Son and his money!

[Happyhorse222]

Good Morning,

Need some advice on what others would do with the following:

DS- 21 in a trade earning £480 a week paid weekly- sometimes more if he works a Saturday. We told him to pick a bill to pay so he covers the wifi and water bill.

Me/ dad cook for the entire family in the evenings (we really enjoy it as a couple), so whilst he knows how to cook and helps us occasionally I still do all the family meals so he only has to buy extra snacks for himself that he wants outside of my normal food shop.

He is up at 6am finishes at around 11am- does come home and clean/tidy up, does his washing etc but that's by the by he should be doing that at 21 anyway.

Unfortunately after a year of work he has only saved £750. Told us he is spending on food at work- taking gf out etc.

He wants to buy a house and absolutely can by late 20's if he saved. But he isn't. He is regularly out of money before the next Friday. He keeps saying he wants to but just doesn't!

Husband is saying he will be telling him from Friday he is to pay us £200 rent a week, which leaves him £280 per week for his own spending.

This money we would be taking in rent will be going into our savings account to save pretty much on his behalf and give back to him.

I haven't been in this situation before and would obviously like to help him save but I also don't want to baby him. My other kid has saved birthday/ Christmas money religiously and has a frigging budget sheet per month with her job and I gave them both the same upbringing so it's driving me insane he keeps saying he wants to do it and then not doing it, but I am also blue in the face from the MULTIPLE conversations/ suggestions we have made and had for him to save.

He has 0 to pay for so is this a reasonable way of doing something he will thank us later for or are we just teaching him we will sort out any problems he has and never have to do it himself. Will be taking the bills he pays back into our finances should we charge the rent instead.

Aghhhh parenting!

I would do that!
DS pays me £350 a month and saves £650, on the basis that when he buys a house - he will be forking out a lot more than £350
Managed to save £30k so far and still have a social life

I know lots of my friends parents had similar arrangements. With my parents I could stay at home as long as i was saving £500 a month into a fixed access account- they never checked, but I had less reliable friends and their parents took the money from them.

I think it has 2 advantages- obviously it gives the money to move out; but also it means you aren’t having a really lovely quality of life living with your parents tha you are frightened of losing when you move out.

I'm going to do it then. I don't want to act like I'm taking his money but he literally has 0 to pay for and just spends like water. He will no doubt have a tantrum but like husband said he can either pay £200 a week and still have plenty for a social life or find a flat and be back within two months when he gets kicked out for not paying anything then we ask him if his lesson has been learned and start taking his money to save from then 😂

Do it - I would have (eventually!) been grateful if my parents had done something to force me to save when I lived at home. They talked about it enough but I wasn’t switched on enough to actually get on and do it. (Totally my responsibility- not saying they are at fault at all!)

If you don’t need the money, I would take it from him and put it into a savings account a/c for him

That's a really decent wage

Warning! My son in his 30's has nothing, despite well paying jobs after uni.
He spends all he's ever had and now is having to go bankrupt..... he owes rent council tax, fuel company, debts from everywhere. I tried to help him from the off, asking for rent etc. He knew best and now here we are.... he doesn't want me to bail him out but I don't want him homeless!!
So i think taking any money from your son you can is a great idea.

I'm not sure the "paying rent which you save to give back to him" is really teaching discipline. Money management and financial sense can't be forced on a person in my experience. It would be different if your DS had asked you for support in helping him to save...

We had a similar situation a few years ago. A sit down talk with some financial projections opened his eyes more. He didn’t realise a 30k deposit was all he needed to get a flat. Then, we included in the calculations an offer to match his savings for every 500 a month he put away until he had 10k. If it was 499 he put in savings, no matching.

Once he got to 10k, he’d got the savings bug. We knew this would happen.

Your son is probably thinking ‘I’ll just enjoy my life now. One month won’t matter’

Frankly, 2k + a month take home and ZERO fixed outgoings: he has no idea he is so flush compared to the general population. He is building up poor habits. You are enabling and subsidising his lifestyle. Stop it. He’s not a prince.

Young men do also need to be told not to spend all their money on silly, low-aspiration girlfriends who will no doubt move on to the next person who can fund their false eyelash and duck lips habits.

Oh I just read the bit about his sister.

Warning: rightly, she will become highly resentful when she’s moved out, working hard and supporting herself while you continue to allow a 30 year old son to live the life of Riley.

£200 a week is ridiculous. I agree with charging him a fair amount but not almost half his wage. That’s far too much. I think you have to make it known to him that you are saving for him because he isn’t doing it himself though.

But he still has £280 a week with no outgoings?

It's a little unfair on your daughter if you collect rent, and then hand over the savings to him, unless she also lives at home.

U have one adult child at home. She pays rent, and we have earmarked the money to help all of the children - as she is getting a very good deal anyway (TBF, we get a fantastic deal as she's a great cook and housekeeper!).

You'll be fighting an uphill battle if he's a spender. The other issue is that if he moves out, eg to live with a GF, she's also going to have to watch that she doesn't get stuck paying all the bills while he spends like water on his own indulgences.

The other things he/you need to be aware of is his employment status. In trades it often looks like a normal job but he might be paid via the construction industry scheme (CIS) or even 'self employed' and either way he will be responsible for his own tax return, possibly paying tax (although if he's CIS at his current level he may actually be paying too much tax, that he could be reclaiming via a tax return).

He may also have no pension and no holiday and sick pay entitlement. So you should probably talk to him about this and make sure he understands the consequences of getting this wrong - obviously he really should have a pension and he should have money put by in case he can't work or wants to take time off that won't be paid.

But £480 pw is good given he's only out of the house 5 hours a day. Why such short hours?

I have one daughter 23, working since she left uni and who is a saver and is doing as well as can be saving. We don’t ask her for any rent just her share certain bills and if you she wants specific food. She is doing well and hopefully in the next 2 years will have enough to move out.

My second daughter isn’t a saver, she is only 16 but even though we’ve asked her how the saving going for driving lessons etc it’s met with a huh. So we’ve started a separate savings and reduce what we give her around allowance etc

She may change growing up but so far she is just a bad spender and not a saver!

If the money is set aside for a house deposit "help him manage" a LISA as the government will add to his deposit money (subject to it being used to buy a property within certain limits). Beyond the £4000 each year limit he could save into an ISA.

Tell him he can save into it x amount himself (and show you each month) or if he isn't e will be paying you the same amount to you in rent.

https://www.gov.uk/lifetime-isa

I would be a little uneasy keeping his money yourself due to the complications that could come about in the event of your death, illness, disability - inheritance split/ need to claim benefits/do anything means tested. Just insist on keeping a firm eye on his own account.

My friend at university grumbled that her boyfriends parents insisted he save x amount each month and she wanted to go out loads/go on holiday etc (which they still did to a lesser extent). He wasn't at university but worked full time. When they wanted to buy a property they were able to buy a 3 bed semi with a conservatory etc because he had 20k. She had nothing. This was around 2005.

If he grumbles ask him why he thinks you are doing this. Answer because you love him and want him to be able to afford his own home when he is ready. He has had time to start saving under his own steam and hasn't.

Do it. When I was 21 and working but living with my family, I wanted to get into the habit of putting away what I'd otherwise have spent on rent and bills. Meant I could go travelling for a fortnight in the summer and gave me the deposit for my first rented flat with my boyfriend. I think the £200 is a sensible approach for sure.

Also, if he's up at 6am and finishes work at 11am he could easily have a second job to save even more!

Not a good idea in my opinion OP. It’s his money. You can’t live his life for him. You’d be teaching him nothing about budgeting, financial control, savings etc. Looking forward, he’d buy his flat then have no idea about all of the above and will end up in dire straits. You made a financial arrangement with him that you were happy with, you can’t just suddenly take £200 a week off him just because you don’t agree with his spending 🙄

Instead, sit him down as a pp has said, talk and teach him about budgeting, forecast projections for housing etc.

He works in highway maintenance. I think they are pretty standard hours for them all as he starts early as possible and finishes as soon as their daily price meterage is covered and his boss is an animal 😂My son also now looks like a baby Arnie with the amount of physical work out he's getting so he's happy with that 😂He is self employed, we have just done his tax return with our accountant so all covered and no he doesn't get holiday or sick pay which is why we are so on it about getting him to save.

If he’s just getting up at 6am… then home by 11am I’d say it’s a bloody good wage!!! Less than 4 hours a day… 20hrs a week.. over £22 an hour..,can he get me a job where he works?

We have done that about 30 times.

I don't have £280 a month left for just spending after everything else is paid, much less £280 a week!
I would be charging him rent but not telling him it was saving on his behalf. You'd also need to do the same for your daughter though. Not fair the flaky child benefits more than the disciplined one!
Or he has to open an ISA or similar and show his weekly standing order into it.

I hope you cover the water and internet bill if charge him rent? Be pushing half his wage otherwise.
And I totally agree with charging rent and how lovely of you guys to put it away for him. Top banana!

So, exactly what the OP said then?

Just for the comments about his older sister- she lived completely rent free and now lives with her soon to be husband as she saved and wanted to move in with him. She's just done it her way and moved out sooner, we also helped her with their deposit and new furniture, so she's not affected in any way.