Son and his money!

[Happyhorse222]

Good Morning,

Need some advice on what others would do with the following:

DS- 21 in a trade earning £480 a week paid weekly- sometimes more if he works a Saturday. We told him to pick a bill to pay so he covers the wifi and water bill.

Me/ dad cook for the entire family in the evenings (we really enjoy it as a couple), so whilst he knows how to cook and helps us occasionally I still do all the family meals so he only has to buy extra snacks for himself that he wants outside of my normal food shop.

He is up at 6am finishes at around 11am- does come home and clean/tidy up, does his washing etc but that's by the by he should be doing that at 21 anyway.

Unfortunately after a year of work he has only saved £750. Told us he is spending on food at work- taking gf out etc.

He wants to buy a house and absolutely can by late 20's if he saved. But he isn't. He is regularly out of money before the next Friday. He keeps saying he wants to but just doesn't!

Husband is saying he will be telling him from Friday he is to pay us £200 rent a week, which leaves him £280 per week for his own spending.

This money we would be taking in rent will be going into our savings account to save pretty much on his behalf and give back to him.

I haven't been in this situation before and would obviously like to help him save but I also don't want to baby him. My other kid has saved birthday/ Christmas money religiously and has a frigging budget sheet per month with her job and I gave them both the same upbringing so it's driving me insane he keeps saying he wants to do it and then not doing it, but I am also blue in the face from the MULTIPLE conversations/ suggestions we have made and had for him to save.

He has 0 to pay for so is this a reasonable way of doing something he will thank us later for or are we just teaching him we will sort out any problems he has and never have to do it himself. Will be taking the bills he pays back into our finances should we charge the rent instead.

Aghhhh parenting!

No transport costs, company van and a fuel card paid for by company. The problem is he isn't saving anything on his own, keeps saying he wants to but if effectively spending 2k a month on takeaways and going out. If he was saving I wouldn't take anything but he's just living in a complete fantasy world atm and I need to find a way to bring it into reality as he won't have this much spare money when he's older and it's giving him false realities.

It’s fine but you have to be transparent with him about what you’re doing. £800 is a truly ridiculous amount of rent to take off him - will he actually be under the impression that that’s what it’s for? If so, you are totally in the wrong

if you have a chat and tell him you’d like £800 a month and you plan to invest this for him and return it to him in XYZ years, then great. Hes aware of what you’re doing and its above board

If you can afford it, I would stop him paying some of the bills and instead simply charge him a market rent for renting his room in a lodger’s house. Explain that you will keep this money for him for a house deposit and you are not going to take if for yourself. By charging market rate, you get him used to losing that portion of his wage to rent / mortgage and he gets used to living without it. It is what I do with my adult daughter who lives with me. Occasionally I’ll tell her how much she has saved to ‘inspire’ her.
Even then, he is still on a really good deal if you cook for him. If he doesn’t like it, he can move out and give that sum to some other LL who will just take it. If it is too much for him, looks like he needs packed lunches and/ or a second job. Welcome to adulthood!

I worked with a young man like this, and have younger relatives that are the same. In each case they have ended up with a lovely, sensible GF, who is driven mad by the lads’ uselessness with money! In the case of one, he is almost 30, parents always let him get on with it and assumed he’d grow up and figure it out eventually, he and his gf have now had a baby, and he is still is blowing his money on ridiculous things like personalised golf clubs, when they need money for the wee one and to save for the baby’s future, and frankly we are all expecting her to leave him. From looking at older (male) friends and family members, some men just don’t ‘grow up’ until they are middle aged, and if parents want them to actually move out at some point then they have to give them a helping hand, either by forcing them to save, or by handing over their own money.

Yeah he will be told we are opening a savings account under his name and it will be in there for him to log into etc

You are bang on, OP. I also have a saver & a spender.

DS1 is 21 & final year uni. He has worked all through to support himself & has still managed to save for holidays & travel. He parties hard too, but watching the spending I'll never need to worry about him.

DS2 19 is 1st year uni (at home) has ADHD & just cannot control his spending. Money seems to trickle through his fingers. That's okay when he has a Saturday job with £80-120 a week, but we worry that he'll do the same with much bigger amounts when he's got a career, so we talk about money all the time casually- e.g. how much the energy bill is/ why I moved companies, how much food is going up, increases in insurances, me making avc to my pension, saving for the extension, price of holidays. It doesn't put pressure on him, but making him slowly aware of the costs of being an adult.

Last year ex-DH had a great idea. DS2 wanted to go inter-railing for a month. We set conditions: his flights & train pass were paid for by leftover birthday money & we made Christmas mainly money for this end. He needed to save for spending. We broke it down weekly what he needed to save from January- June. Come March that wasn't happening, so another chat ensued that he said he needed accountability, so he transferred a higher amount to me each week. We agreed if he could do this, ex-H would top it up to whatever he worked out was his budget. He did transfer every week, & researched his daily budget for inter-railing & how much top up he'd need. He stuck to it religiously & had enough come June, so the top-up was given no worries. He needed to really think about things for those 4 months- what parties/ nights out/ trips to go to or miss out. It's had an effect, as he regularly will say now ' I can't go to such and such, as I need extra funds next week for the rugby social'.

So, OP, this is a long winded way of saying that YES I'd take the £800. Over £1000 a month to himself at that age is wildly good. He should be saving some too, but see how it goes for a bit before suggesting that.

What on earth are you doing taking £350 a month of him!! I sincerely hope you are putting it aside and will give it back to him?

He could save a huge amount by taking pack up to work,eating from snackers is a fortune easy £10 a day

@Happyhorse222 In an ideal world you would not need to step in and your son would understand how fortunate he is to have a good job and supportive parents. It looks like he needs a helping hand, I too couldn't stand aside and watch my child fritter money away. I would get him to set up a LISA (he can put in £4k per year and the government tops up with a 25% bonus). The rest I would split between a stocks and shares ISA and a cash ISA (which he could use to save for his annual tax bill). At £200 per week he will be saving over £10k a year, which is an amazing amount and a real step up when he is ready to buy a property.

He could and we have said it until we are blue in the face but he just isn't doing it!

Is this for real? 350 for everything from someone who can save loads is very reasonable. I get 300 from each of my three and it helps pay the bills. They know they’re very well looked after for that.

New idea - you charge him £x a month less the net contribution to his savings account. So if you agree on £800 and he can show you he’s put £500 net into his saving then you get £300 to cover his board. It would need a cap to stop him wanting a refund. That way he does have to have the willpower to build up his savings himself rather than mummy doing it, but he is hugely incentivised as the net “cost” to his spending money is the same. It’s quite babyish but not as bad as a secret account you will gift back later.

As a parent this is the Best thing you could do for him and Well done for that. Though im baffled that after a year he only saved 750, sounds shockingly low ! I dont believe his reasoning behind it.

Anyhow yes make sure your husband does go through with it and ask for the money, make sure he sets up a direct debit so your paid the 200 or youl be asking him every week for it.

I plan on similar when my DD is older. If her current urge to spend money (on anything) is anything to go by, she’ll need it. My plan is the following:

25% rent (allocated to house deposit)
25% long term savings (ISA)
25% short term savings (holidays etc)
25% to spend

Why is it ridiculous? Currently he is blowing through 2k a month with nothing to show for it! He will now be paying his parents 800 a month to include rent, all bills, all food. Even the cheapest bills, rent and food for one person cost way more than that. And that will be saved for him. And he still has plenty to burn through.

He cannot spend 2K a month as this is what he is earning. Give or take.

Saving for someone else. The account should be in his name? You might want to look after it. You say you are putting into your savings account. So any interest he gets is lost and caught up in yours.
How does someone spend almost £450 a week on takeaways. He eats with you. And helps out in the kitchen.

So are we, we just helped him do his tax return and literally sat there like where is all this money?! He literally had about 21k unaccounted for it was shocking!

The account will be in his name. Tell me about it, we were absolutely shocked and baffled.

Was he shocked too ?

I agree with what you are proposing @Happyhorse222 However if you put the money in an account in your son’s name what is to stop him drawing the money out whenever he feels like it?

You are not being unreasonable. I would tell him that you are going to use the £200/wk as forced savings. £280 a week is plenty of spare cash.

Also, I don't think you are babying him. It would be babying him if you took all his money, and gave him £20/day for lunch and bus, and £40 for the pub on Friday etc.

A LISA will also return 25% top up from the government annually and you can put in £4k per year (deducted from main ISA allowance). A person can release as a first home deposit

How much is the water and the wifi? @Happyhorse222

Perhaps save it in account under his name or he'll be taxed when you give it back to him.