To think that my daughter should get the bedroom she wants?

[JMSA]

My daughter will soon be going into her second year of university, and will share a private let with one of her current student accommodation ‘flatmates.’
They viewed a property today but can’t agree on who should get the en-suite bedroom, which is sort of set on a floor of its own. Sounds grander than it is, but you get the gist!
My daughter is happily single and this is unlikely to change. Her flatmate-to-be is in an established relationship and it’s likely that he will be visiting lots (he’s a fellow student).
Daughter is an anxious soul, bless her, and she’d really value some privacy away from the couple.
Also there’s the fact that he will no doubt shower there sometimes, charge his phone, etc, so add to the energy bills. I should stress that he will definitely have his own place, but realistically speaking, will stay over there sometimes.
I will leave it to the girls to sort, and ultimately this is a life lesson for my daughter, in advocating for herself. I have told her my opinion and she agrees.
Would she be unreasonable to push for her first choice of bedroom?
Thanks.

Really common to draw lots for rooms in shared houses. Neither of them deserves the en suite more than the other.

Toss a coin for the en-suite, whoever gets it should pay a bit more.

Oh definitely! I had a flatmate who's partner stayed nearly every night - even when the FM wasn't there! It caused a lot of tension.

OP is it just the 2 of them sharing? I would suggest flipping a coin, and maybe swapping rooms halfway through the year? Or after 1 year if they plan to stay for 2. They both need to feel the agreement is fair, or resentment will build.

I definitely think cheaper rent for the smaller room/ no bathroom. Even with a coin toss, resentment can build. This way you can think, we'll at least I'm paying less.

Or, find a different house where rooms are now equal.

I think they only have two choices - flip a coin or pay more for the en-suite. I also wouldn't get involved, including expressing my opinion unless asked. If she feels the need to have the en-suite for the reasons you suggest, then she will have to instigate a discussion about it. Money often talks in these situations.

I had this at university. No en-suites, but one room was about four times the size of thr other. We swapped partway through the year to make it fair.

Ensuite slightly more expensive. Then coin toss and winner chooses bigger or cheaper room. Before rooms are distributed it's agreed if ensuite tenant is only to use that bathroom.

The which-room question can be easily solved. The living de facto with someone else’s bf is more of a problem. A couple in a house, even if he doesn’t officially live there, skews the dynamic and she will start to be treated second class or like a child who can’t make choices or assert preferences. Tv / gaming, shared space, quiet / noisy, meal times, heating / ventilation…. All of those things can be always they will thoughtlessly do what they want and she’ll be treated as an irritant if she disagrees

Coin toss or pay more for en-suite. I can understand why your daughter wants the en-suite. I wouldn’t want to be walking from bathroom to bedroom wrapped in a towel while flatmate’s boyfriend is regularly there.

have only read the OP and at the risk of being the 94th person to say this: if they can't agree (and i would be for no boyfriends staying over anyway in the DDs shoes) then they need to look for a place that they can agree on.

Encourage her to do a coin toss rather than argue over who deserves it more.

when i did a flat share (not in UK) in a country where the price is generally given in square metres, we just worked out the rent for each depending on the size of their room at the sqm price, and all paid for the communal areas. One room was bigger, one room had a sunny balcony which was included in the sqm price (as per usual)

Yep, higher rent for the ensuite room and coin toss if they both still want it.

One of my dd's housemates felt bizarrely entitled to the best room. It was a sign of stuff to come, unfortunately. She has been a terrible housemate and neither of the others are willing to share with her again next year.

So your DD will do that too then…which completely invalidates your argument.

You need to let your daughter sort it out. What does she think she should do? Stuff like this is part of life and she needs to learn how to navigate it. I would be discussing what she thinks is fair and then advising her on how to broach it, including what to do if it gets to stalemate. Get her view and navigate from there rather than stepping in to say your view

I think youre biased because shes your daughter. No reason she wouldnt also have a partner during the lease.

Either - this isnt the right flat for them, this isnt the right flatmate for your daughter or they need to compromise.

Id suggest ensuite room costs a bit more. Or if theyre moving in together again next year who ever gets first pick this year gets first pick next year or even draw straws.

Your daughter could get a boyfriend tomorrow and the couple could split. Who knows what will happen.

But was there a spooky corridor to get to her room that they were too scared to use?!

I agree, when DH (he was DP then) and l bought our first house together, his son , as a young adult, hadn't yet left home so was moving in with us. There was an ensuite room on a different floor, similar to OP's DD set up and a family bathroom. DH pushed for his DS to have the ensuite on the grounds of privacy for us and him and it was the one he wanted himself.
I came off worst tbh, his DS had exclusive use of his ensuite, whilst l was sharing the family bathroom with him and DP. His son would regularly use it for the toilet to save him going to his ensuite and had regular baths.
Of course l didn't mind sharing bathroom with now DH as he is meticulously clean and always left it clean.
His son however, not so much, so if he was occupying family bathroom l didn't want to use his ensuite unless desperate as it was often dirty. Then l had to clean our bathroom again before l used toilet or clean the tide mark and worse from the bath. l never cleaned the ensuite, drew the line at that so DP would but try get his son to do it for weeks first so it got pretty bad.
DD's friend's DP in the OP might be very clean and considerate however so may not be as problematic but l am probably influenced by my bad experience but l am with OP on her DD getting ensuite.

You'd think that, but my ds got stiffed by his "friends" on a flat share. He ended up with box room(mate with gf, not living there full time.) Got enquired, mate who needed space for drawing board got double and ds got single. But equally shared rent.

If there are two of them sharing, they each have a bathroom: one has the (likely) bigger one that isn't en-suite; the other has the (likely) smaller one but with the balancing advantage that it's more convenient for her bedroom.

None of the 'what's mine is mine, but what's yours is shared' - each one needs to respect each other's privacy, with their own guests using their own bathroom only. Naturally, each of them is responsible for cleaning her own exclusive bathroom.

I don't understand the people saying that 'the couple' should have the en-suite - there is no couple amongst the tenants; just two friends. If he isn't an official tenant and he isn't paying towards the rent, the bf doesn't get (or earn for his gf) any special privileges or considerations. At any rate, as PP said, who's to say that the couple couldn't split up and the single person find her lifelong partner in the first week?

So if there’s two bathrooms then they get a bathroom each, so the friend and boyfriend should just use the en suite toilet / shower, if they decide on that room and your DD gets the bedroom and main bathroom to herself.
Sounds like the en suite is perhaps on the second floor, so comes with the added expectation that there’s more stairs climbing every time they need the loo if down stairs?!

Agree with others that whoever has en suite should pay more, I don’t think your daughter has anymore right to it than the other housemate just because she’s single though.

What I would say is a word of caution about the boyfriend, I lived in a flatshare with one friend whose boyfriend ended up living pretty much full time in our flat and didn’t contribute anything.

Final nail in the coffin was when she’d gone away with some other friends but given him the key, I came home and he was sat watching the football in the lounge in his pants, the flat was a tip and he’d left load of dirty dishes and crap in the kitchen. Suffice to say our friendship ended.

Of course this may never happen and your DD’s BF may be a much more pleasant human who does indeed only stay 1 night a week but it does change the dynamic.

how we handled this at uni was made the better bedroom a little bit more expensive. Would either be willing to pay more for the en-suite? Then it feels fair

I agree: they can't expect rhe convenience of their own exclusive bathroom when it suits, but also not to have the inconvenience of the stairs when they're on a different floor.

En-suites are fantastic in a family house setting - where they obviously go to the parents who run and also pay for the house; but in a household of equals, they can just end up causing dissension.