the baby a sec?’ was a massive big deal/offensive for you to have to ask? Your poor MIL.

Pffffffttt! Í shouldn’t HAVE to ask. It’s the first time you met your GRANDCHILD FFS! Shouldn’t you WANT to hold her? Cold hearted b*tch. I did ask, but she was never warm to the children.

So only work should absolve one from helping?
What if they just want to be free to do nothing, is that not allowed?
People may be able to help, but not want to. It's a perfect enough reason.

But sometimes (as a grandparent / MIL) you just can't win. You might equally have said: "the baby was tired I needed to feed / settle him after a long journey, and we needed help to bring the cases in, but MIL only wanted to hold the baby."

While I understand that grandparents have done their bit bringing up their own children i sometimes wish i had had a closer relationship with my grandparents. I only have one left, my Mum's Mum, in her eighties, but she lives far away and until my late twenties I lived far away from all of them. We only saw them a couple if times a year, a visit in Summer and a visit around Christmas. My husband was cared for by his grandparents while his Mum worked amd his Dad was at sea in the Navy and had a really close relationship with them, he doesn't get on with his mother and claims it's cos he was raised by his grandmother. We live far away from our parents now so even if we had kids they couldn't provide regular childcare even if they wanted to which they don't. I think most grandparents are happy to spend time with their grandchildren, but not at the expense of their own hobbies and not in place of the actual parents.

Several posts about generational changes.

But there have been so many changes over the generations.

My grandmother helped looked after me, but she had never worked, her role was always home making and family. My mum worked, and retired at 60 (work pension and state pension) had 5 years waiting for my Dad to reach retirement age and did help during those years. Once Dad retired they were off travelleling living the life they had dreamed of (and deserved) - visiting their siblings in Australia / Canada, and European cities.

Now retirement doesn't kick in till 67. Full time work till that age can be exhausting.

Parenting has also changed over the generations. As a grandparent I've had to learn to follow the lead of my dcs and d/sILs (and they're not always the same) regarding baby led weaning, babies sleeping on their back, limited time in a car seat. I've learned to communicate in the language of 'big emotions' and I've had to adopt strategies for ND dgc. None of which were part of my own journey as a parent.

Basically because I don’t like looking after children. I adored my own and did my best but I don’t feel obligated to other people’s children even if they are related to me.

Because it’s tedious af even if you’re related to the child. Genuinely, it is. And if your mum was late 30s when she had you then she was a bit older when you became a mum and it’s really selfish and inconsiderate for an adult child to expect someone in their late 60s to early 70s to be doing regular childcare. It’s exhausting and unfair. Pay someone to do it or don’t work and do it yourself.

& many women are choosing to have kids later in life so the knock-on effect is that Grandparents are often older too & too knackered/old/ill to be able to provide childcare (even if they wanted to). & many Grandparents haven't retired young and are still working later in their own life and have every right to enjoy their retirement years.