AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

[Heartford]

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage.

The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

It is disrespectful for your marriage and your husband should absolutely decline

I imagine you made it clear to B that you disapproved, so why would he invite you? He is still your husband's friend.

I'd disapprove too, but you've made your bed with that one. If your husband wants to go, he should. I'd be a bit sad he didn't judge his friend a little but that's his relationship to manage.

You don’t want to go and wouldn’t go

This chap is his best mate, of course he’s not going to stop socialising with him because you disapprove

I can’t believe your DH can’t see how toxic this is.

You made your approval know so it goes without saying why your not invited

if you trust your husband then it’s a non issue

You don't like the guy so what's your beef? You wouldn't go anyway and cutting off your H from his friends is controlling.

So your DH is invited as a plus one for a single woman? And he accepts the invitation? It’s a no from me.

It's a bit creepy and controlling to dictate who your husband may or may not socialise with. I cant imagine many women would let their husband dictate their friendships, or insist they only go out as a couple. The divide of leisure time between the two of you should be equal though, YANBU about that.

I wouldn't necessarily be bothered by being left out, but the fact that he invited a single woman to the dinner makes it seem like he's setting your husband up with her. Even if you trust your husband, it feels disrespectful.

Basically your DH is going on a date with another woman and his friend has arranged it for him.

No I would be telling him if he goes on this date then don't bother coming back.

I wonder what else your H gets up to with this friend who had no respect for his own marriage and clearly has no respect for yours

The fact that your H condoned his friend's cheating shows he has absolutely no moral boundaries about men being unfaithful to their wives. I wouldn't trust him OP

Dh needs to wise up and get some morals, and build friendships with better men.

This!

@Heartfordi can absolutely understand you not wanting to maintain a friendship with this man but your husband wants to. It therefore makes absolute sense that they socialize without you.

You might not like it but you can’t control who your husband chooses to be friends with.

I do agree you shouldn’t be left doing everything but that’s a separate issue and you need to decide what it is you are most upset about because it won’t help to conflate issues.

You are the company you keep …

Isn’t the +1 for B?

If they are best friends it wouldn’t bother me (much) as I wouldn’t go. I don’t think you can dictate what DH does but the +1 set up would annoy me.

YANBU. It's the "unintentional" pairing of your DH with a single woman. I wouldn't be entirely happy with DH having so much to do with a cheater but I understand that's my beef not his.

But why assume the single woman there for the OP's dh's benefit if the friend is single?

I've said YANBU, but in this particular instance. I wouldn't havevan issue with hime going out for a drink with his friend, but going out to parties/dinners is too much.

You need to reframe this. It’s not about what B does, it’s about what your husband does. He wants to stay friend with B, and that’s ok, it’s his choice. I would be pointing out how odd it is that B is effectively inviting a date for your husband. Repeatedly. Groups where everyone is mingling,mix of singles and couples? Of course. Couples, and matching up a couple of singles, rather odd. I’d point out it’s odd fairly frequently so your husband keeps it in mind. Ask whether he invites single men as well, so make up the numbers, or does he always invite a woman ‘for’ your husband?

I’d ask DH to decline this invitation. Whether he understands your reasons or not, he needs to put you above this sleazy, womanising friend in this situation. It’s horrible that a single woman has been invited along for your DH.

Because I'm not inclined to give a cheater the benefit of the doubt?

I read this that there was B, your DH, a woman and 3 x couples is that not the case? Why would B invite a single woman for your DH ( unless he’s asked him to hook him up?). I think the bigger problem is the amount of hours you’re working and your childcare / chores split not about one night out that you don’t even want to go on.

Maybe the single woman at the party is someone B is interested in? I wouldn’t expect my DH to end this friendship, even if it made me feel uncomfortable. And I wouldn’t expect the friend to invite me out when he knows I don’t approve of him. I also wouldn’t drop a friend for cheating on their spouse. It’s an awful thing to do, but people are very complicated.

But surely you are allowed to go out too with your own friends?

You are the company you keep, and your husband is choosing that.

Weird everyone is saying the single woman is for your husband? Surely she's for B?

Him going out with his mate without you - fine.

him going out on a couples night with another woman - not fine.

i think there’s two issues here that are being confused. I don’t think it’s controlling to not want your dh to go on a date set up by his single friend.