Son and his money!

[Happyhorse222]

Good Morning,

Need some advice on what others would do with the following:

DS- 21 in a trade earning £480 a week paid weekly- sometimes more if he works a Saturday. We told him to pick a bill to pay so he covers the wifi and water bill.

Me/ dad cook for the entire family in the evenings (we really enjoy it as a couple), so whilst he knows how to cook and helps us occasionally I still do all the family meals so he only has to buy extra snacks for himself that he wants outside of my normal food shop.

He is up at 6am finishes at around 11am- does come home and clean/tidy up, does his washing etc but that's by the by he should be doing that at 21 anyway.

Unfortunately after a year of work he has only saved £750. Told us he is spending on food at work- taking gf out etc.

He wants to buy a house and absolutely can by late 20's if he saved. But he isn't. He is regularly out of money before the next Friday. He keeps saying he wants to but just doesn't!

Husband is saying he will be telling him from Friday he is to pay us £200 rent a week, which leaves him £280 per week for his own spending.

This money we would be taking in rent will be going into our savings account to save pretty much on his behalf and give back to him.

I haven't been in this situation before and would obviously like to help him save but I also don't want to baby him. My other kid has saved birthday/ Christmas money religiously and has a frigging budget sheet per month with her job and I gave them both the same upbringing so it's driving me insane he keeps saying he wants to do it and then not doing it, but I am also blue in the face from the MULTIPLE conversations/ suggestions we have made and had for him to save.

He has 0 to pay for so is this a reasonable way of doing something he will thank us later for or are we just teaching him we will sort out any problems he has and never have to do it himself. Will be taking the bills he pays back into our finances should we charge the rent instead.

Aghhhh parenting!

@Hangerbout
"Young men do also need to be told not to spend all their money on silly, low-aspiration girlfriends who will no doubt move on to the next person who can fund their false eyelash and duck lips habits"

Seriously?!

It doesn’t matter, taking over £800 a month in ‘board’ is absurd.

Yes definitely do that if he will agree is another thing. 21 is still very young and he mightn’t see the value yet.
Can he do extra work in the evening?
We would call them ‘ Tommers’ here, cash in hand it’s how young trades people afford the extras.

That's a great idea. He'll still have over 1K a month to spend on himself which is more than many people have at any age, never mind at 21.

He won't get a bed/breakfast/dinner hotel room for anywhere near that money.

Eh? How is a woman's fault that this man is spending all his money of luxuries instead of paying his share of household bills and saving up to buy a home? He can always say no if indeed his girlfriend is asking him for money to spend on cosmetic treatments.

Yeah the PP is way off. His gf also works, has no fillers or fake eyelashes and is earning her own money for anything she wants. he just treats her to dinner lol x

I didn’t suggest he would, but that is no way to justify taking such a large amount.

He still has £1120 left a month to spend on himself? That's a whole wage for some people?

I don't agree with your DH. He will effectively be paying £800 per month rent, which is ridiculously high. Even though you might be saving it for him, it's got to be his choice to save and not yours. When he's really serious about it he will do it. I think you should agree a more sensible amount to pay for rent and then if you want to put that aside it's your choice.

What he has left isn't the point - the point is that you decide a more normal amount for rent and don't interfere any further than that.

So he has a good £2,000 a month? If he was supporting himself, at least half that would go in rent and bills. He should be setting that aside, both for the future and to get used to budgeting. Honestly I’d be asking for £1,200 a month: £200 towards the cost of him living with you and the rest in a savings account towards his first house. That will still leave him with at least £800 a month, for anything he likes, which is absolutely loads!

Because young men can be naive.

If he was renting privately, £800 a month is about what it costs in London for a room in a shared house. Don't know if they live in London of course.
The point though is that OP is within her rights to say that her 21 year old can only live at home if he agrees to certain conditions, and one of the conditions is that he saves up some money. This system will mean that OP knows the money is being saved without nagging him to check his bank statements, which really would be infantilising.

Depends where he is, around here that would not get you a room in a shared flat. Plus, if he’s too immature to manage his money, it seems not-unreasonable for Op to help him to learn

We live in London and a one bed flat in our area is about £1350 so even more than half let alone bills x

I think this in completely unreasonable and very controlling. He is an adult, it is up to him what he spends and what he saves.

Charge him a reasonable 'living with parents' rent (say £3-400/m) - yes. If you don't need if for expenses, then save it for him - yes! But forcing him to hand over nearly half his wage because he's not spending/saving it how you would like - absolutely not. That's controlling, bordering on financially abusive. He's an adult, and it's up to him what he does with his money (once he's covered his costs). He's most certainly making bad decisions, but as an adult, they are his bad decisions to make.

Could you get him to manage his money as if he has rent and bills to pay, ie put money in an account that he doesn't access so it builds up?

Go through some projections in how quickly small amounts saved up grow?

Eg if he's spending £200 pw that he could be saving, that's over £10k pa, more once he adds interest and his LISA bonus.

How much does he have to pay out? Is he running a car?

Get him to think about how he would feel if in 5 years time he's only saved £5k when he could have saved £50k, probably more? Or if he wants to live with a GF and she's switched on enough to know it won't work if he pisses all his money away.

Does he have a pension? If he stays in a physical job he may be knackered when he's in his 50s/60s so he'll really regret not putting money away now while it has time to grow if he still has to work when he's physically incapable.

He has 0 to pay out. Company vehicle and a fuel card provided to him. He has a £20 phone bill per month and that's literally it.

I think it’s babyish to save for him but I can’t decide if he needs to be treated like a baby (because he is incapable of saving like a big boy) or if he needs to be treated like a man (because babying a big baby does not a man make) and be told “we don’t mind subbing your living costs to help you save up and get on your feet but as you don’t save a bean then we will be charging you what it actually costs as it’s obviously a long term arrangement as you will be living with mum and dad forever”. A working adult being subbed by working parents is fine if they are saving for something like and independent adult life but not fine if they are spending £400 a week plus on friend chicken, beer and ice cream.

It doesn’t matter what he has left, it matters that you are being reactive and trying to control him by taking a large amount of money for board, if you thought it was a reasonable amount you would have done it in the first place, the reason you are wanting to take so much now is so he has X amount saved in Y time. That’s utterly unacceptable imo.

Well obviously he has to be OK and want you to be taking that amount away from him to save. He's young and financially irresponsible so he might throw a fit and fail to see the benefits

In my personal family experience - so not a generalisation - the tradesmen work early, work hard and also blow a lot of money on nights out with coke/weed. My cousin only managed to buy a house with his gf because her income pushed them into passing the affordability checks and made it easier to secure a mortgage bc he was self employed. It didn't really matter about a large deposit for them.. perhaps you could take him to a financial advisor.. might listen more coming from an independent professional

Ok, unfortunately I care about my child having a happy settled future rather than letting him spend £480 a week on takeaways and random shit and then struggle to meet ever increasing rent in London. So thanks for your advice but I will be taking the much more logical suggestions from other posters.

This is actually perfect thank you, because this is exactly what is happening x

I have three in their 20s and wouldn’t take that much. Son is 23 and earns £50k now so around £3k a month and saves around £1k and gives me £300.

Yes he’s got loads of money but life is expensive for a young man with a broke girlfriend and driving lessons and socialising to pay for. I assume he has some transport costs and then clothing and eating out.

ps. That comment about duck lipped girls is disgusting. My son pays for stuff as his GF is still a student but she’s a brilliant and sensible young woman who has never been near a beautician in her life. What a horrible assumption about young people.

Anyway I’d find other ways to encourage him to save. He could also earn more as his hours are so short. Does he have a goal? A car? A flat?