to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

you have ignored literally dozens and dozens of posts that have clearly said that most grandfathers and FILs are keen and helpful.

Maybe she's ignored them because her experience is different.

I don't know one grandfather who is doing the kind and amount of childcare the grandmothers are. I don't know any grandfathers doing care of the grandkids period. There's a couple that are home when the kids are there, but they're not doing anything with the kids.

@outerspacepotato I don't know any families that don't have grandfathers doing at least the same as what the respective grandmothers are doing I know several families where the grandfather is doing more than the grandmother due to health/work/aliveness - your experience sounds really skewed.

@outerspacepotato and even if she is ignoring it because it "isn't her experience" why the fuck is she even coming here and posting if not to see what other peoples experiences are. She literally just wants people to agree with her and validate her choice to not help her own children.

Good for you @skizz you do your own thing and fuck those humans you brought into the world, they are adults, why should you bother helping them if they need it.

We all know it’s mainly the grandmothers! Come on. So many entitled people on here. I’m thoroughly shocked. Pay for childcare and stop taking advantage of your parents.

And no being at the school gate every day is not a joy. And then doing hours of childcare. You can be a good grandparent without doing that.

OP has raised her kids, worked full time for years and now she’s expected to get back to the school gate every day when she may actually finally get some time to herself.

OP - Stay working if you enjoy it or retire/cut down your hours but do not commit to anything.

My parents do one school pick up a week for my brother and then look after them for a few hours. That seems like a nice balance but you are under no obligation to do that. Especially if you think they will just take, take and ask for more and more.

When do you stop helping grown men and women?

Where I am, I know grandmothers that are even legal guardians of their grandkids. My experience is that of living in a huge city where men frequently abandon their kids and the older men are not doing the care of grandkids. It's just not happening. So our experiences differ. Maybe, just maybe, OP's area skews more like mine. It doesn't appear her daughter or DIL have approached the older men in her family with the same kind of automatic childcare assumptions.

Stay mad. 🙄

It's a board. People can ask what they want and take the responses that resonate with them. They don't have to take your word or my word or anybody's word as The Last Word

Her kids are voluntelling her what she's going to be doing with her life and that's pretty controlling.

@outerspacepotato "stay mad" are you a child 😂
I also live in a big city, I have also lived in small towns. Maybe I just surround myself who like being helpful and part of a community.

@Differentforgirls if you are able never, my parents help me all the time my grandparents are still alive and would help my parents if they needed it. If you are able to help your children why wouldn't you. Their age is irrelevant.

@Delatron my parents insisted on helping, DHs too. They like spending time with their grandchildren and they like helping their own children. We could afford full time childcare if needed, so it isn't about "taking advantage" some families are just much closer than others.

Maybe your parents infantilise you?

Your own parents helped you with childcare, did they infantilise you?

There’s lots of these threads about grandparents and childcare. Same language and same ways of responding.

they are often goady and trying to get reactions. They won’t respond to different views other than their own and will likely repeat the same things back rather than properly engage.

keep an eye out - I’m sure you’ll spot them. 👀

They volunteered and were not working and young.

And maybe that posters parents are young and volunteered too.

You had a long running thread where you were clear that you judged people that use childcare and also judge those that are stay at home parents. Now you're on threads judging those that did the same as you. Do you honestly think your own parents didn't have days they wanted to do it and others were they privately felt they would rather not, and maybe even complained to their own friends?

No they didn’t. And I have never judged stay at home parents.

How could you possibly know what was felt or said in private? You were clear on your previous thread that you were insulted by the presumption that you were a stay at home Mum. My point is that you are judgemental of everyone and many likely have very similar sets ups to yours. If you were speaking to your younger self on here you would most definitely be using offensive language and describing yourself as a bad mother/daughter.

Away with your personal attacks. Creepy!

How is any of that a personal attack or creepy. You had a long, long thread giving your thoughts and opinions. We're allowed to point out the flaws in your opinions. We are humans, some of us have decent memories.

OP can I ask - genuinely without the "threat" connetations - what you envisage being fair/right/moral/family-oriented if you did need care when you are older? I'm not talking about emotional care ie your children and grandchildren visiting you in your old age. I'm talking nappy-changing, spoon feeding care? I am trying very hard to phrase my question so that you don't think that I already have a preconceived idea of what your answer should be because I genuinely have no idea how to deal with the situation like yours. I have full-on sympathy for your predicament especially with the huge number of grandchildren you have... I can't actually see how any older person could cope doing child care for nine people.... As you have rightly said, to avoid favouritism you might end up doing way more work possibly than any of the parents, each set of whom only have a proportion of those nine to keep in mind. So yeah I have absolutely no idea what you should do in that case... very difficult dilemma.

To me, it would certainly involve getting all of the sets of parents together with each other without you there and with the setup of a proper meeting, which will have conclusions at the end, and for them to discuss and justify to each other what they thought you should provide for the whole group of them, before presenting an actual plan. And I think part of the discussion and the plan would be what your safeguards against the creep might be... almost like you having a safe word if anybody forgets the provisions of the plan that all eight parents have agreed is fair and not horrendous for you in the 1:9 situation. In that way they would have to justify to themselves and to each other and they could help each other understand what is too little and what is too much when considering the group of nine as a whole. Otherwise It's so easy to just say things like it's only a few school pickups when it isn't a few because it isn't just one of the families. And also they could have that meeting now even if you have no intention of retiring, because it would be helpful for them to see the group of nine as a whole because that's what it is for you, and to be able to discuss and justify what their expectations might be in the future.

It seems to me that in many of the replies to your post, the elephant in the room that there are nine of them is just not being addressed. But that said, I also would be really interested to know your opinion on my question. Perhaps it is moral enough to say that you bring up your children and that is the reason why they should do very very heavy old age care. I think I don't agree with that actually. Not for very heavy old age care anyway (And I'm not talking about the odd shop and visit... I am talking about lifting bathing, heavy incontinence etc .)

Unfortunately every single blood relative that I care about including my parents has already died. My DPs parents are dead. No one is in a position therefore to help us with our young DCs and equally, we will never have to provide the care and support to elderly parents that so many people do. Having lost all these dear people that I adored makes me feel very, very very sad and alone in the world. It's an actual terrifying feeling and despite all the "we can build a village attitude" in the world, I've had to learn a degree of self-sufficiency which honestly feels like it's almost stunted me emotionally (that's a post for another day though!)

Re them having an official meeting without you : sometimes people will let their unrealistic expectations of others just "be" because they either didn't see or chose not to see the whole picture. It's much easier to make somebody do something with a vibe and a guilt trip.... much harder to do it after you have had to assess, justify and argue with others whether your wishes or requirements are fair or possible.

You might even get a situation where getting them all in a room together makes them realise that they can actually help each other out as well as wanting you to help out.... having each other's kids over as part of a structured overall child care plan for example 😊

And some get obsessed.

funny how this doesn't seem to apply to grandfathers.

This response to anything pointed at grandmothers is stupid IMO.

It's no surprise that childcare by elders follows their lived experience of raising their own kids, my MIL stayed at home when the kids were little and FIL went out to work full time, it was common with that generation.. don't you think those roles THEY CHOSE are the reason why grandmothers are asked to, or sometimes want to/offer to do childcare? Not because she is woman and he is a man, because he never had the childcare role in their own relationship.

My MIL jumps at the chance to have our DD for a couple of hours, but I wouldn't ask my MIL to come round and put a shelf up, help rip out a bathroom or move furniture around etc, I'd be straight on the blower to my FIL if I needed help with anything practical and he would be straight round.

The future will most likely look very different with roles around childcare because it seems to be much more fluid now than it was then, but talking about grandparents NOW, you may still have quite strongly ingrained stereotypical roles and there's nothing actually wrong with that when it based on lived experience, ONLY if they want to do it though!

Obsessed for pointing out the hypocrisy in your posts? Seriously? If you want posters to be unaware of your situation so you can attack everyone with young children, even those that are the same as yourself use the name change function!

Yes. People like you.

That is half a sentence, people like me do what?

Read your own posts in this user name. I won’t be replying again as I’m feeding you.