Son and his money!

[Happyhorse222]

Good Morning,

Need some advice on what others would do with the following:

DS- 21 in a trade earning £480 a week paid weekly- sometimes more if he works a Saturday. We told him to pick a bill to pay so he covers the wifi and water bill.

Me/ dad cook for the entire family in the evenings (we really enjoy it as a couple), so whilst he knows how to cook and helps us occasionally I still do all the family meals so he only has to buy extra snacks for himself that he wants outside of my normal food shop.

He is up at 6am finishes at around 11am- does come home and clean/tidy up, does his washing etc but that's by the by he should be doing that at 21 anyway.

Unfortunately after a year of work he has only saved £750. Told us he is spending on food at work- taking gf out etc.

He wants to buy a house and absolutely can by late 20's if he saved. But he isn't. He is regularly out of money before the next Friday. He keeps saying he wants to but just doesn't!

Husband is saying he will be telling him from Friday he is to pay us £200 rent a week, which leaves him £280 per week for his own spending.

This money we would be taking in rent will be going into our savings account to save pretty much on his behalf and give back to him.

I haven't been in this situation before and would obviously like to help him save but I also don't want to baby him. My other kid has saved birthday/ Christmas money religiously and has a frigging budget sheet per month with her job and I gave them both the same upbringing so it's driving me insane he keeps saying he wants to do it and then not doing it, but I am also blue in the face from the MULTIPLE conversations/ suggestions we have made and had for him to save.

He has 0 to pay for so is this a reasonable way of doing something he will thank us later for or are we just teaching him we will sort out any problems he has and never have to do it himself. Will be taking the bills he pays back into our finances should we charge the rent instead.

Aghhhh parenting!

The biggest thing I take from this is that you need to realise he is not a child anymore. You say you went over his tax return and that was the point you realised he hasn’t saved any money. So you left him to it yet when it’s gone wrong (in your opinion) you want to level some extreme control. Setting up a savings account with him should have been encouraged when he was getting pocket money so he could start to see his money grown by a save/spent allocation. Now he has gone into real earnings and used his money in a way you don’t approve of you don’t get to say ‘I care about my child’ as if this isn’t an absolute reaction to him spending his money. I don’t disagree that he should pay some board but to take over £800 to live at home is verging on financially abuse. Make a thread and ask pejole who do charge their adult children what they charge, I will be very surprised to see anything over £500 let alone more than £800.

But he's not living in a flat of his own. He has a bedroom in his parents' house. The situations are not comparable. For far less, he could probably rent a room with his gf in a shared house, and enjoy all the freedoms that would give away from a controlling Mum and Dad.

In any case, the issue isn't the amount charged. It's that his parents want to take away half of his salary for the sole reason of controlling what this young adult does with his own money. It's controlling and financially abusive.

Imagine a situation where a husband decided that his wife needed to hand over half her income to him because he didn't think she was saving enough of it! This is no different.

I think you are doing the right thing OP. You have had the chats with no positive result so IMO a good parent takes charge and stops the frittering. Or physically sit with him and set up a DD in his own name to his own account.

My DC are younger but already one is a saver and one is a spender. I do get involved in the “wait a week and if you still want it, buy it” as the impulse control is not there.

It’s teaching good habits. He’s still young and can be taught this.

Really? He’s working from say 7am to 11am (op says he gets up at 6am, so 7am start?). So 4hrs a day, 20hrs a week. Full time gross salary would be about £55k

He’s 21 it’s not up to you anymore what he does with his money. You can ask him to contribute to rent or bills but you can’t force him to save and not spend that’s not up to you and nagging him is unlikely to do anything but upset your relationship. Every child is different so even with the same upbringing they will have different goals and priorities.

I would charge him rent, but not necessarily give him it all back at some point. Him living with you does have costs in power, food etc. He should be paying his way.

If it's towards a house purchase, you'd be better off opening a LISA in his name to take advantage of the 25% top up
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/savings/lifetime-isas/

Google says "As of April 2026, the minimum weekly wage for a 40-hour week in the UK is £508.40 for workers aged 21 and over"

so might be needing another job!

If he wanted this, he'd be doing this. He's happy at home getting the majority of his bills paid and meals on the table. They're not holding him hostage 😂😂

You're unbelievable!!

Are you a man by any chance? How on earth can you think that is an acceptable excuse for your seriously crass and misogynistic post! Disgusting, I hope you don’t have daughters, or sons for that matter! You should be ashamed of yourself.

He isn’t working anything near 49 hours a week though.

He could move into a flat on his own and be kicked out in a matter of months when he has no budgeting in place of course. Or he could live off his girlfriends salary and appear in a post on here in five years time about how he's cocklodging. His girlfriend doesn't want to rent a flat she wants to buy. Plus renting even a room in my area is £945 pcm. So nothing you have said is viable. Plus him living at home at 40 is not viable because he never learnt to be responsible take accountability and save.

If you think spending nearly 2k on takeaways and going out is normal I worry for your own childrens spending habits.

He is not- he does about 30 hours x

I have scrolled briefly through so may have missed it but -

He is hemorrhaging a lot of money somewhere, how can it truly be on takeaways and meals out?!

As a mum id be really concerned about where all that money is actually going.

He couldnt account for 21k when doing his self assessment?! What on earth

Yeah literally, hence drastic action is needed! He is living in a fantasy world and when he moves out eventually he will be fucked after getting into these bad habits.

If he's really got about £400 a week completely disappearing and no evidence of where it's gone/nothing at all to show for it, if he worried about an addiction of some kind - coke or gambling. That's an awful lot just to be spending on Costa coffee and lunchtime meal deals.

This exactly. My sister has the same wage as him and rents a flat and pays all bills etc on the same. It really has shocked me.

So where's it going?

Gambling? Drugs? Other addictions?

It cannot be just on food!

You are the totally right. My husband still resents his brother and parents for the way they indulged his every whim and bailed him out time and time again while my OH, the older brother, had to work and save for everything he wanted.

Drastic action isn't needed. He's an adult making adult choices, albeit wrong choices in your opinion. You can't enforce some secret savings scheme on him. If it bothers you that much, ask him to move out. But he earned it, he gets to choose what he does with it. If he wants to spend it all on football stickers, it will annoy you, but its his call. They are his mistakes to make, and at 21 its better to make them and learn from them now than when he has a family to support.

I can see you want to do the best for him, and you can help him by imparting your wisdom and experience. But not by a clandestine savings scheme disguised as extortionate rent.

He will be aware we are saving it? In a bank account that's in his name?

Have had multiple conversations that aren't working, should you have read the entire post.

I thought gambling or drugs too. That’s an insane mount of money just gone like that.
I would be delving into this further OP.

I wouldn't take it from as board. I'd take it from him as a condition of living at home with you - he has to save £200 a week, and as he can't be trusted to save it on his own, you will put it in a savings account for him.

You need to get him into the habit of saving, and that includes the lovely motivating feeling of seeing the savings add up - he should be part of that. If you just take the money and surprise him with it later, on a day-to-day basis until then he's only experiencing the hard part of being a functioning adult: making financial sacrifices. The good part, is why we do it - sitting on a dragon's nest of gold...

Also could you get him to setup a LISA, via something like moneybox. They give him 25% free every year. It can only be withdrawn as a house deposit or when older like 55 maybe.

If he puts in £4k they will gifr the accont £1k free per year. Its a max of £1k gift per year.

Maybe set up the account together, you have the password. And you supervise him paying the money in as you login and keep control of the account for him.

Just an idea as its free money x

Husband has been talking to him today and he has said he has been lending an unemployed friend some money as well, so that's a whole new chat this evening ffs.