AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

I feel so sorry for this neighbour. My own neighbours have at least one of their grandchildren there EVERY SINGLE DAY and they even have to escape abroad for 90 days each year for a bit of time to themselves.

My Mum and Dad were still working when I had my first child so I wouldn't have expected them to want to do childcare or be available at the drop of a hat. Even though they are retired now - my Mum retired over 10 years ago and my Dad in recent years - I'd want them to have the time to do things for themselves or have holidays etc. They do help out if enough notice is given or we are struggling for whatever reason, for example my brother works shifts and if there is nobody available for school pickup they will do so if asked in advance and they are an emergency contact if any of the grandkids got sent home from school poorly and parents were unavailable or couldn't be reached.

"I'm not sour at all"

You've written like an obnoxious teenager in every post you've made on this thread.

I'm in my 40s and my kids absolutely wear me out. My parents help me with adhoc babysitting for which I'm really grateful. I have never asked and would never ask them to look after my kids on a regular scheduled basis. They had three kids of their own so have multiple grandkids and have already sacrificed enough of their time and energy on our family. People who expect their parents to do childcare are ungrateful cheeky fuckers in my opinion. Why can't we let older people enjoy the autumn of their years instead of subjecting them to more servitude. Also like to add that this quite often falls on the female grandparent, not always, my dad actually does more in our family as my mum is disabled.

I'm in my 40s and my kids absolutely wear me out. My parents help me with adhoc babysitting for which I'm really grateful. I have never asked and would never ask them to look after my kids on a regular scheduled basis. They had three kids of their own so have multiple grandkids and have already sacrificed enough of their time and energy on our family. People who expect their parents to do childcare are ungrateful cheeky fuckers in my opinion. Why can't we let older people enjoy the autumn of their years instead of subjecting them to more servitude. Also like to add that this quite often falls on the female grandparent, not always, my dad actually does more in our family as my mum is disabled.

im in my late 50s and still working. My partner still has teenaged kids. My kids - I have 3 - are hours apart all within the U.K.

which one should I help?

There is that to, the lists of dos and donts - I don’t remember my grandparents having any lists , be it food or activities etc

But it absolutely sounds like you do begrudge her.

Have no idea. I was practically raised by my grandparents. My parents do not help often. They have never really helped not even 5% of what their own parents did with my brother and I. Don’t really understand i had the best friendship with my gran growing up and still do with my Papa. My daughter has a brilliant relationship with her great Papa❤️ grandparents not so much.

Is this a piss take? I could swear I've seen this post about 4 billion times this week. I'm teetotal so I know it's not a hallucination... is it???

Had my own kids very young and became a grandmother at a young age. I’m still working full time and made it very clear that I wouldn’t be hands on, my youngest was still in school and now she’s an adult it’s the first time in my adult life I’ve not got childcare responsibilities and I’m making the most of it. Call me selfish but it’s my time now and I intend to make the most of it.

I‘m also thinking that people have more freedom
from societal expectations. They can be more themselves. Those that really want to be dedicated grandparents can if health and finance and time permits and those who do not want to don’t.

Just like more people feel freer to choose not to have children at all.

I’m not a grandparent but a mum to 2 young children and whilst I’ve asked similar questions in relation to my MIL who seems to have zero interest in seeing our children (while doting on them over fb and making much more effort with SIL children) I do think you’ve maybe answered your own question

Your dad wasn’t around when you were children so is making up for lost time

Your mum on the flip side sounds like she had to take on all the responsibility, mental and physical load of raising children and now wants to take the opportunity to take back some time to herself

whilst I appreciate it might be hard, I think I’d try really hard to appreciate how much she’s already dedicated to raising you (her own children) and sounds like your dad is just doing his share in later life!

I became a granny at age 61 & agreed to have my grandson 3 days a week when his mothers maternity leave ended. I was looking forward to having a close relationship with him. 2 months before that time I became seriously ill, had 3 emergency ops & a very long recuperation. I wasn't able to help straight away but have since started looking after him. I'm nowhere near as fit as I was pre illness & really struggle, however I carry on because he adores the time we spend together. I turn 65 soon & my 2nd grandchild is due just after. I really want the same close relationship with this one but am not sure I'm up to it any more. I totally understand grannys who don't want to as I have spent my whole life caring for my children, then my in laws, then my mother & now my granchild without ever having time for me.

Why is this subject such a big deal on here. If a person doesn’t want to help with grandkids why is it so hard to think that older people are tired kids are hard work and some kids are horrible some are lovely but hey it is a choice they should be allowed to have without being judge by the adults who expect them to help. Some people get trapped doing more than they were meant to and it’s hard work why is it so hard to understand that. You have kids your responsibility. They looked after you it’s not a job for life.

Surely in a lot of cases it’s distance related isn’t it? Do many people stay in the area they grew up in or deliberately choose to live where their parents live? We live more than 300 miles from my parents and 100 miles from my in laws. We have never expected or received any sort of childcare, and nor have they offered. It was the same for me growing up, my grandparents on one side were about 350 miles away and on the other side, they lived in a different country. We saw each about once a year or less.

I think as you get older, what isn’t fully explored is that your wherewithal starts to decline. The following is just what I have seen and whike not all grandparents it is certainly worth noting. Personally I see exhausted grandparents dazed and looking bewildered while lively grandchildren are running around a busy car park. They enter child friendly venues and need to sit down.

my parents help; but clearly stipulate 1 half day a week. They have bought up their own children and now want to go out in the daytime (night time driving can be tricky), they meet friends, walk, pub lunches and National Trust etc. why would I deny them that?
our lives are not about others running round after us, should they want to fabulous, but quality over quantity.

It’s definitely a generational issue, my grandparents were a huge part of my life, school holidays, Christmas, Easter etc….. however although my Dad would see me and my oldest Daughter once a week, there was never any mention of babysitting, sadly he died of cancer while I was pregnant with my second daughter. My mum had no relationship with me or my children (I think she only saw them three times before she died)

My in laws are retired, but are vey distant from our children, DH used to spend school holidays with grandparents and see them every weekend, and they were keen to help with childcare (despite working) as they valued their grandchildren.

Despite DH and I working full time since our children were born, there is just no desire to see them or offer to help? PILs are divorced and MIL states frequently that she often is bored… but won’t visit us because her car isn’t clean air zone compliant, and the shortest route is through a clean air zone.

Many of my friends have the same experience as us…. and we suggest that perhaps it’s a selfish generational issue.

FIL visits occasionally for dinner, but isn’t forthcoming to take the girls in the school holidays for a day either.

We probably see them just four times a year.

Perhaps it’s Thatcherism ‘there is no such thing as society’ because they just don’t seem to want to offer the support that they had, and seem less family focused.

The problem is that our girls haven’t got a bond with them… not like my DH and I had with our grandparents and that’s quite sad.

But they are your children, and given that many grandmothers (because it’s always the women who get lumbered) are still working or have just retired and may want the chance to have a life of their own.

Plus do you want them involved when their own attempts at child rearing have resulted in demanding and entitled adult children?

My kids are older teenagers now and the need for childcare has passed. I do think my mother was selfish in her reasons - she wanted to focus on only herself. I am also selfish that I wont give up my job to care for her, I will be focusing on my own children and paying for my retirement. But I still enjoy her company, I help when I can and I take her out as I’m able to.

I have grand children. And frankly don't like them much

I managed without her help just fine but it was hard. I hope I’m able to be the village if / when my kids have kids.

I’m just not that fond of small children. Obviously I love my own and did like a select few others but in general… no thanks.
I was never going to give up work and look after children after a teenage pregnancy (thankfully didn’t happen).
Two of my three don’t want children - I don’t know about the youngest, but if they did have any I would love them to bits and be very happy to support them financially (I can afford school fees etc). I’d step up in emergencies but would not be doing regular daily care.
My grandparents were the same; we saw them every couple of weeks but they never ever were involved in childcare, and my own parents lived too far away.

Many reasons

Logistics
Work
Health
Travel
Want to pursue hobbies and interests
Don’t want to be tied down

Tired of years of caregiving

I don’t agree it should be expected and often seen it be to the detriment of the GP (too much for them, but they won’t admit it) - however other GP have a lot of capacity and the logistics to take it on and really want to - then it works well (assuming everyone on the same page).

Not that difficult to get your head around, surely?

Comes down to personal choice and circumstances.

Same here oldfool had to just get on with it. Zero help. Would babysit but dont think I would want full T care of kids. Very tiring