To ask how to get out of a big social event

[CurdinHenry]

In-law massive family/ I have crippling social anxiety and have done all my life/ it's in the middle of nowhere and I am DONE / if it were my family id say no but moot as my family is tiny and wouldn't have a massive event ever.

Would upset my husband to just say no so I just need a reason.

Currently wondering if it's possible to sustain a very minor on purpose injury that puts me in minor injuries just before departure time but that's probably excessive.

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

Please talk to your husband and make this event manageable for you. A decent partner would listen and help. Maybe set up a room you can retreat into, or strict time limits on when you will be with the family. Faking an injury isn't OK.

Sorry, I can’t come.

Works well every time for me.

Oh no, I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Please don’t hurt yourself over something like this. If you need an out, it’s okay to take one - say you’re unwell, have a migraine, or just aren’t up to it.
I do want to say this gently though - if your first thought is hurting yourself to avoid a social situation, that sounds really distressing, and you deserve some support with that. I hope you would consider getting some help.

You've already got a reason.

If your husband actually knows you, it should come as no surprise that you have crippling social anxiety, surely?

Are you getting help for your anxiety? This was my mum and the number of things she spoilt with her anxiety was many.

Time to have D&V ...Norovirus going about?

Oh he knows perfectly well how I feel he just doesn't want to disappoint his mother and he would never force me to go but he'd be really mopey and sad and then I'd have to manage his feelings and as per op I am DONE.

His family have never once in decades stopped to think wait might this be a nightmare for her. Maybe extreme social anxiety is quite niche it's not like I'm lazy or can't be bothered I'm in a state of pre panic.

I used to think it was good for me to push myself and I guess maybe it was a bit but enough I've done sufficient personal growth I just want to not be tortured by fear because mil thinks we are all five years old still and should like everything she likes.

I think the classics are tbf the best so it probably will have to be

Thanks for being kind it's not as disturbing as I maybe made it sound (well maybe it is if you don't live in my head, sorry) it's just the level of pain this sort of thing causes me is worse and simply saying no actually isn't an option because of how other people will inevitably react. I'm hardly a core guest so it seems arrogant to fuss about it but you know how it goes people get hassle for just not doing what everyone else is doing. It's not like I don't like the people I do but I can't handle groups of more than about four.

Yabu. You're not responsible for your DH feelings or your MILs feelings. Be honest and make it their turn to do some personal growth - on their levels of compassion and understanding to others. Hold fast to your boundaries. You've got this 💞

Edited to add - just be honest and tell the truth. Say you're not well. Say you have debilitating anxiety and it's a big challenge, but you and dh are otherwise well and hope they have a nice time.

Just say you can’t make it. And you don’t have to manage your husband’s feelings - he’s not a child.

See it's not actually necessarily a medical condition it can be an aspect of permanent personality. I don't think I should have to dope myself up, I'm not trying to cancel anything except my own presence. Thanks for illustrating the "she's ruined everything!" reactions perfectly though.

MIL will expect you're lying so do some growth and say "No I'm not comfortable".

Are there any conditions under which you would go?

Social anxiety can seem like you're being difficult to people who don't understand. Is it worth sending some information to MIL.

So your 'D'H and MIL are emotionally abusive? That's not OK.

If you say you can't/don't want to do something like this, they should accept it with good grace.

Came to say the same. You could not possibly go and risk spreading it to everyone. Bonus points if you ask DH to nip and get extra toilet paper before he goes.

So his mum can’t be disappointed, but it’s ok for you to experience crushing anxiety? Fuck that OP. Just say no. The more times you say it, the easier it gets.

Are you getting any help for your anxiety? Not to please others by attending their events, but to help with things you’d maybe like to do that it stops you from doing. I know it’s not easy, anxiety is awful. 💐

Social anxiety is very different to just being an introvert. Don't minimise people who have clinical anxiety. Clinical anxiety is debilitating.

like most people in my experience, they like parties and whatnot and think it's impossible to imagine anyone would be scared of them. Trust me, barely anyone is empathetic about this. My best friend (a generally pretty empathetic person including about mental health issues) still invites me to her birthday party every fucking year with no side note about how she knows it will be awful for me.

And yes I know this is arguably self centred it's HER birthday I agree but I can't just not be me for the day.

Firstly you already have your reason not to attend and your DH and MIL should respect that and support you.

Secondly, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, I really hope that you are getting some kind of support to try to help overcome this so you can attend, and enjoy, events like this in future

You can say no. Your husband can deal with his own feelings and mother issues, and fuck what others think. Your job is to look after yourself and not do things that cause you great distress and anxiety. Why would your husband want you to do this? He should support you, go by himself and just say you're not well.

Time to have D&V ...Norovirus going about?

I'd be really pissed off if someone turned up to an event I was at and announced he'd left his wife at home with possible norovirus, because I'd think he almost certainly had it himself and would be spreading it around to all the guests.

This. I've stopped giving a reason unless for example, I'd like to go but I'd need a lift as I can't drive.

If you can’t be honest with your husband and his family who can you be honest with.

“So sorry I won’t be able to make it tonight. My anxiety is really rearing its head and it just wouldn’t be in my best interest to attend tonight. I hope you all have a lovely time and I’ll see you all soon.”

Maybe you could seek therapy for your anxiety - perhaps CBT would be useful.
For the particular event, say that you're having a flare up of a long term health condition, you don't have to say it's mental health.

I'd be really pissed off with people who trot out ridiculous excuses like this for things they don't want to or are unable to do.