AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

I actually suspect a part of this is that a lot of older women are finally, in 2026, saying..ENOUGH, ME NOW. Years of being centered around men and/or children ..just let us have our time finally.

I don’t think people expect regular childcare and I think there’s been a massive shift. I don’t think grandparents occasionally help even in emergency situations or help during the holidays.

I think this the massive shift that I’ve seen within my circles. Grandparents aren’t present and a lot less than previous generations.

Part of that would be some are still working, tired and can’t be there for their grandkids. It’s shifted the family dynamics

I just laughed out loud at the idea of seeing grandparents every 3 weeks as ours is 3 times a year 🤣🤣

My mum and dad had help, so they help us. I am much more reluctant to ask my mum as she raised 6 kids pretty much herself, but she enjoys having them for fun days out ect. Does the odd overnight but I don’t ask her. My dad loves having them and I think part of that is he feels a bit bad for missing out on our childhoods because he used to drink a lot.

I can understand why people who got no help from their parents may not want to help. My mum and dad had their own lives even when we were little, mum less so but she definitely had a life outside of us. My parents and ILs looking after our kids means we can do the same and it means as long as I physically can I would do it for any future GCs. If people feel they had to put their life on hold to raise their kids then I understand the reluctance.

So do you understand now op?

You've had numerous reasons given so surely you now get it?

Yes, totally relate to being reluctant to ask your Mum. Mine raised 7 kids and I wouldn't dream of asking that poor women to do it all over again (to any extent).

You seem to view your relationship with your parents in a very transactional way op.

You've literally said you're burnt out and don't have the capacity to help your mother at this stage in your life. Is this magically going to change if/when the grandchildren arrive so you can provide childcare for them?

I’m not at the grandparent stage, but my guess is that a lot of parents are a complete pain with so many rules for their children, and grandparents just don’t want the hassle 🤣

I love that she likes having them but sometimes I want to grab her and shake her and say “go and have fun with your mates and party like he did when we were kids!!” 😭

What I think is interesting is, that at 60 (61 this year so oldest Gen X), I have NO recollection of ANY grandparents doing school pick ups or day care when I was a child (I mean ANYone's grandparents-not just my own)..or even when my siblings who go down to being 42 were kids. BUT now there is almost an expectation (sense of entitlement) that grandparents do this.
It's a very interesting phenomenon.

Obviously, I do realise that there have been societal changes over those 60 years which mean the landscape is very different and both parents generally need to work in many cases BUT over more recent years there seems to have built an expectation which was never actually discussed with those of us in the "grandparent zone".

Also 1st year Gen X and this rings so true. The most we saw of our Nanna was every other Sunday when we went for tea.....that woman could make a mean trifle.

i don't expect ether of my kids to have children, but if they did i'd expect the same arrangement i had/have with my own mother. You ask first, and no means no.

Not once did i ever expect my parents to babysit, they were asked if they would, every time.

Mine see them more but one shows zero interest in them and the other does but is definitely not hand on.

This rings v true. It was usually other people's parents. We were juggled between us.

Anyone remember the babysitting pool? I wonder if that is even a thing now - a group of parents (usually mums!) who earnt time, not money, for looking after other kids.

So your mum could 'earn' 3 hours watching Brenda's kids, then Brenda would watch Joan's kids to earn the three hours back. If your mum ran out of hours, she couldn't have a night out until she'd sat for Sue's kids. Everyone liked Brenda best, so she was usually up hours. It was a sad day if you were expecting Brenda, but she'd decided to cash in her hours for a big night out at Bingo and Scary Sue turned up instead.

You are so far off the mark with that though. Most parents are looking for the smallest bit of assistance. In my case, as a full time single parent, I'd be happy with one hour a week from my parents, but they dont offer, so I dont ask. My 60 year old parents, who applied huge pressure on me to have children 13 years ago, when I was unsure.

A little help goes a very long way. But even the smallest amount of interaction with a child scares most of you off, probably because you let the television raise my generation, and you can't actually hack engaging with children. Your loss though, because children are wonderful, and you are all so boring.

Why would you be expected to care for her? You aren't her daughter and if she had helped you when you needed it when your mum was dying, you would feel much more inclined to help her. It's not tit for tat, it's her reaping what she has sown.

If she needs help, surely your DH, her son, should be the one to provide it.

Not at all. I was limiting my kids’ screen time to an hour a day in the 80s before it was a thing.

I can hack engaging with children - I raised five of them without any grandparent input at all, fostered one, and was a teacher for 15 years before I retired. I choose not to do child care now except in major emergency. I have a happy, funny, joyful relationship with the grandchildren by being the fun granny. You may find me boring, but they don’t.

You sound rather sour. If children are so wonderful, why are so many people all whingeing about having to care for their own children?

I would help out, but I would not tie myself into any kind of formal childcare.

Most of us have worked hard all of our lives and brought up our children the best we can, without any free time for ourselves and are interests. That is the time of life when you deserve it to do as much as you can before you become too frail to do it. I think children who expect their parents to be their formal child carers without any other plan I just selfish and entitled.

I don't think they are whinging, and I'm not sour at all. It's pretty weird that you don't want to help your children unless it's a "major emergency", but that's just me..Good to hear you are having fun with your grandchildren.

All 3. In my case I did not ask my DM to help out because she has chronic illnesses and had to retire at 40, also because she is very judgy and opinionated. I did not appreciate having her inspect my pantry and fridge when she came to visit, for example, and complaining about the contents, nor complaining that I read/video game and she didn't raise me that way. Also my DS and DD are now 33 and 30, and DM still gripes about their eating habits in front of them.

Besides, I don't think it's fair to ask people to give up their time that they could invest toward their retirement or whatever they see fit to do

When my DC’s were younger my parents were both still working full time so childcare wasn’t an option though they loved coming to visit as much as they could. My in-laws were both retired but they didn’t want to help with childcare which is fine as it’s their choice. Sadly they weren’t very interested in building a relationship with their grandchildren either and prioritised enjoying the independence in their retirement instead.

Now my parents are retired they love taking their grandchildren, who are now mostly teenagers, out for treats and look after my DN, who is younger, once a week. I don’t think they would want to be committed to childcare everyday though as they enjoy having time for hobbies now too. They have a great relationship with all of their grandchildren but my DC’s have a very limited relationship with my in-laws sadly.

At the end of the day everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong but I do wish that my DC’s had a better relationship with my in-laws.

Don't get me wrong, I very much have the inclination and do what I can, but it is a lot more exhausting than I thought. My DC also has a list of rules regarding what can/cannot be eaten so I need advance warning they are coming. I cannot imagine providing regular care in my late sixties or seventies.

Most parents are looking for the smallest bit of assistance

They're really, really not- unless you count a day a week of childcare (per adult child) as "the smallest bit". My lovely neighbour was in tears last year as she found put her daughter's expecting again- she's already provided childcare for 4 grandchildren over the last 10 years and now is expected to saddle up for another 4 year stint (because otherwise it wouldn't be "fair").

My DSS and his wife have already asked me to cover a thursday. They have the toddler in nursery monday, wed and friday to midday at this stage.
I told them they are eligible for child care hours and they said "great, we will see if we can get the baby in on a tuesday". So they get the tuesday "off" but I end up covering the thursday?? nope