to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

I have even been asked what is the moral basis of me wanting a relaxed free retirement!

This is what I don't get. Surely adults can understand that not everyone would jump at the chance to do lots of care for young granchildren!

Probably all of them as how much peace and quiet do I need in retirement 😂

Imagine asking that!

DD is 19 (doesn’t have plans to have kids anytime soon) and knows that I have no plans to be her default childcare. She and whoever she has kids with will have to figure out childcare without my input. I am there for fun stuff and emergencies only. I would not put off retirement for fear of my child’s expectations on my free time, hell nah!

You've had 4 kids and run your own business. You come across as an active, intelligent woman who has probably been successful in many ways, not just in family and work.
Your kids sound self centred if their response to your retirement plans is list what chores you could do for them.
If I take a week off my kids say, lovely, what are your plans. They have overstepped in the past, and definitely more to me, their mum than their dad. I agree this falls to women more. But, because I'm their mum, (and I extend this to dads) part of the job of parenting is teaching them how to navigate good relationships which includes not being a doormat but also not treating other people (me) like one.
They might become parents or grandparents someday so modelling those roles, having a conversation about empathy and respect matters and definitely stand your ground. They need to see you as the person you are and not just a mum. Toddlers do that but by the time mine were teens, I've had to do a lot of redrawing of boundaries. Its all part of growing up and spreading your wings.

The 3rd paragraph of your post i think a lot of people picked up on as it mentions DDs and DILs railroading and ignores the silence of the dads and granddads. This is a huge societal issue and perpetuates the women against themselves whether old v young or rich v poor. I personally make a choice to not engage with it. I would never put my friends down or undermine them but its anecdotal, not factual.

I do not disagree. The railroading is anecdotal. That has been the experiences of my friends. I am not saying every DD/DIL does this.

They have overstepped in the past, and definitely more to me, their mum than their dad. I agree this falls to women more.

This is what tend to happens. If the DC have an issue now and I am not working they will come to me first. Everybody says keep saying no but it is often a different dynamic with mums as opposed to dads.

But there's an upside to that, for me at least. I'm closer to them, they talk to me more, they want to share the big and the little moments with me. And yes, I occasionally still have to push back but because we have a strong relationship, they check themselves and say sorry. And vice versa! I make mistakes too

Hi op can I ask how old you are if you don’t mind I have read all of your post but not sure I’ve seen an age. Thanks.

Early 60s.

Thanks from a personal point of seeing friends and family members die that young I would be saying don’t put it off too long or go part time now without telling family members and if needs be you want or need to fully retire I would say to your family look life is too short I no longer wish to work but I don’t wish to start any further childcare duties I’m getting on I’ve given you and work everything now I want to enjoy what time I have left and I’m being totally honest with you all I’m too old to do more than I do for you all and if you see this as selfish I’m sorry you feel that way but I don’t have it in me to take of babies and your all doing ok so you can’t expect that to change when I retire. Op please don’t leave it until it’s too late to enjoy it and if the cheeky fuckery creeps in you tell them you have plans they should be respectful of you to know this is what you want.

That is good advice. Thank you. I really appreciate it. I do need to think abut the bigger picture just beyond what my DC would prefer.

Speaking from the child's point of view here. I was never babysat by either side of grandparents and only saw them on holidays. However, I was extremely close to both my maternal grandparents and my paternal grandmother. I often went to stay with my grandparents or my grandmother, and was the favourite grandchild. Not saying anything about my brothers and cousins, just that they wanted to tear around and be noisy all the time whereas I was happy to sit down with a book when quiet time was required.
Despite only seeing my grands on holidays or at Christmas, I was very close to them and still miss them dearly. Grandparents don't have to be on call childcare to be close with grandchildren. In fact, seeing them only on special occasions made our relationship closer.

This reminds me of when a few years ago I told my teenage at the time daughter (now 22) that when I retire I’m going to rent my house out and go travelling. She looked horrified and said “who’s going to look after my children?!!!” I replied “you are!!”

I’m 58 and I have also brought up 4 children mostly as a single parent and my eldest is 33 and my youngest is still only 16. By the time I retire I am likely to only just have stopped paying for uni a few years before and may still have a young person at home after uni if she struggles to move out.

I will absolutely be travelling and doing what I want in my late 60s/70s before I’m too old to do it!

It is the expectations of women that never seem to end. Also it seems to be so ingrained that even your teenage daughter was already expecting you to do the childcare.

they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

Your exact words, OP. 🙄

It was what my friends said not me 🙄

I have already clarified that numerous times on this thread 🙄

Not sure bringing UK Judeo-Christian tradition on the roles of women is the counter argument you think it is to OPs point....

You've made an entire thread based on the premises of this line....

Yes the thread is all about one line 🙄

Well it's a bit pointless otherwise... you grow a pair at 60yrs of age and learn to say no, or you go around telling your friends your daughters / DILs railroaded you into childcare

Great advice 🙄

My parents and in laws always had excellent relationships with my children. Neither provided childcare on a regular basis. When I started a family I made sure my finances were stable so I didn’t need to ask them for regular help. I also helped a lot when MIL was dying, I did this because I wanted to not because I was repaying a favour. Small children are really hard work. My DD’s are early 20’s now and I’m mid 40’s. I loved being a mum more than anything but now I’m older I don’t really enjoy spending time with small children. I’ll adore any grandchildren that enter my world and I’ll do anything to help my DD’s but I won’t commit to regular childcare.

Which of the nine grandchildren children will she pick up on those two days?
That kind of offer will simply cause resentment in the three of her children that she's not helping.

Not sure I was trying to make a counter point but I would love to see a discussion on this topic with a bit more depth. And if the conversation is stuck (as it seems to be) at op’s and her friends’ children saying they “should” look after the grandkids, and their replies that they “should” have a completely free retirement then one way to move that forward is to dig into the moral assumptions behind those different shoulds. Doing so might give more strength to her boundaries, for example, which she has expressed concern about having constantly challenged. The reason I mentioned Christian morality is to prevent claims that a long protected retirement is traditional or obvious or always been that way. But you’re probably right that it wasn’t helpful.