Son and his money!

[Happyhorse222]

Good Morning,

Need some advice on what others would do with the following:

DS- 21 in a trade earning £480 a week paid weekly- sometimes more if he works a Saturday. We told him to pick a bill to pay so he covers the wifi and water bill.

Me/ dad cook for the entire family in the evenings (we really enjoy it as a couple), so whilst he knows how to cook and helps us occasionally I still do all the family meals so he only has to buy extra snacks for himself that he wants outside of my normal food shop.

He is up at 6am finishes at around 11am- does come home and clean/tidy up, does his washing etc but that's by the by he should be doing that at 21 anyway.

Unfortunately after a year of work he has only saved £750. Told us he is spending on food at work- taking gf out etc.

He wants to buy a house and absolutely can by late 20's if he saved. But he isn't. He is regularly out of money before the next Friday. He keeps saying he wants to but just doesn't!

Husband is saying he will be telling him from Friday he is to pay us £200 rent a week, which leaves him £280 per week for his own spending.

This money we would be taking in rent will be going into our savings account to save pretty much on his behalf and give back to him.

I haven't been in this situation before and would obviously like to help him save but I also don't want to baby him. My other kid has saved birthday/ Christmas money religiously and has a frigging budget sheet per month with her job and I gave them both the same upbringing so it's driving me insane he keeps saying he wants to do it and then not doing it, but I am also blue in the face from the MULTIPLE conversations/ suggestions we have made and had for him to save.

He has 0 to pay for so is this a reasonable way of doing something he will thank us later for or are we just teaching him we will sort out any problems he has and never have to do it himself. Will be taking the bills he pays back into our finances should we charge the rent instead.

Aghhhh parenting!

If your intention is to give it to him at a later date it would be better for him to set up a savings account that cannot be withdrawn from for a fixed term

Also - my son could easily spend that on nights out and rounds for his mates, tickets for gigs and festivals, Ubers rather than buses, and Domino pizza rather than a tesco meal deal for lunch. It is not automatically, he has a drug or gambling problem. Though you obvs need to delve.

Rather than taking the money, sit down with him, set up an isa savings account and get him to direct debit the money in.

I haven't read the full thread but have you considered doing the 1/3 version. One third for bills/rent etc, one third banked on payday in an account that cannot be accessed without penalties and one third for him to spend.

With his wage of £480 per week that would work out so easy at £160.00

If he did this for a full year he would have over £8000 banked which would hopefully give him the savings bug

I’m in exactly thre same position! My son has successfully completed an apprenticeship and for the past two years has earnt nearly £2500 every month. I’ve never charged rent as I didn’t need to and just told him to save his money. TBF he’s paid off a £15k car and does pay for his insurance, tax etc. but he only has £8k in savings. This seems ridiculous when he has more disposable income than me. I’ve told him he needs to save at least £1000 a month or I’ll start charging rent (and save it for him).

like your son, he really wants to buy a flat but doesn’t seem to connect that he need to take advantage of not paying rent etc to save now - and get used to living on less.

I’ve no idea what he’s spending this much money on but wish I’d taken the rent/ saved it for him years ago as it’s now a really tricky conversation.

I share your pain!

I’ve read your thread and here’s my take:

He’s not saving off his own bat, so absolutely reasonable to charge him the cost of renting a room (even a bit extra for bills) and save it for him. You are happy to subsidise his saving, not his takeaway habit, nor his unemployed friend. If he doesn’t like it, he can rent a room on the open market.

Don’t save it in an account in his name, that could get complicated in terms of legal access. He’s an adult, people can’t just open bank accounts in other people’s names. But do tell him you are saving the money for a deposit.

I’d also make him staying at home contingent on doing the Rebel Finance School course which starts in June. It’s totally free, and will actually educate him.

Can he work more hours? If you say he's up at 6am and finishes 11am?

He doesn't need to work more hours. He earns 2k a month. He has plenty to live and also save whilst he is at home with us with all bills and food paid for.

And what will you actually do if he doesn’t pay you? I doubt you’d kick him out. You need to work out what all your out goings are and divide it by 4, so son and daughter both pay their way! My son pays a third of everything!

My daughter already has her own property. I have him and another younger one at home.

It's not abusive, it's an expression of loving care for a young man who doesn't seem to want to grow up and take responsibility for his own life, let alone a shared life with a future partner. I now know OP and her family live in London, so my previous comment is outdated. Two years ago our 24 year-old eldest grandson was quoted £800 a month for a single room in a shared house with 7 other occupants on the outskirts of London and he works from home. Our middle grandson is renting a tiny flat in Croydon with his girlfriend (both on salaries not very much higher than OP's son) and the rent alone is £1500 a month. You really don't have a clue what housing costs are like for young people.

But you CAN say to a 21 year-old adult you need to pay your way at home or move out and do so in your own accommodation. I don't get all these "oh, but he's young" excuses people keep making for him. My husband was 21 when we married and I was just 22. It was hard, but we managed and learned such a lot about each other.

I have read your posts, I just don't agree with them. Whether your talks have worked or not, it is not for you to impose financial planning on your son. He his an adult and is responsible for his own decisions.

If he is aware of it, and consenting, why are you the middle (wo)man? If he knows his rent is going into an account in his name, why doesn't he just pay it into that? What is to stop him taking it all out when he wants? If the account is in his name, you'll have no say.

Definitely do it; but tell him that's what you're doing and that he'll get it back.

He has a lot of disposable income to fritter each week. Are you telling him you are saving the rent he gives you? I would not tell him this money is being saved for his future. He needs to wise up, realise he's got a good deal and to save out of his remaining income for his future plans/flat whatever.

£280 a week is plenty! Especially with very low outgoings! He will thank you in the long run.

I take £1000 plus £60 a week rent from my DS21. It all goes into a bank for him as he is saving for a house deposit. He gives it willingly as he wants his own place. He has saved £7500 in 6 months.

I would admit that this only works because he wants to save but it shows what can be achieved.

If you have read them you would know he keeps saying he will do that then impulse spends. I'm sorry, but I won't be conversing any longer. There are multiple logical solutions and advice on here to prevent my son living in a dream world where he can fritter through 2k a month with no consequences. Thank you.

I don't think you can take almost half of his money away from him. No one pays over £800 per month rent. All you will do is drive him away if you demand over £800 a month from him. Maybe £50 per week rent and ask him to save £50 per week himself. Help him set up a direct debit into a LISA then government top it up. In the end he has to learn to stand on his own two feet.

If was renting a room from someone in my area in a shared house he would be paying £945? If he wanted to rent a studio or one bedroom flat he would be paying £1350 a month at the lowest end of the scale

All involve stripping him of his autonomy and a not insignificant amount of coercion. Sounds like you want posters to affirm your warped views and attitude towards your sons finances and are latching on to similarly controlling suggestions. If you don't want to be challenged, don't post an AIBU thread.

Definitely rooms in shared houses in London for less than £975! And he'd likely share with his girlfriend.

I think there can be a personality aspect at play. I have much younger children but you can see even at primary age one is going to be a natural saver and one a natural spender. We will be working on them re financial awareness before adulthood but you really can just see a completely different philosophy to money at play.

With your son, I’d have no hesitation forcing the issue. Ultimately you want him to be able to have enough to be able to move out and he is not doing anything to help that. He needs to get into the habit of seeing savings as a bill (ie pay yourself first) and not later or he’ll never learn. Yes to a degree it’s babying him but he’s not an independent adult while he’s living at home and you shouldn’t be subsiding his living costs while he coasts around spending his money on shit. It would be different if you could see he was there working towards a savings goal but at this rate he’ll never leave.

£800 a month is wild. I could understand if you told him you would be taking £400 keep and then putting the additional £400 into savings but taking it just to put it all into an account that he can access anyway just feels like taking an onus off him in managing his own finances. If you were insiting he needs to save it he should just be in charge of doing it.

It seems like best intentions but reads as micromanaging him, he is a 21 year old man

How is he going to afford a house on £480 per week regardless of you saving for him?