to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

I think you're in the wrong place if you want a deep philosophical conversation about morality.

Not to mention that retirement age is more about economics and politics than morality. It is a blip in time like when the middle classes mostly got to have stay at home wives in the 50's/60's.

The retirement age will keep creeping up or go entirely if we can't afford it.

Ah sorry didn’t realise there were limits on engagement with this thread.

Maybe I’ve misunderstood but it seemed like the basic issue between yourself / friends and your children (daughters) is that the younger generation say the older ought to be providing childcare and the older generation say they ought to be free to enjoy their retirement without constraint. Those are moral statements. The conflict probably is in part due to slightly different moral emphases. Articulating your position (and trying to understand theirs) might be helpful. The other likely difference is in perception eg everyone tends to overestimate their own challenges and underestimate others’ so while your children might be focusing on how they need help with cost of living and you have time, you see that you are tired and they could be more frugal, for example.

But I got the impression you’re not so interested in that more abstract line of thought, and to be fair the thread started with a focus on your own particular situation. So that’s why I asked about that. Obviously you’re under no obligation to answer.

There seems to be such a strong societal expectation that once a woman has had children, her work never ends. Her only respite is to become too frail to help.

Lord this thread has me raging!

Firstly IF (and it's a big if) we should entertain some transactional element wrt looking after a woman in her old age depending on how much care she has given, then surely the care she gave bringing her own children up is what we would look at? The transaction should be 'you bought me up well, ergo i will do i can for you in your old age'

NOT 'if you don't help bring my kids up you can go to hell when you're old!!' 😡

OP i am late 50s and i too have 4 DCs . My youngest is still only 13 but my eldest is married with a toddler. Do i want to go back to whole days of nappies and noise? No thanks. Do i want to do regular school runs again in 3 years! NO!

I help out in an emergency and i love my GC, but i don't want to do regular child care. Son in laws parents are keener - but only one day a week.

I was a great mum and loved bringing my daughters up. And i love them all dearly. And i did a great job if i do say do myself! I had no help from anyone else and not want or expect it.

If any of my girls feel like helping out when i'm old and knackered i'll be grateful and happy. If not it's ok. Genuinely. I didn't have my kids in order to have an army of old age carers for me. And i (hope) don't think my girls will have babys based on how much other people can do for them.

My parents didn't, like most boomers we lived where the work was and where we could afford to live. Very few friends in my generation (born in the late 40's, or in the 50's) actually lived in the areas where they were brought up, we'd moved for education and work when we were 18 and I know no-one who moved back permanently.
I always paid for childcare, be it childminder, nursery or after-school help, and some years I effectively earned very little.
I'm happy to help out my DC but not to take on the whole load - that is up to them. A couple of times I've moved into their homes so that they could have a night or a few days away, and I'm willing to babysit or cover school runs if necessary - but not every day.
I don't feel at all guilty about this, I brought up 4 children myself, working full-time for most of the time, and didn't expect parental help.

You shouldn't have to delay your retirement. Your grandkids parents are unreasonable to assume that you're going to be automatically available once you're no longer working. Tell them that whilst you don't mind having the kids occasionally it's unfair to put you in a position of making yourself available just for their childcare needs. They can surely pay for after school clubs like a lot of parents have to for work needs

I guess it must be regional because where I was growing up the only families I knew that had day to day help from grandparents were struggling families. For example if mum had her kids very young or one of the parents was ill. Ad hoc babysitting and visits were more usual.

Also if you go back to when the boomers were children it was a completely different deal because kids played out unsupervised much younger. Being looked after by grandma could just mean playing in the street and going to hers for lunch. Now it would mean actually being supervised and entertained all day which is a much bigger ask of a 60 year old.

Whilst it’s right that you do what you want, I really don’t think you have an accurate picture of here.

Constantly picking up bugs? I have three kids and none of them were sicky small children. They’re 5, 6 and 8 now and I could count on one hand the number of times they’ve been physically sick, between them. My mum watched one of my children two days a week for two years and caught a bug from her once in that time.

It’s ok to not want to do it, but if your friends have genuinely been as impacted by childhood bugs as you say, then I should think their immune systems are compromised.

I had a different experience.

My own 4DC were ill regularly especially in nursery with numerous coughs, colds, conjunctivitis, chicken pox, molluscum contagiousm

All children are different.

All these posters falling over themselves to say that their male members of the family (grandads etc) did the child care and that its really common and not unusual at all, might want to read a thread now in AIBU where those posters are falling over themselves to say that children should never be left alone with anyone not the birth parents, particularly if male due to propensity for abuse.

Im aware of that thread and what you just suggested there is frankly disgusting and I hope you’re ashamed of yourself.

Have you quoted the wrong person?

What have I suggested that is disgusting?

You’re suggesting male carers - grandfathers - are potential abusers.

I think your comprehension needs improving

Im feeding back what people are saying on that thread, which if you are aware of it,, you'll have read for yourself.

@likelysuspect are you kidding? My comprehension is exceptional. Your inference is disgraceful. Own it. You intentionally linked the two threads. This one where people are “falling over themselves” to say males did caring and the other which is a concern about a grandfather spending time alone with a child behind closed doors.
Shocking.

Edited to add tag and clarity for anyone actually lacking comprehension and the ability to understand actually what you intended.

Then you're talking about something different to the OP's question then, aren't you? She ia talking specifically about childcare!

You sound awful.

Looking after someone who has become too frail to look after themselves and has already taken care of you when you were young is a completely different thing to providing childcare to help out able-bodied adults in the prime of your life. I pity your parents.

You don't need to pity them. I cared for my grandparents very well at the end of their lives and my parents will get the same love and care. My grandparents were very loved by all their children and grandchildren because they provided love and care to us. I pity the people who won't have what my grandparents had due to their lack of effort.

Im not going to respond to you any more except to say its laughably remarkable how wrong have you have got this, and showing yourself up with it. Sorry for you.

So you flagged a thread about concern a grandfather was being inappropriate with a young grand daughter on this thread - about childcare - mentioning that anyone “falling over themselves” to talk about how males being carers, should go and check that thread out. Can you therefore explain what you DID actually intend by that? I doubt you will. Or you’ll come back with some sort of other superior nonsense. Don’t worry. I see you. And so have the others who’ve liked my posts in reply to you.

Just reposting what you said …what exactly have I got ‘laughably remarkably’ wrong?

This is an example of how the expectations escalate and how you will end up running yourself ragged during retirement trying to keep all your kids happy.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5519393-to-think-being-a-single-parent-shouldnt-trump-everything

She is a SAHM and her husband works away and long house but earns enough for them to be comfortable and she stay at home but she upset that her parents don't help her as much as they help her sister who is a single mother and whose kids go to daycare 4 days a week.

I think you've completely misinterpreted that thread to be honest, their parents don't help out much at all, with either of them, one is offered it but doesn't need it, the other wants it but isn't given it, it's the parent's perception that the OP has it easy because she is a married SAHM, while the sister has it hard just because she is working single mother that is the issue.

It all boils down to the OP being fed up being a SAHM who's husband doesn't pick up the childcare slack when he is at home, so she, rightly, feels never gets a break, and when she complains to her parents they say her sister manages as a single working parent without needing help so why can't the OP manage as a SAHM without help?

It really has nothing to do with this thread at all.

Did your parents look after your DC at all on a regular basis? My Grandparents on my mums side did for weeks at a time. They would come and stay with us - cook, clean etc. However, my Nanny (Dads mum) occasionally looked after us or we would stay over and she only lived in the next village - totally different approaches and there were 6 of us.

I would love my mum to be able to, not weekly but certainly more often but she isn’t physically able to and she goes off on holiday for weeks at a time. Part of me resents her for it because of how amazing my Grandma was but I see how she is pain every day.

You should definitely set his expectations as you don’t deserve to do it all instead of him and his wife but it can work both ways! As you age or get sick, he may not want to look after you either…