Son and his money!

[Happyhorse222]

Good Morning,

Need some advice on what others would do with the following:

DS- 21 in a trade earning £480 a week paid weekly- sometimes more if he works a Saturday. We told him to pick a bill to pay so he covers the wifi and water bill.

Me/ dad cook for the entire family in the evenings (we really enjoy it as a couple), so whilst he knows how to cook and helps us occasionally I still do all the family meals so he only has to buy extra snacks for himself that he wants outside of my normal food shop.

He is up at 6am finishes at around 11am- does come home and clean/tidy up, does his washing etc but that's by the by he should be doing that at 21 anyway.

Unfortunately after a year of work he has only saved £750. Told us he is spending on food at work- taking gf out etc.

He wants to buy a house and absolutely can by late 20's if he saved. But he isn't. He is regularly out of money before the next Friday. He keeps saying he wants to but just doesn't!

Husband is saying he will be telling him from Friday he is to pay us £200 rent a week, which leaves him £280 per week for his own spending.

This money we would be taking in rent will be going into our savings account to save pretty much on his behalf and give back to him.

I haven't been in this situation before and would obviously like to help him save but I also don't want to baby him. My other kid has saved birthday/ Christmas money religiously and has a frigging budget sheet per month with her job and I gave them both the same upbringing so it's driving me insane he keeps saying he wants to do it and then not doing it, but I am also blue in the face from the MULTIPLE conversations/ suggestions we have made and had for him to save.

He has 0 to pay for so is this a reasonable way of doing something he will thank us later for or are we just teaching him we will sort out any problems he has and never have to do it himself. Will be taking the bills he pays back into our finances should we charge the rent instead.

Aghhhh parenting!

I think the thing is, where do you draw the line.
Most people I know still living at home are doing so because it allows them to save to buy.
Not because it means they have 0 responsibilities and can p!ss their money up the wall on takeaways and nights out.
If this carries on and he reaches late twenties still no savings, not fair on OP for subbing him all that time and 0 help to him, and when & how do they say enough is enough?
Should he need to be hand held through this? No. Is it in everyone's best interests that he is? Yes.
But with fair explanation as to why. He doesn't like it, he moves out 🤷‍♀️

Whatever arrangement you come to be careful. He is a grown adult with no learning difficulties we have been told about. Managing someone else’s money will have all sorts of laws attached to it. Son or not.
And was he shocked by his lack of saving ? If not then he is hiding something from you.

I think definitely take the money and put in savings.

However, I would split it and put £50 ( roughly 10%) intto a SIPP , the sooner he starts a pension the better, and the other £150 into savings, probably a Lisa and then he’ll get the government bonus, he can contribute £4000 per year and the bonus would automatically bring it to £5000. Then a normal isa.

Would he be better with a s&s isa rather than cash, if he’s probably got 10 years before he buys?

I have 3 young men at home 18 -23 each with different savings habits and I too am trying to get all of them into the habit of saving regularly, easier with some than others. The most reluctant has recently become more engaged with the s&s isa, ‘investing’ is quite cool at the moment , just make sure it’s in ETF’s etc not individual stocks. He chose a couple with Hargreaves lands down, global funds etc.

Also, if you can get him to save 50/ week himself for holidays, gigs, festivals etc. easier for them if they have a lot to dip into for these things

good luck!
He’ll thank you one day. X

If it will be in his name and he wants to save to buy a house, get him to set up a LISA - for every £4000 a year saved the government add £1000, plus you get interest.

The money can only be withdrawn without penalty for a house deposit or at retirement, so he won't be able to dip into easily without losing at least some of what he has saved.

If you don't trust him to pay into it himself, you can take the money from him as rent and pay it in for him.

Any other account in his name, he will be able to access any time he likes (unless it is a fixed term saver)

Charge him some rent to pay his costs. Unless he's dining on fillet steaks and lobster £200 per week is nuts.

He's old enough to live and die by his own financial choices, you shouldn't trick him into some weird secret savings scheme with a ridiculously high housekeeping money. But all you can do is talk to him about how important saving for a property and pensions are. Especially pensions, you'd be amazed what an extra 10 years of compounded growth will do for your retirement.

But to be honest, he's so young. He's unlikely to ever have this much fun money again so don't be too hard on him for enjoying it for a while.

As he wants to save for a house deposit I would put the first £4000 each year into a LISA in his name. Then the rest can go in a cash ISA.

Definitely do it. As someone who lived at home after uni, I wish my parents had done this too. He will thank you in the long run. Plus 280 a week for him to have to spend is loads.

Also, to say I gave oldest a choice, pay me £650 pcm in rent or save £1000 per month, I would probably have saved the £650 for him but didn’t tell him that. He chose to save the £1000 😂

It looks like minimum wage for full time hours.

He’s 21
charge him board each month wiping his arse and budget for him will do him absolutely no favours
so what if he’s no money thats down to him he’s an adult

That's literally what she said she's doing 😂

Agreed. That’s far too much.

My son is 18 & doing an apprenticeship & we take £200pcm off him for rent. I think it's about the lesson more than anything else. We are unbeknown to him putting that money into a separate account with the view to giving this to him when he moves out. None of his friends pay rent which I find shocking but we all parent differently.

I think you should save for him if he can’t do so himself, he may not thank you now but perhaps will down the line.i know you said you’re in London so life is expensive, but the one red flag jumped out to me is - are you concerned that he is spending his money quickly due to recreational drugs (cocaine specifically?) just food for thought as it’s extremely common unfortunately.

It's close to what he would be paying in rent and council tax alone if he had a flat of his own and he'd have to pay all his other bills and eat. I think it's a very fair arrangement and to his eventual benefit.

I told my DS £100 per week in board, IF he saved - else is was the going rate in board, so £76 in LISA, £24 in pension (also strongly encourage income protection insurance which he took out) He claims plenty back when he does his self assessment, he’s CIS too.

Reduced board if he maxed LISA was a far compromise, b’cos just as ppl are saying, I don’t mind subbing him, to better his self and his future, but not to piss it up the wall.

Not if he is effectively still living off his parents as a 21 year-old. My instinct would be to say this will be the arrangement or he will need to move out and find a room in a shared house, because that's all he'd be able to afford for £800 a month in London where the OP lives. He's an adult and needs to grow up and act like one.

He’s only 21 & it’s possibly the first time he has felt flush with cash, enjoying taking his gf out etc. House purchases and pensions seem a long way off for him.

I would help him out to a cut off point. Charge him x amount in board with a big chunk of it set aside for savings. Either do this until he hits a certain age or certain amount eg until he is 24 or you’ve saved £10k. Once he has settled down a bit you can explain to him the money has been put aside for his house deposit, he can either begin managing his own savings or you can continue doing it until he moves out. If it’s financially viable for you I might include an offer to top it up to a certain amount if he matches that with his own savings. Once he sees the savings rack up he’ll get the bug. In a couple of years the thought of getting his own place with his GF will be a lot more appealing.

Yes he needs to learn to manage his money independently but a lot of us make a hash of it at first, especially going from earning £50 a week in our Saturday jobs to earning our first FT wage.

£200 a week sounds a lot but if his GF if sometimes staying over too I think that’s fair.

My parents did it that way with my brother but then when he came to buy the house they had to do some legal letters to say it was a gift as it had been saved in parents name. When it was my turn it went into a help to buy isa in my name but my parents could log in and check not sure they ever did though

I think you are doing the right thing. He's as you say, living the life of Reilly and has nothing to show for it. No long term savings, no pension, no short term savings to cover holidays or sick pay if he injures himself in a manual job and what's his long term plan there ? Does he need to do additional training to progress to more skilled work or does he see himself doing what he's doing now when he's 50. What if he wants to change jobs and needs his own car to get there?

It's a lot of spare cash as a 20 year old with no commitments but £2k a month in London won't get him far if he is married with a child.

Personally I think leaving him with £280 a week is still too much.

He still won't have a pension plan, any insurance or short term savings. He has enough time in his day to get a second job to spend on takeaways and crap, or indeed train for something else too.

I'd set up two pots - £200 into long term ISA or similar and £80 a week into short term savings. £200 covers a multitude and is still significantly more I suspect than you and your husband have personally to just spend on yourselves weekly?

If the money is gone on payday, he'll learn to budget better and adjust or pick up an additional part time job. He'd have just under £1000 in 12 weeks to spend on a holiday and £10k saved in 12 months [with a month of holidays] towards his future.

Again, you can’t dictate what he does with his own money. You can’t just take charge, open a bank account for him. You can’t financially control him. As frustrating as his spending habits may be to you, it is his money. The fact you’ve discussed this with him many times and he’s not learned anything, shows just how bad with money he is, so like I said earlier, you’re not teaching him anything by taking his money and doing something with it yourself. When he eventually buys his house with the money you’ve saved for him, how is he going to afford it once moving in? How’s he going to know how to budget? You do know he will have to set the account up, not you? Then he will have to manage it, not you? I get your frustration, I really do, but micro managing him is not the way forward.

All this micromanaging a grown man. OP can decide whether she is happy for him to live ion her home still, and whether to charge him some housekeep, but she can't enforce a load of financial planning on him by stealth or coercion.

I completely disagree with you. Mom has said she will take the money & save it for him. If she doesn’t she will end up with a 40yr old still living at home. Most on here are women answering we have an innate need to have our own home, most men aren’t really that bothered, she needs to kick him up the arse he needs to know what the real world bills are going to be like. She is doing him no favours. Look at all the cocklodgers that are outed on MN, exactly this problem they don’t see home as that important that’s why men find it easy to walk away from their home they find losing the money the problem.

This is brilliant advice. 👏

Fuck me.
I’m running a home and supporting myself and son on not much more than that.