To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Well she's the one refusing, the dad also created the family and wants to say OK to the boy moving in.

It is the OP's name on the tenancy.

The dad also leaves all the care of the son to OP. .

The only place where the OP is claiming as a single parent is in your head dude. Your comments have been utterly outrageous on this thread. Shame on you.

She owes you absolutely nothing.

Council house does not = being on benefits. Maybe write it out 100 times to make it stick.

Neither of those things change the fact that she is the one refusing. She might be justified in doing so, but I was replying to someone who said "you created the family" and the sarcastic response of "yeah she created it all on her own"

She didn't create it on her own, it took two. But of the two, one party is refusing to fix it. Perhaps if him not helping with his son is an issue she could tell him when I start seeing you step up with these six children, then we can think about combining them all full time.

But ultimately if you create a blended family, you have to be prepared for the change in dynamic at any point.

I think dp should get his finger out and look into buying a bigger house then.

What the fking hell?!
"If she can show us that she has worked and paid for everything I will apologise..."

Why on EARTH does @DuvetInTheDaytime have to prove a single thing to you? Especially when everything you are saying you have completely made up in your (bigoted) mind. You're outrageous!

Well, they should BOTH look into a bigger house to accommodate all of their children no matter how often they stay in the house! All 6 of their kids (hers, his, theirs) should have a place to sleep comfortably.

Even without the DSS living there full time, the house is overcrowded which is the fault of both parent continuing to have kids they can't house properly.

Yes, she’s the one whose house it is, and as such she gets to make the call as to who lives there.

If OP’s he wants to live with his son then he’s free to move out and sort out his own housing. She isn’t stopping him.

Just because her name is on the tenancy, doesn't mean he isn't contributing financially. And actually, further back in response to that exact point, she said he couldnt 'just move out' becuase they have shared children, so it wasnt that easy.

She's already said he moved in a year ago not that he's been there for all of their 10+ years relationship. You do realise people can have a partner who doesn't live with them? Even for UC purposes the definition of a live in partner is someone who permanently resides in your home as if you're a married couple. A woman having a boyfriend stay over a couple nights a week isn't classed as living together. And if she is committing benefit fraud it's not you she has to prove anything to you nosey cow, it's a job for the DWP to determine whether or not she's claiming money she isn't entitled to. Your attitude is entitled thinking you can tell this lady to show you proof of her financial and tenancy information. Wind your fucking neck in

They don't HAVE to inform the council. The council will likely know.

I know of someone who had five kids living in a 3bed. One boy, four girls but one of the girls and one of the boys had autism. The girl goes to a special school and is non verbal. She was supposed to have a room of her own as a result.

This obviously doesn't work if the boy also needs his own room.

To cap it off she decided to marry a foreign national and then applied for him to come over.

The council were not happy as she was already classed as over crowding. He was allowed to come because she had an income of 18k just from benefits.

But the point is she was not forced to move. The authorities are well aware of her living circumstances. She could have applied to extend the property at her own expense (she is allowed to do this and although councils don't tend to like this, due to a lack of larger properties, shed probably have been allowed it). But she hasn't.

So lots of agencies knew and still know. I don't actually know where all the kids sleep now. I suspect someone is sleeping downstairs in the only living room in the house because there's no where else for them all to go.

She's not a awful person. The kids are good. But yeah she could make better decisions.

In the OPs case she needs to find a way to make it work. Swapping houses, DP and son moving out, her two moving in with Dad... The poor kid obviously has a lot going on and needs support. This isn't his fault. The adults in his life need to sort their shit out.

Why did you both have so many children when you don't have the room to look after the ones you already had?

I'm not sure there is an easy solution to this predicament. There are too many people wanting to live in a small space and whilst DSS can be accommodated for a number of days, a permanent move could cause emotional difficulties. Have you spoken with your DSS mum? Perhaps mediation and counselling could help the repair their relationship. There are a number of mediation organisations that provide the service FOC.

Yeah, this.

Sorry, OP, but his son came first.

Leave her own house how does that work?

And? What matters is that it’s her name on the tenancy. Not his. As such, it’s entirely up to her whether his son moves in or not.

If that doesn’t suit him then he’s free to make other arrangements regarding housing. He doesn’t need OP’s approval.

Theres an awful lot of benefits dodgers on here defending the lady and her man. The man decides he can’t be bothered to be a present father to his kids so he just pops in and out as suits him over 9 years whilst she lets the welfare state cover the responsibility of raising the kids.

I’m talking about relationships. His relationship with his son should always be his priority; surely when you get together with someone who already has kids, you assume that at some point they might want to live with them. 🤷🏽‍♀️

His son came to live in the op’s house with her children who all already lived there first? How? Explain that dumb ass comment please.

Yes, he can - and the adults can absolutely tell him no you can't. There isn't enough room. I'm not sure any court will agree to him moving in to sleep on the sofa.

Both of these parents sound as bad as each other. Selfish, selfish people. Poor kids, all of them.

Nothing to do with "benefit dodging" whatever that means
Just not making shit up like you are.

Benefits dodger? Excuse me but I'm a single parent of three school age kids since I split up and divorced my husband. I work 30 hours a week and pay for childcare in order to do my job and pay bills. I'm far from a benefit scrounger you cheeky cow. Fuck off with your judgment on strangers. Honestly you're a keyboard warrior

I am basing it on the on-off partner and the kids she has with him. In total she is responsible for 5 kids, some of them under school age and all of them at some point not school age. She has the tenancy for a council house solely in her name. If she is not claiming any benefit and able to work enough hours to pay for all 5 kids (and their childcare) then I take my hat off to her. Surely that’s only possible with a grandmother or something to help, and her hours spent working in a well-paid job.

we all know that most single women with 5 kids, and one on-off partner who is there when it suits him, living in a council house solely in the woman’s name are most likely claiming benefit. Theres nothing wrong with basing what we think about her situation on a combination of what she tells us and welfare state statistics.

and I will be nosey because its taxpayer money funding it. And I am all for the welfare state as long as the money goes to those who need it.

So you're on benefits then. I would have thought dodging benefits was a good thing the way you've gone on. I'll bet you've got a claim going on yourself. It's the only thing that makes sense to why you're doubling down so much.