to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Don't look after your grand kids if you don't want to but don't then be surprised at a lack of support and assistance when you're old.

There we go with pressuring older women into childcare. When are grandfathers told this?

One friend told me she had moved here when she knew that her daughter and SIL were expecting ( 2 hours away) because of the expectation of childcare.
Another friend was asked before the young couple conceived on her stance (with no expectation) and offered 2 days which she loves doing.
I am gearing up to move a whole lot closer Daughter & SIL expecting!) and am looking forward to helping.
I don't think any of us is wrong, just different.

@skizz I have either said grandparents (neutral) or you - as in personal to you this whole thread.

I added man, in brackets as a piss take because you keep saying "whatabout men/grandfathers)

But the poster is talking to you. A female.

I expect the granddads are lumped together as they live together.

and maybe it’s not pressuring. Maybe it’s just how they feel?

@skizz if you don't want to help your kids (if you are able to) that is your choice, but I don't think it is very nice, and I would feel the same about a man saying the exact same thing.

I think it is fine to be different. I think it is not fine when women are judged and criticised for not helping with childcare and men are mostly left alone in this regard.

It is not always that simple is it? i could give up my job now and help them 7 days a week then I would struggle financially. I could do childcare every night after work but I don't. If that makes me not very nice, then so be it. Just because you can help does not mean you always need to. I need to have my own life as well.

@skizz that's why I said if you are able to...

At no point have I said help you children even if it puts you into poverty and kills you. I also haven't said do every single day forever, the only example I gave you was two days a week.

If you are able to you should that's literally it.

I know it would not be 2 days a week.

It is not as simple if you can help then help. It might be in your life and that is great.

But I know my own circumstances and DC the best.

@skizz then I think you have an issue with having boundaries. It literally is as easy as saying I can do 1 day. You are actively looking for reasons to not help now rather than helping a bit where you can.

So don't help you clearly don't want to, but I think it is horrible.

(and I would if you were a man too don't worry.)

OP I am struggling with what you are looking from your post now. Lots of people have validated that if you don’t want to do childcare you shouldn’t and given helpful suggestions. While some grandparents love doing it, others don't want to. However you keep bringing it back to a resentment about treatment of grandfathers. I get it and you started your post with repeating a narrative of your friends that mothers are to blame not fathers for their childcare obligations. Which is nonsense and you should be challenging your friends on these comments rather than repeating them because this where the issues stem from. You’ve barely given an inch when challenged on that.

If you feel grandfathers get an easier ride then yes that’s not fair but I don’t see how it helps your original question by keeping bringing it back to this point. Is this what you really want validation on? If it’s your original question then I think you’ve got plenty of helpful answers. Time to speak to your kids and manage their expectations. Unless they are really unreasonable I’m struggling to see why they won’t just accept it and move on.

The thread has moved on.

I have not even retired yet so I don't need to set any boundaries right now. I have got the feedback of different perspectives which has been helpful.

I did challenge my friends but they said it was only the DDs/DILs railroading them and the men didn't get involved. They are entitled to their perspective.

I am not in need of any more advice but people keep responding which is fine so the thread has taken a different direction which is also fine.

Think it is horrible then, that is fine. Go for it.

It is simplistic from your side but like I said I know my own circumstances and DC the best.

Youre still completely missing the point on your friends comments but enough people on here have tried so i give up.

Ok fair enough!

I don't agree that if "we're able to we should"

Were the 20+ years of bringing up our children not enough? We now have to look after their children for them in order to have a hope of having any help in our old age? And not just a bit of ad hoc care but a regularly 2 days a week? So even after working 40+ years we still can't go on a weeks holiday outside of school hours because we're looking after our grandchildren twice a week.

We still can't focus on our own bloody needs at 60+ but we must devote our adult lives to caring for others at the expense of our own needs and wishes?

Nope, I won't be doing it.

Agree. That isn't even logical.

How many people are living by these standards? You could be volunteering all the time outside of your day job and sleeping/other duties. You could be cleaning the houses of your neighbors and friends. You could be doing all number of good deeds outside of work, sleep, eating etc etc.

Is it unkind that you are not?

Nobody should be bullied into it. My friend does too much. Its never just a days help. Then they had a wedding so another day's childcare. My mam reared us was her time then. I wouldnt do regular childcare Im too tired.

I do not see her posts like that. TBH I think considering what she has been asked already, she should be worried. Imagine deciding the schedule of your mother before she is even retired, wanting access to her days off now? And imagine knowing that if you give help to 1 grandchild you need to fairly give it to all.

IMO she is being very considered. I do not see how fixed childcare could even be fairly allocated even is she wanted to!

@skizz

I am totally with you. I came to grandparenting late in life, I'm much older than you and I am not doing regular childcare. However, I help out lots, I have dates booked in the diary to help out when their work clashes, I go at the drop of a hat when nursery sends GC home because of a temperature. That does mean I get every bug going and I'm fed up of getting ill !
I also do overnights when they go to festivals or nights away or whatever.
But regular childcare week in week out, absolutely not, I'm too old.

I think it's awful to say that I won't get any help from my DCs when I'm old and decrepit, luckily they are nice people and that won't be the case. There is a massive expectation by some when their parents retire and just want to enjoy their retirement.

Are all your relationships transactional?

Just as an aside. I have 42 cousins. All of those cousins have children. My husband has 7 cousins. All of those also have children. Guess who keeps in touch with every single one of them? Me. My husband isn’t on social media. Guess who has all of his friends and ex colleagues on social media? Again me.

I also have my own friends that I have had for years, people who my sons think of as their aunties and uncles.

We’re now at a stage in our lives where we can meet without the weans and just enjoy each other’s company.

You have to stop thinking that people who have reached a certain age have nothing else going on except providing child care.

We have lives too.

Maybe all the people who won't help their parents should be told not to expect any inheritance like the parents are being told if they don't do childcare don't expect any help when they're older.

@Bridgertonisbest Disagree 20+ years is literally nothing your children don't stop needing you just because they are adults. You chose to have them that is a life time of commitment. I will be helping my children however I am able to for as long as then want and need me to because I chose to have them. Just like my parents did for me, and my grandparents did for them.

It isn't about inheritance or transactional care. I want to help them (just like I help the older people in my family) because I love them.

My parents do care for my kids 2 days a week, but if they fancy a holiday (even last minute) they just tell me and we switch things around. It really isn't that hard. I don't expect them to have nothing to do other than care for children and I haven't said that at any point either, my dad did that big Portuguese pilgrimage last year and my mother is regularly away on random craft retreats.

Don't really get your point @Differentforgirls I have many cousins, second cousins etc and I keep in touch with them weather they have children or not, I see my childfree cousins and ones with kids the same amount, and I see the ones with kids, without their children too. DH only has his parents as they lost literally everyone in covid. I also have childhood friends that have children that my kids see as cousins and I see them with and without their children. I literally just got back from a childfree girls trip last weekend. I don't understand how any of this relates to grandparents helping.

@OutsideLookingOut I do, I have mentioned this upthread but I appreciate it is a long thread. I clean, shop and garden for my grandparents weekly, take them on any appointments they need and pop in for company twice a week, and yes I work full time, I just have flexible hours. I like being part of a community and helping other people in my circle. I also watch my neighbours daughter regularly (although this is less and less now she is 13) and various other volunteering around the town. So yes, if you can help you should.

I’m surprised you haven’t made the honours list.