To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

We have discussed swapping bedrooms around a lot - is there a living room that is substantially larger than one of the bedrooms? Could your family living room be put into a smaller room upstairs - the one that the older boys are in now - and the three older boys then get the downstairs room that was the living room (partitioned up in to bays for privacy).

I work in a diverse area that looks at GDP spend. We could divert a lot more money into public services that benefit everyone if only those who actually need the welfare state use it. Welfare spending GDP share is 10% and growing. We need to contain welfare state spending to benefit people who are really in need.

i have never needed welfare, thankfully. My childcare has been free from my mum which I recognise is very fortunate. I am responsible for all my dependents, including my husband who earns minimum wage.

I suspect it’s because the OP probably is sheepish to admit that she has two DC’s, same sex, who currently have a nice bedroom each, and she wouldn’t want to put them out by asking them to share, to create room for their step-DB who is currently sleeping on the sofa like an unwanted itinerant. That poor lad. This kind of shit treatment of kids by parental disinterest at an already difficult age is often irreversible. Things are probably already not great at his mums, if he’s wanting to move into an environment with unwilling step-mum and her children who occupy the space.

Poor kid 😔

I don't believe you. The way you're going on on this thread it's pretty obvious you feel shame about claiming benefits as a single mother so you're taking that out on some random on the internet.

It's ok. You don't have to pretend.

It's almost as if you've jumped to conclusions and not bothered to RTFT or even the OPs responses.

OP has said she has 5 kids... 2 older boys sharing, 2 middle boys sharing and a female toddler in her room. The SS either sleeps on the couch or shares with the older 2 boys (similar age) but this apparently causes arguments.

It looks to me like a DP problem. Because:

"weve been together on and off about 10 years not all living together that whole time though"

"house is a 3 bed council house in clacton and its in my name (tenancy) DP lives here with me"

"he moved in properly about just over a year ago before that it was more staying alot but not full time if that makes sense"

"DP does contribute but not 50/50 and no he doesnt do equal with kids if im honest I do most of it which is why im saying “it will work out” worries me because that usually means me sorting it"

"DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense"

An on-off relationship, he moved in 'properly' only a year ago - what if this relationship moves from 'on' to 'off' again? Would @DuvetInTheDaytime then be left with his son while her on-off-P buggers off into the sunset again? I don't think that's in this boy's best interests.

On-off-P already "doesnt do equal with kids" and he wants to add another child to the mix? The 3-bed house is already pretty full (bed1: OP, DP, DD2; bed2: DS15, DS12; bed3: DS9 DS6) so that DSS14 "either goes on sofa or squeezes in which already causes issues". Yet the best on-off-P can offer up is "its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants" but with no input of how to make that work permanently (and I'm still not sure how permanent on-off-P is himself).

"DP just keeps saying it will work out but im the one that ends up sorting everything (good, washing, school stuff etc) so thats why im stressing about it"
"It will work out" just isn't good enough. How? How can too many children for the number of bedrooms available 'work out'? It won't. And it's pretty clear this not-very-hands-on-dad will just leave it all to OP to 'work out', and that's just not bloody fair!

"someone asked why SS wants to move its not anything extreme like abuse or anything like that its more hes not getting on with his mum at the moment (teenage stuff I think) but that could change again"
That's not a good enough reason for DSS14 to move into his dad's DP's house (because let's face it, it's not really his dad's house, it's OP's - his dad only moved in 'properly' a year ago). I'd be pointing out to DSS14 that whatever problems he's got with his mum (probably boundaries) he's going to have with me too, because I'll be enforcing boundaries too. And it would be OP having to enforce boundaries with this boy because on-off-P "doesnt do equal with kids if im honest I do most of it".

Bottom line for me - on-off-P can have his son living with him, but he'll have to find somewhere else for the two of them to live, because there isn't room in OP's house. He's got a bloody cheek trying to throw his weight about. I somehow doubt this man moving out would be much of a loss.

Aren't you lucky to get the free childcare from your mum. I work and raise 3 kids alone and work whilst paying for childcare to accommodate my working hours which don't fully fit around my kids school hours. Surely you must claim some kind of UC if you have kids unless yours and your husband's wages are high enough to wipe out any UC you'd be entitled to. But since you state your husband earns minimum wage I guess your working income isn't massively high. I work 30 hours a week on average and still get some UC each month for me and my kids. I raised 5 alone when I divorced my husband but two have now grown up and moved out. To be fair 5 kids on nothing but benefits is only just about doable if there's no wages coming in as there would be benefit caps in place plus the two child cap would still be in place until the end of this month as the DWP has only just scrapped that. Even with that two child cap lifted though she's still probably only going to be a few quid a month better off unless her or her partner work and earn enough to remove those caps

This is a good idea. None of the earlier arguing about benefits actually addresses the problem.

Your post suggests you think almost everyone gets uc, i really doubt that’s the case. Not saying there’s anything wrong in getting but I find your assumption strange

@SapphireSeptember

I wasn’t aware anyone asked for your opinion.
Oh wait HAHAHA - nobody did.

I hope you have a lovely day. The sun is shining, the roses are blooming and all we have to worry about is Trump and Netanyahu and Iran and Lebanon.
Oh - and Donald and the Pope (which is the dumbest one-sided criticism since, well, you).

Amen!

Theres a lot left out, how old is he? Do you have children with DP, what age, genders and how many other children are living in the home currently?
Also is the house jointly owned or joint tenants?

I would never want to be married to a man who didn't give his child a full time home if they wanted and/or needed it, so many men have kids and then walk away thinking they are not obligated to build their life around that child until adulthood, it may be inconvenient and it may be stressful to have him full time, but having kids is basically generally inconvenient and stressful and that's what he signed up for. when you have a child there doesn't come a point when you don't owe that child a home and care when they need it, at least while they are still a child. Why do you think a father shouldnt have their child living with them if that's what the child wants? What are the child's reasons to want to leave their mother's house?

@LouiseK93 you need to read all of OP’s posts. There are 6 children in total

Thsnk you :)

At first I thought you were BU but after seeing you explain all this im on your side. Really wouldn't be practical. If DP wants son to live with him then he needs to find a home for them both.

It’s that age old response YOU KNEW HE HAD A CHILD WHEN YOU MARRIED HIM! It’s his son. He has a right to live in his Dad’s home if his Dad approves. You have no right to say no….

And?! That’s on them, this son already existed and certainly wasn’t the one who decided to have too many kids than they could fit in their house.

There is genuinely not space for him to move in full time. DD is 2 and will need own room soon and no space for that either.

@sittingonabeach was literally just answering the questions posed by Lousie k93.. there's no reason for you to be getting at her. She literally didn't even have an opinon in that post

I said most working parents do not that everyone gets it. UC replaced the working families tax credits and child tax credits that unless people earned too much were entitled to those if they have kids

I think your house may already be "officially" overcrowded, OP, and if it isn't, it probably will be once your oldest is 16 and therefore entitled to their own bedroom.

In an ideal world, of course you and your DP should be able to accommodate his son, but we're not in that world, sadly. Have you considered applying to the council for a transfer to a bigger property? If not, it would be worth looking into.

As things stand though, I really can't see that it's feasible to add another child into such a crowded home.

This. I wouldn't allow anyone to tell my DC couldn't live with me. Would you allow your partner to tell you your DC couldn't live with you OP? If not then you have no right to tell him his child can't live with him.

Six kids?

how many kids at his mums? How bad is it there rhat he want to live in your overcrowded council house?

poor kid!

That's a very full house already and the 14yo sleeping on the sofa or sharing with non bio brothers is not a long term solution. The older boys will all need space to study and relax, its a crucial age. You're not being unreasonable in asking "how would we realistically make this work?" Also, the boys mother would probably not be pleased, so unless her home is even less suitable she is not going to agree.