To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Hi @DuvetInTheDaytime i know you may not read this but I totally get where you’re coming from.

Where is he going to go if he moves in full time?

Also, sounds like generally your DP needs to step up and do more practical parenting.

If his DS is trying to move there because he is not getting along with his Mum, it may not be the right thing - if he is playing her up and she is trying to be firm, then it is better he stays there rather than you and his Dad helping him out to avoid that. Do you get on well enough with her to talk about how you can support her to parent? Does she want him to come to you for a bit?

Living in what may be chaos more than a couple of nights might just send him back to his Mum anyway.

But it does sound like you need to reset DP’s contribution as I am sure doing as much as you do is going to cause resentment on your side. Also, the boys need to step up too and learn that a woman’s role isn’t restricted to running around after men! Get the older ones changing their bed linen, washing up and everything they need to learn in order to be independent.

My MIL and her husband did something similar. They moved into a 2-bed LA property with 2 boys and then had 2 girls.

They divided the bigger bedroom into 2, had the boys in one bit and the girls in the other (all in bunk beds) and the adults slept in the smaller bedroom. It meant the boys had to walk through the girls' room to get to their own, but the age gap between the younger boy and older girl was around 6 years, and the boys both moved out at 18, so it wasn't cramped for all that long.

I also wondered if it might be possible for the OP to use one of the downstairs rooms as another bedroom.

YABU. Your DP’s son should absolutely be able to be with him full time. If, as you say this cannot work in practice then your DP must move out. You both need to prioritize your own children.

As a responsible parent why would your partner be expected to not want hisbson to live with him? Your children live with you. If you don't like it then your partner should move out and do what he needs to do for his son.

Partner is being unreasonable to be living somewhere that his own son doesn’t even have a proper bed in because he had the misfortune of being a child of divorce/split and is now playing second fiddle to your kids. I would never consider not having a space for my own child in their home.

It all sounds very busy and full, so I guess if you say yes to him staying more he might change his mind once he realises the reality of it. I’d be concerned that he doesn’t seem to have a good base for GCSE’s which presumably are coming up.

This - what's the reason why your DSS wants to move in with you permanently ? He is unhappy at home, what is age ?

You need to apply to the council for a larger property with all these children, 7 between the 2 of you.

That sounds like a great idea than he can live with his son!

@DuvetInTheDaytimeis dad working? Are u working? This sets up the dynamics. If he is ft working and u are a sahm then you do the lions share at home so you absolutely have the write to say I cannot cope with another. If he is SAH and you work full time that’s slightly different.

Whats the home set up?

How many rooms, how many DC? Are the other kids yours with DH?

What does DSS want?

Maybe actually read the thread or at least @DuvetInTheDaytime posts

you would then know the answer to all these questions

You are taking an awful amount of abuse because of the information you left out in your original post.

Namely, the Council House tenancy is in your name. It has three bedrooms, the ages of your own children and whether boy or girl.

You also failed to mention how long you have been together and whether he left his previous partner for you or not. The latter is relevant because otherwise how come he does not have his own place which could accommodate his Son in his own bedroom.

It sounds very much like your partner expects you and your children to accommodate him and his son. That is not acceptable as I am pretty sure all of you would be sidelined eventually.

Keep your house safe for your own children and tell your partner to find his own accommodation. Does he really bring that much value to the life of your kids and you that you would put yourself in such a precarious position for the future.

He is the one who said it will all work out without doing any of the work involved. Even with the biggest of hearts you will get overwhelmed as he clearly is not showing any kind of ownership of anything.

Do not be sweet talked and stick to what your gut is telling you. You will soon find out what he is made of.

I wouldn’t agree to it. There is clearly not enough room and it isn’t fair. He has a place to live with his mum and if they aren’t getting on then they need to sort it out.

Here's how you do it:

Option A:
You and your DP have a proper conversation with his SS14 and get to the bottom of why he wants to move in. Talk about the reality of a lot of humans all living in a very tight, cramped space. Talk about the need for him to change schools, make new friends (at this critical age for education), need to work out the logistics of studying, etc. He'll be going from a family unit of 2 to 7 - crazy that he wants to do this! If he's adamant, explore asking your local authority for a larger house (whilst explaining to SS it's not yet a yes: logistics need to be explored).

Option B:
Could be that he increases the number of nights pw, rather than permanently, with the view of maybe modifying arrangements in the coming years (ie if your eldest DS moves out at 18).

In any case, you need to explore a proper bed for him: could you do a bunk bed and then single bed in one of the rooms?

I understand he "takes" your children full-time? Did you give him a chance to say no? I think it's time you accept he had a child before knowing you. A young boy who obviously wants to be with his father and maybe even with your children, about the same age if I read well? How would yoú feel if your husband started to comment the children you had with another man always being there?

The more OP wrote throughout the day the more chaotic I see the situation is.

A father of 3 her of her kids, but they are so on-off he's not on the tenancy and only lived in properly a year ago (but somehow they made 3 children on the previous 9 years).

The setup is absolutely overcrowded, with or without the stepson moving in. There doesn't seem to be room for anyone to have space or privacy. I generally don't have an issue with kids sharing but the toddler basically has nowhere to go... and the stepson sleeps on a couch so doesn't even have an actual bed to call his own.

Pretty sure she said they are together about 10ish years on & off but only moved in last year.

Stick to your guns. You are more aware than DH of family dynamics, and YOU will be shouldering most of the problems. Don't back down. Look after you!!

My bad as I missed the entire post giving all the kids ages and relationships. Its an entirely different story when you read that.

You're being unreasonable. When you enter a relationship with someone who has a child you take on that child as your own. Would you be ok if your partner said one of your kids had to go live elsewhere to make room for his son? Do you know how his son probably feels knowing he isn’t welcome to live with you but your kids are? His son has just as much right to live with you as your kids. If I was your partner I’d be planning to leave and find a place for myself and my son to live.

Despite a 10 year on/off relationship and their eldest shared child being 9 he only 'took' his own children full time in the last year along with the OPs and has managed to avoid most of the childhood years living with the kids.
So I certainly don't think this man should be given much credit for what he's wiling to take on.

How do you know he has patented his son in any meaningful way up til now? It sounds to me like the boy's mother did the parenting and now he expects this partner to do it. He isn't lifting a finger by the sound of it.

Parenting involves much more than that.

OP has already stated there are 5 kids in their 3 bed house. 4 sons and one 2year old daughter. Theres 2 boys in each of the two bedrooms whilst OP, her partner and the 2year old are in the third bedroom. Partner's 14year old son already sleeps on the sofa when he comes to stay over so where will he sleep permanently if he were to move in if they can't even give him a bed for weekend stays?. OP is the only named tenant as her partner only moved in properly a year ago despite the 3 youngest kids ages 9 6 and 2 all being his kids too.

Something tells me he won't though, seeing as he's only lived with his other kids for a year and doesn't even bother doing anything like feed them or wash their clothes.

A decent man and father would leave if his partner said no, but I guarantee he won't.

I do think it's shit when stepmothers don't want the fathers kids moving in or to be there for more than they can tolerate, but that would mainly be in a situation where the father is a good dad and where he is involved in the actual parenting and cleans and cooks for them etc.

It's not admirable for a stepmother to take a child on when the father is a shit dad, then they're taking the child away from the mother for a different woman to raise them, when that woman may not be involved in his life in a year or two.

If there was abuse or major issues with the childs mother and he needed a safer and happier home then fair enough, but for all we know this is probably just a case of a teenager clashing with his mother like many of them do. OP has said he's not easy, so it very easily could be just the typical teenage stuff and it's still in his best interests to live with his mother, navigate through it and make it out the other side like most teens do.