to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

As you age or get sick, he may not want to look after you either… - there we go with the veiled threat.

When are grandfathers told this as well?

Dunning Kruger personified. It was perfectly clear that the commenter you replied to was referring to the perceptions of others on that thread.
Honestly you're embarrassing yourself.

Stop digging. Really. You are making a complete idiot of yourself and the ' I'm right, I have likes' makes you sound about 12.

Aren’t you clever…Dunning Kruger. Ha. She linked the two. The inference was if you’re having your kids looked after by a male and “falling over yourself” to tell people here, you’d better go and check what others are saying about how dangerous that is because of potential for abuse. I don’t feel embarrassed by the fact I noticed that. So your attempt to belittle me failed.

The thread is being derailed now. Let's move on.

Please...enough!

I think people are missing the point, op is not saying she will not look after the children when needed or spend time with them, she is saying she doesn’t want to feel pressured into having a childcare schedule every week when she retires, and that’s ok

Exactly!

But people use words like mean, selfish and embittered to describe older women who do not want to do childcare.

people use words like mean, selfish and embittered to describe older women who do not want to do childcare

So what? The only relevant people are the ones putting expectations on YOU.. if that is your DDs, DILS, DSs or DSILs then you need to address that within your own family.

Generalised comments about women being expected to do things, men not being expected to do things etc, women being called names for not bending to pressure is all completely irrelevant to the problem YOU are having, but if your children HAVE grown up thinking those views are normal, and are now trying to apply them to you, then maybe you need to question why? And put steps in place to correct them!

It should not be presumed you will do it. My friend while she enjoys it 4 full days said her days are tied. I meet her saturdays for coffee. Then your other kids are asking too....

Why? Because of places like MN is why. And every single " everything is all our parents' generation's fault" online comment
because of course it is🙄
Including your comment about asking yourself why your adult children expect something.
They don't grow up in a bloody bubble, y'know.

So you think they want to treat her like a skivvy because of what they read online? You're looking too far from home. To be honest, I find people like OP infuriating in some ways and it is absolutely nothing to do with kids buying into the "everything is our parents fault" rubbish.

Her children expect her to give them free childcare (she has said that on here in those words), she also says the only barrier in the present time is the fact that she is busy working. That in itself is a problem, but she ALSO seems to think that saying no is not an option? That they won't accept that she is perfectly entitled to a life outside of raising and looking after their multiple children every day, and she must also be under the impression that there will be consequences for saying no (otherwise what is the problem setting healthy boundaries?).

I'm sorry, but if your kids are so self obsessed that they don't care about your happiness, wellbeing, or are even prepared to graciously accept what you want your own life to be, and you have no ability to set perfectly healthy boundaries around their entitlement, then there is a fundamental problem within that relationship.

why not partially retire? Go part time? Don’t tell anyone… 😜

This sounds a good idea!

Just go out to work in the morning and take a change of clothes and meet your friends.. if anyone spots you you can say you’re on a days flexi or annual leave 🤣🤣🤣

Our adult children don’t yet have children but they have all moved away for university and stayed away as I did. I grew up with grandparents a 3h drive away and our parents were at least 2 hours away so I always saw grandparents as people you visit with your family and who visit you not people who do childcare. That was parents or childminders.

This was my experience too. It was a family visit to see grandparents or for them to visit us.

I take days off now and don't usually tell the DC otherwise they end up asking me to do childcare!

Same here I grew up in the Eighties

I play a lot of tennis and golf and there are some lovely women whom have definitely been caught by their children for odd day childcare.

They are not providing full-time care but the creep on their time has grown.

One joined a golf away social team and used that to carve out one day that she wasn't available, to pained faces from her two daughters when they heard.

Another joined a tennis tournament competition with our club that has her away regularly at the weekend, again to carve out free time.

It is annoying to have lay markers down in your own week, to have free time.

It is why some people love their holidays.

The OP is 100% correct to be mulling this over now, BEFORE she actually retires, because the expectations and entitlement can creep up on you which can make a hard conversation difficult and upsetting for those being told!

So many women are conditioned to keep the peace, that they do it, rather than upset children that are still depending on them so much, despite being adults.

Having young children and juggling work is very busy.
I think it is even more of a shock for young couples if they have had years of travel, holidays, eating out a lot, stags, hens, to suddenly not having that disposable income anymore because of childcare and all the running around involved.

40 years ago not everyone had that pre children lifestyle.

So much easier to manage expectations now before she retires that after when they have gotten comfortable with mum being at the end of the phone.

It is very clear the OP, despite working is already called upon, and it just such grandmothers that can find their lives swallowed up by the expectations of their children without so much as a conversation to check whether or not that was actually how she wanted to spend her retirement.

I agree with the suggestion of writing a bucket list and pin it somewhere that everyone can clock YOUR plans.

As @Squareblack says - I have an active social life. If my DC asked for childcare I would say yes or no depending on what I was doing that day. They certainly wouldn't be able to use me for a regular school run but I'd always be happy to help them out when I was free. But like OP, I would absolutely resent a regular commitment.

This is exactly how it happens. People keep saying have boundaries. I will have boundaries but those expectations remain.

Your daughter is assuming you would retire and then be her childcare. She feels entitled to your time and energy, or she would ask you, not assume and tell you what you'd be doing. And you have multiple grandkids.

Manage the expectations of childcare with her now. Talk about moving. Talk about favoritism. Talk about being done.

Keep working for now. Talk about moving and downsizing and get going with things to do and your own activities. Just be less available for your kids to hang these expectations onto.

I see it all around me. One of my neighbours has done daily childcare for years and she's really too frail now but the kids are over there everyday after school and on the holidays. She's been worked into the ground with her grandkids.

I have a friend doing childcare whose daughter is very judgemental of her, scolding her for "bad choices" like giving them a McDonald's and a few years ago, cut off contact with her, only to restore it when she wanted somethingm Another one who travels up North to take care of her grandaughters in school holidays and is met by sullen silence when she arrives and not even the offer of a cup of tea, plus rude treatment by the grandaughters and two out of control rescue dogs. Sod that. Plus you have all these adult children threatening to go "no contact" if you don't accede to their demands. Nah.

Work is a great excuse. Im not free. Would imagine if retired it just gets presumed you are doing it. My friend is tired but the more she does.. its not easy. My mam never helped had reared her own