To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

My biggest fear is that my autistic DD (17) will be like this. She has hopes and dreams, and I will do everything I can to help her be independent and move out at some point. But she currently is so tongue tied talking to strangers that she wouldn’t get through a job interview. She also has OCD and gets anxious and stressed at the drop of the hat. She has had various forms of therapy from 3 years old and is on antidepressants. We will both keep trying to grow her confidence and stabilise her mental health but I think a lot of people on this thread are being very judgmental. You have no idea how these older adult children ended up like they are. It is not a choice everyone has for their child to thrive no matter how much you might want them to.

I agree. Mental health and other issues aside (I feel I have to caveat this). I really don't get why people are championing, this idea of living in your adult bedrooms, socialising only through your computer as some sort of ideal way to live just to avoid work place drama.

I have children and I'd be extremely sad if this is how they lived their life. There's a freedom in having your own place, to do what you want, having your own space to decorate, have your friends over etc. I wouldn't want them socialising with just in their computer. I want them out there meeting people, having experiences and having the skills and confidence to deal with any "dramas" and to be able live on their own once I've passed away. Surely we want our children and loved ones to be out living a rich, full life and to have experiences and a life that extend beyond their childhood bedroom and computer.

People say multi generation living helps one another but I can't see how much help it is to keep people living at home, like perpetual teenagers to the point they become isolated from friends and community. This isn't an ideal way to live. No one should be relying on their ageing parents as their only source of companionship.

I see it with my brother. His life is basically going to work and coming home again. He used to have a large group of friends but he doesn't see them now. His friends have moved on, have partners and their own houses and some have their own kids. There's an emotional maturity that comes with moving on with life and having this responsibility and my sibling can't relate to his peers now as he's not progressed from his early 20s. It's very sad to see.

I think DH and I have decided that if DC don’t move out by late 20s we’ll set them up in their own place. We will (hopefully) have the means to help if necessary.

My relative has just moved out of the family home aged 28. He finally got a job in his field and within a few months he met a girlfriend (he’s never had a relationship before to our knowledge) and is very happy. I know his dad in particular would’ve liked to have kept him at home forever, we were secretly urging the young man to get out! We knew he’d flourish.

As well as complex technology, I think expectations on people being self starters, managing their time and priorities, and being sociable have also increased. Cleaning, low level office work, even supermarket check out jobs tend to require more executive function and/or social skills today than 40 years ago. You don't get many jobs any more where you're just sitting in a typing pool waiting for your work to drop into your in tray. Or where being a bit morose as you sweep the streets is perfectly fine. Employers want team players and outgoing frontline staff as well as literacy and numeracy skills and comfort with technology.

Social housing tenancies used to pass on but that's been stopped now, or at least in my LA it has. DH and I are joint tenants. We can succeed each other, but our children can't succeed us, so this house will go back to stock once both DH and I don't need it either by death or a move to a care home.

I (50s) can think of 5 people I know of my age or older like this. 4 have full work and social lives and a couple even eventually left home at 40+. This thread shows it's not a single, simple picture. There are those who never leave, never work, never have relationships, and there's a whole range of other stories.

You need to go back to Social Services and ask for a 'Section 9 assessment' for her, and a 'Section 10 assessment' for you. They can't refuse to assess, and if you use those terms they will know that you know that.

Section 9 of the Care Act 2014 mandates that local authorities in England assess any adult who appears to need care and support, regardless of their financial resources or eligibility level. This assessment focuses on the individual's needs, their impact on wellbeing, and desired outcomes, ensuring involvement of the person and their carer.

Section 10 of the Care Act 2014 places a legal duty on local authorities to assess any carer who appears to have needs for support, regardless of their financial resources or the level of support needed. It focuses on the carer's wellbeing, including their ability and willingness to care, and the impact of caring on their life.

Secondly, if she has a Moderate Learning Disability, you could ask your GP for a referral to the Learning Disabilities service in your area.

It's time to stamp your feet.

My cousin is one. He wouldn't/couldn't have ended up like this without a) a mother who was on her own and basically liked the company in the house b) a benefit system that ensured he had money both for himself and to share costs with his mum.

If he hadn't had the benefits (he is a bright guy and researched exactly how to describe things ro ensure got disability) she could not have afforded to "keep" him without him working to earn & contribute. He is now about 50 and will never change but needed a reality check in his 20s.

There seems to be limited accredited research on this subject for UK (and this is an issue in itself as the Gov wants evidence before they're willing to financially support 'health/support projects'). I suspect less access to 'parenting advice' for parents of those now in mid-late 40s or older due to not many people having internet at home and no android devices so it was a case of read a few parenting books which were probably out of date as soon as they were printed. I also think many parents saw MH illness as 'taboo' or something that only happened to other people (the 'in denial and it doesn't affect our family' brigade). Social and developmental problems were often undiagnosed because parents didn't have info to hand to say to their GP they suspected their child had issues and even if they did,there weren't many support services e.g., ED support was mainly near London so if you had an ED, you may have had to go to an EDU near London. If you had depression, it was anti-depressants and that was it. No talking therapies. If you fear taking medicine (people of any age will say they don't like taking medicine) MH talking therapy services are still insufficient due to high demand but they are better than they were. Personally, I can understand people who are seriously unwell or have learning and/or physical disability living with parents. The bigger issue seems to be that if they have MH /social anxiety problems, then living with parents long-term for many years suggests 'parent support and intervention' is not working and parents may be contributing to a vicious cycle. I feel sorry for these people because they will just become more isolated and lonely but it's like they're trapped and can't find a way to move on and having reasonable self-esteem and social skills are key to that 'ready to fly the nest'.

I guess I thought it was my last chance to get married!

It's a complex mesh of issues.

• learning disability terms make functional difficulties seem less severe than they are. For example 'mild' learning disabilities are actually still quite disabling. 'moderate' learning disabilities mean that there's quite significant problems academically and socially, etc.
• Most specialist education has been stripped and even children with severe disability are expected to be in mainstream settings. Specialist settings have a higher focus on function which is necessary for daily life.
• Jobs these days require good social communication. Even supermarkets recruit using situational awareness tests which people with ND/LD or simply very introverted people are more likely to fail.
• Being able to do the job isn't enough. You have to be able to pass the interview. Jobs with situational awareness assessments, or jobs using STAR format scoring exclude people who can't plan answers well and have a poor theory of mind (they can't imagine/understand what the recruiting team are looking for so don't have a target to shoot for, and they don't realise that things they think are obvious need to be explained).
• There is a job crisis. There are millions more job seekers than jobs. Therefore, those with less sophisticated social skills will lose out.
• Jobs require much more 'all around' skills now. The person who used to open the mail and distribute it now also has to answer the phone, maintain databases, man reception, etc.
• Jobs like TA work used to be general class helper jobs. Washing paint pots, helping children get their coats on, doing photocopying, etc. Now, they are intervention specialists, so that requires a higher skill set.
• Many people with LD also have physical difficulties. Many low intellectual skill jobs are very manual.
• Universal Credit has strict limits on rental prices. Most private sector rentals are above the limit, so people on UC can't afford to rent because the portion of UC that is intended for living costs is used for rent.
• Many, many people who are disabled don't manage to advocate for themselves and can't give information in a way that satisfies the criteria for PIP or the Limited Capability for Work process. They are found fit for work but they are never going to be successful in getting work and don't have the ability to hold down a job.
• Many people are undiagnosed and can't get proper assessment.
• Supported internships are few and far between, then often don't lead to a job.
• Employers are happy for people to volunteer but not to pay them. The introduction of National Minimum Wage disincentivises employers to employ disabled people because if they have to pay the same wage regardless, they may as well have the best candidate.
• Apprenticeships are becoming more popular and therefore more competitive.

The list goes on, really.

I don’t see any issue in living with family members forever as long as you have some sort of outlet too, volunteering, working, getting out. It’s the family members who stay behind and become isolated from life that is worrying, especially if the home will be sold etc when the parent dies.
My aunt stayed with my grandmother, she worked before DGM needed help, she was gifted the family home as she was in her late 50’s. She is not a loner, she’s in her 70’s with a good group of friends, she’s was isolated in the caring years.

That is horrific and far far too common in this country.

Alan Bennett writes about these people and as mentioned it's a well known thing on Japan 🗾

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori

I used to work in retail and we had no end of people starting jobs who thought it was just shelf stacking and a bit of standing behind a till, and who couldn't cope with the fact that you had to do EVERYTHING, plus regular training sessions for age-limited products, food safety etc. They found that it was just too much overload and dealing with the public all day every day was beyond them.

I can't comment on whether they were ND or not (although must have been very high functioning if they were), but because of cost cutting you can't just be employed to do one thing any more. You have to work on the whole shop floor as well as the warehouse, and it's not as easy as people assume.

It’s the parents failings.

This would be standard if it was Desi parenting 😄

I know a man like this. He briefly worked in his 20s, before stopping for good (now he must be in his 50s). He cites medical reasons but they are vague. He has always lived with his mother who is now nearing 80 and still working full time to support both of them.

Well done @loowhooloo keep at it

Many of these are what is keeping my friend's autistic son at home. He COULD work (he does voluntary work a few times a week but only work where he does not have to speak to anyone) but he would need work that meant never having to ask a question or take more than cursory instruction and where someone could be on hand to supervise him permanently.

In the old days he would have stacked shelves on a late shift or painted fences or cut lawns. But now jobs need you to multi task and the old 'labourer' jobs where you had a supervisor who kept your nose to the grindstone are gone. Labour costs are so high that paying two people to do the job that one person would be expected to do alongside other tasks is now impossible.

Adding in that social interaction is often very difficult and stepping outside a comfort zone can seem an insurmountable task, and you can see why many young adults (and older ones) find the world of work impossible to enter.

A lot of the responses to this thread are very harsh and judgemental and there was also a very similar thread recently, so I am not sure why the topic keeps being brought up.

Those who have commented on sisters for example living together because they have 'never married or had kids' - what on earth is wrong with them finding company / community in this way? Should they instead be lonely because they haven't followed the 'conventional route'?

A lot of people on this site don't seem to appreciate that finding a partner and having children is down to luck / circumstances / chance to a large extent. Perhaps in another life if you don't find a partner or have children, you'll be looking at creative ways to build a life for yourself and you won't be so judgemental of others or imply that their circumstances are 'inferior' or 'odd'.

@Lougle. Lots of great points.
My elderly mum was a special needs teacher. They didn’t follow national curriculum and her main focus was on skills. When they were small they focused heavily on toilet training as it made a massive difference to their quality of life and their carers lives. Older age groups they did lots of role play eg shopping and trips out to practice getting bus etc. when she retired many of the children were moving to mainstream (integration) and will have just sat in classrooms.
I work in public sector and we have evening cleaners. A lot of the ladies are older and additional needs. I doubt they would get hired now as they’d need to apply online, organisation requires gcse maths and English as standard for all vacancies and they’d need to do online training, sit a test about cosh etc.

Does anybody know whether there are support groups or organizations that help adult children like this? I'm sure there are support groups for people with ND, but is there anything for families in which the child is in their 40s or 50s, the parents are old, and there is a worry about what will happen to them when they're gone?

Have you actually read the responses, with the many and varied reasons this happens?

I don't think there's been some overly harsh replies though some of terms are harsh I agree.

And everyone's circumstances so I am not talking about all people. Of course there's nothing wrong with siblings living together if it works for them but if their only sense of socialisation and support is each other then that's not finding a community in any sense of the word. That's a completely isolating way to live. What happens if one sibling dies, who then do they turn to? I think that's what people had been referring to when they had spoke about their siblings living together.

And of course people who are single aren't inferior but it's not some black and white issue of you're single and living at home with your parents forever and being married. There's room for growth and for people to find support in between these two extremes.

In my siblings case it has very much held him back. He can't relate to his peers as they all live on their own. He doesn't socialise at all and just stays in his room when not at work and he doesn't provide support or companionship to my parents (plus my parents have their own very active social life). It has been absolutely no benefit to him that he still lives at home and it'll be absolutely catastrophic for him when my parents die and the house has to be sold.

Again as I feel everyone jumps on, everyone's circumstances are different.