To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

I genuinely apologise for not having RTFT. I was only able to read the first few pages as was dealing with some very traumatised patients at work, feeling v distressed myself by it, and just popped on here on a 5 min tea break in order to take my mind off things for a minute… But on reflection I shouldn’t have posted if I’d not had time to read the final few pages. It was poor judgement on my part, and I’ll consider your comment a learning curve for going forwards in the way I interact with the forum.

I agree he probably won't move out he's got far too comfortable living with her and watching her do everything for all their kids. I bet he probably moved out of his mother's or something. He'd probably been there since splitting with his teen sons mum. He's then moved on to OP and had three more kids with her whilst living cushty at mummys not doing fuck all for those next kids he's created. I can imagine if his mother has grown a sense of decency she's probably chucked him out and packed him off to finally take some responsibility for the three kids he shares with OP. If she kicked him out he'd probably have nowhere to go. Wonder why his 14year old would want to go move into OPs house knowing there's no room for him though. If I was the OP I'd probably speak to step sons mum to find out why her son wants to leave hers to sleep on a sofa in an already overcrowded household

That is not the child’s fault. The only person being punished by not allowing him to live with his father, is the child. Why should a child have to suffer as a consequence of bad choices and decisions made by adults? If the father is a shit dad then why does OP stay with him at all?? Cannot punish his son if she’s choosing to stay with this man who she claims is a shit dad 🙄 edited to add: he’s a total deadbeat lazy dad yet she continued having more children with this man rather than stopping at the 1. It would have been immediately apparent what kind of father he was after the first one, why then go on to have 2 more with him

We don’t know why he only moved in a year ago. Maybe it was the OP that didn’t want him to move in earlier? Maybe it was benefits related? You are making an assumption that it was the partner who resisted living with his youngest 3 children.

Just click read all of op posts if cba to read all replies

Despite what some posters on here think, you can use a forum in any way you wish.

someone has also just cattily replied to a poster saying you should have read the replies…despite about 200 people before them already having replied and said the same. So the thread police get it wrong too sometimes ❤️

When me and my husband had similar circumstances . Lots of children in a small 3 bedroom council house with 2 more on a weekend . We used triple bunks and double bed bunks made for adults to created more space and we bought sofa beds and gave up our bedroom for the children .

Yabu. His son has a right to live with his dad.

Well said, this is exactly what should happen. You sound like a great mum 🥰 people should not enter into relationships with people who have kids if they are not willing to take on that child as their own. What would happen if the other parent for some reason was physically unable to look after the child. When you take on a step child there is always a possibility that child might have to come live with you full time. OP says her partner is a crap dad but yet she is literally encouraging him to be a crap dad saying he can only have his kid 2 days a week 🤷‍♀️

Hi I am a bit late to this but you are not being unreasonable at all. I have been in your exact situation. In terms of practically and space it simply won't work. If he lives with you full time he also brings everything he owns so where does that go? Also a 14 year old squeezed in somewhere or on a sofa will become a 20 plus year old on a sofa...completely different. I think using emotional blackmail saying its his son etc is not helpful either. The house and the space available doesn't change x

As a lot of posters have already suggested, a 14yr old can’t call the shots, and even if he had a preference to live with Dad rather than Mum, a court could not force Dad to take him.

But surely (irrespective of whether the 14 year old is there full or part time), the OP and her partner should be securing adequate housing for their children? They are already overcrowded and the toddler cannot sleep with them forever. 6 kids and 2 adults in a 3 bed just isn't feasible long term.

Very sad that you think a court should have to “force” a man to take his own son in. The court don’t have to force him because he wants his son to live with him. Wanting to live with your own dad and siblings is not “calling the shots” 🤣 OP should not have entered into the relationship without thinking through the consequences knowing he already had a child. Or perhaps if they had no room for the kids they already had, they should not have had more children

Seriously? I hope this is your attempt at wit.

Maybe he isn't getting on with his mum and likes the OP better. Maybe he likes the idea of living with his half siblings. Maybe it has nothing to do with his dad at all.

And in this country, 14 year olds don't get to choose big decisions like this on their own. Lots of kids would likevto live somewhere else but the adults have to make decisions based on what is right for everyone.

OP does not owe this boy a full-time place in her home. There is novroom and it could lead to so many problems, affect all the other kids...

As the song says "you can't always get what you want"!

Hi op I know everyone is saying yabu but I wouldn't want it either with so many kids in the house already... surely his son is better off staying at mums assuming their house isn't full to bursting?

Haven’t read all the comments but have read everything from OP.
You can’t stop SS living with his Dad so the “it will work out” attitude of your DP is quite reasonable. It has got to work out, There no alternative to you making it work.
Having said that though, you do need more space - a bigger house, council or private - or two houses. A separate house nearby where DP can live with his son for a while would be my choice. It isn’t for ever. If SS is 14 then realistically he only needs looking after for another 4 years when everything can be reviewed. Also he might choose to go back to his mum when things have calmed down a bit. These teenage years are very important. Please don’t encourage your DP to reject/neglect his son at this important stage in his life as the long term consequences might be considerable.
Also please don’t think I am unsympathetic to your plight. I”m not, I know what a struggle a full house can be.

Until he is 18 he is legally a minor and is therefore the responsibility of his parents. Whatever his reasons for wanting to live with his dad, the child is his dad’s (and therefore also his dad’s partner’s) responsibility and therefore they DO owe him a place to live. I do hope you don’t have kids if you truly believe parents don’t “owe” their kids somewhere to live. This is not a case of getting what he wants. It’s a case of not being allowed to live with his own father and his siblings even though OP’s kids are all allowed to live there.

I completely agree but people tend to overlook common sense and practicalities when step children are involved. Its not like he's on the streets, he currently lives with his Mum!

And why did the OP allow a man to move in with her and her children without having room for that child? Two adults here that have put their own needs and wants before those of their children. They are both disgraceful.

But it is not just up to the child is it. His Dad wants them to live together. And dad thinks they can make it work. I agree with Dad on this occasion.

It wasn’t that I CBA to read the final few pages, but I only 5 mins whilst at work between patients, so ran out of time.

I always usually make a point of RTFT. Yesterday was a very difficult day and an exception. But I’ve learnt my lesson.

Isn’t it quite irresponsible to have more kids than the number you want in your house? OPs partner’s son should have been included in their calculations of how many kids they wanted living in the house because there is always a possibility that your partners kids might have to live with you full time at any given time (what if something happened to the child’s mother for example). If you enter a relationship with someone who has a child, that child by default becomes your responsibility. Why didn’t OP have one less child knowing she didn’t want more than 5 children in the house and knowing her partner already had 1 child?

Also the fact that the child would prefer to live somewhere where he has to sleep on the sofa than live with his mother suggests there are issues and he clearly isn’t having a great time living with his mother

But the Dad still hasn't specified HOW it will work. Although the OP is very clear WHO will be doing the extra work.

How unbelievably selfish