to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

This thread has made me realise how lucky I was with my own dad. He was always hands on, a brilliant dad with us three and who then watched my oldest son two days a week as a Papa. He insisted as I was going back job share 2.5 days and was going to get a childminder (a particular one) , and he was offended that I hadn’t asked him 🤣. My Mum was still working. My MIL then heard my Dad was going to watch him 2.5 days and she got offended! So she had the half day.

HOWEVER, my dad had retired from the police and was only 49 and my MIL had been a SAHM since she had my husband (then another three boys) and was only 54.

Plus I didn’t ask. They offered. And he was the first grandchild on both sides.

Just to say some grand dads are good dads and papas.

BUT, I’m with the OP. She has 4 children, 9 grandchildren, is still working and deserves a restful retirement.

I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to help, even if it was just for one day out of seven?

@MauveQuail have you even read OP 's posts? She has NINE grandchildren. And four kids who are parents of them. Which of the nine is she going to have for that one day a week, and how on earth does she make that fair?

It's already been assumed by one child that she'll do school pick ups for their kids, and another has pencilled her in to look after her baby two days a week. I wonder what the other two days of parents have in mind for her?

She already helps out in an ad hoc way. Why can't she be left to continue doing that kind of caring, rather than having her retirement commandeered?

Probably as it’s just assumed that men go back to work and they don’t consider what will happen with childcare and that’s left to woman

You said: Says who though? It happened in my world. So who’s to say it’s not happening everywhere? Same with my sister. Dad did loads of childcare for her.

Your world is an even smaller microcosm of opinion and not demographically representative.

You have asked a lot of questions but still haven't answer the one I asked you.

You said I am actually interested in the moral basis for why you believe you should be able to have this particular type of very free retirement focused only on your own enjoyment.

Why do I need a moral basis to spend my retirement in the way I wish to?

God forbid you have any agency over your life OP

Have you had a chance to speak to them OP and explain your feelings since starting the thread?

they may be more understanding than you think.

I haven't spoken to them yet because that is their plans for me when I retire and I haven't made a decision for when I retire yet. I will stop mentioning any talk of retirement for now to them as that is what triggers the 'you can help with childcare' comments.

For them knowing I am not working makes them think I will be on hand to help whenever they want. Working gives me a protection against that. Once I have decided about retirement, then I will make it clear that I will not be free all the time.

It is a crime for a woman to do other than provide unpaid labour apparently.

Balmkmg women for railroading other women...

Have your friends reached the age of retirement and not learned the word "No" yet?

I'd say you are being unreasonable not because you don't want to do childcare but because instead of setting a clear boundary there and then, you come running to ask strangers about it.

I'd have just replied "no.... I said I want to retire... Not change career to become a free childminder" and would explain I've done my time parenting and now this is me time.

I'm gonna be the opposite and will be helping mine when the time comes (they're engaged but no children yet) but we all have the right to our own ideal retirement. But we need to be able actually stand up for ourselves and speak up....not think about carrying on working simply cos despite being a mother all these years we have no ability to use the word "no". Remember ladies.... No is a full sentence!

What is wrong with getting opinions about my situation?

I have learned a lot from this thread from other people.

How am I blaming women for railroading other women?

Those were your exact words...

Just out of interest why wouldn't you want to help? I totally understand not wanting to be a full time after school carer or looking after a little one all day. But I do find it hard to understand why you (or indeed your husband) would not want to help out from time to time? If you aren't working surely it's nice to spend time with your grandchildren? A few days in the holidays, odd pick up? They won't be going forever or want to hang out with you forever. Is it the assumption that is the problem?

Good idea. Might help to drop the convo for a bit so they forget and then sort their childcare!

I think she already does help as hoc (sorry if I’m wrong) it’s the regular stuff she’s less keen to do as there’s 9 kids and it would end up being FT.

my parents are the same. They are a godsend sometimes for as hoc help and will also ask to have them a few days in the holidays just to soend time with them. But they wouldn’t want to commit to certain days long term. Same with in laws. They’ve always been in hand but not regular.

but as a child I all didnt go to GPs regularly. Still ad hoc yes. But my parents arranged their work etc around us.

I do get that, but if it were me I'd say I'd do two pick ups a week and ad hoc. How much peace do you need in retirement? Surely a bit of structure and routine would be good for you? I just can't really understand to be honest why you wouldn't want to do that. I'd jump at the chance to spend time with them!

As much as she wants. I can’t believe the comments she is getting about not wanting to commit or be responsible for something for the first time in her life

I can’t answer for the OP but I think it’s just a case of everyone’s different!

some GPs love it and will do loads. Others don’t.

but in your example if OP said she’d do 2 pick ups per week. Which kids does she choose?! If there’s 9, some kids will get annoyed and it might case drama of unfairness. I don’t know but just a guess.

at the end of the day she doesn’t want to.

I think if you can’t make it fair that is likely to be such a big issue. And how can you be fair with so many young grandchildren?

I am so surprised though that many posters can’t understand that people are different and enjoy different things 🤷‍♀️. It is as if they can’t even imagine it.

Show me.

I already help out and spend time with the grandchildren. That is completely different to looking after a baby for a few days every week and doing school pick ups.

That is hard work.

Is there a restriction on how much peace I am allowed in retirement?

What makes you think I don't have plans for myself?

That is lovely that you would jump at the chance but I have 9 grandchildren. Not everybody is the same. I just can't understand why you don't realise everyone does not think like you or want the same things.

Which two of the nine should she pick up?