To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

My cousin is very much like this but does work, he has never married, once left home & bought his own house but ended up going back home as he couldn't manage on his own, his mum died of dementia when he was in his thirties, he lived with his dad until he died, he is still in the house now & his sister has taken over keeping an eye on him. It's sad, he was my favourite cousin when I was young & we were all kids, he's never had a girlfriend or any kind of relationship, it is such a waste of a life.

And a new relationship too, maybe😁

One of the issues is we don't recognise neuro diversity as a strength in employment so ND adults don't get opportunities to be financially independent. We have a ND daughter and she is brilliant in some areas and not so great in others. Make reasonable accommodation for her and you've got a great employee. She found the right fit and has been independently living since she was 20. But it would have been easyier for her and us to just let her stay at home and rationalise why she couldn't be independent. It's another level of proud when you see a ND child cope with their challenges and become independent. She has developed into a lovely human being too.

Nursery and playgroups have been a thing for decades and some start before 3. The chances of a child starting school not meeting another child for the first few years of their life are incredibly rare and have NOTHING to do with a parents age.

And not knowing neighbours, going to baby groups etc can apply to any parent of any age.

If you have some evidence though to support show your crackpot theory that somehow older parents have more isolated kids than I'd be very interested to see it.

That’s what I thought of as well!

I lived at home until 26-27 btw (working, pursuing higher education, saving money etc. So definitely not the same as OP is describing!) buuuuut I can somewhat see how one might get stuck.

It was really difficult for my mother when I moved out and I got the sense that she really would have preferred me to stay (she was self aware and considerate enough to never actually tell me to stay but she clearly found me moving out extremely upsetting)…

my mother had devoted her life to raising her (2) daughters as a single mother. Gave up her career with the birth of her second daughter (she still worked but that’s not the same as having a career one enjoys), never had the time or energy for a real social life, never had the time or energy for the trauma therapy she so clearly needed.

I suspect that adult children who don’t manage to fly the nest and parents who are (physically, psychologically, emotionally) dependant on these (adult) children are two very closely intertwined issues.
And a lack of community / community support and less societal rigidity in regards of milestones (the latter I am generally in favour of btw!) probably contributes as well…

I'm in the same boat. ND eldest daughter who struggled at school (but I couldn't homeschool her because I had to work, as a single parent), took A levels but then came home and looked to become entrenched. She wouldn't sign on (too much anxiety to get to the job centre and she wasn't allowed to sign on remotely) but I made her do some volunteering to get her out of the house, which helped a lot with her social ability. She did go off to university as a mature student (she was 21) when she had become a little more emotionally mature but then returned home and only found a job through friends.

She's now a home owner and marrying this summer (to the friend who found her the job, wonderfully enough!) She works in a job where she can wfh if she needs to and I couldn't be happier for her.

Yes it’s a major issue, however I wish my DB would do more to get her out volunteering or something, just so she has some structure to her life.

I think the modern world is too complicated for many people. You can't afford to buy a house if you are single and low waged / unemployed and rents are astronomical.

Jobs are hard to come by because even well functioning people are struggling to find work and you are competing with a huge pool of workers including 1000s who have arrived in the last 5 years. Employers don't need to make adjustments as they can pick and choose who they recruit.

So between the housing crisis and the lack of jobs, there's a big problem. That's partly why we've seen an increase in people living in tents and vans.

It's a privilege to have strength in neurodivergence. The reality for many people with ND is that the disabling factors prevent any strengths from being functionally demonstrable. For example, DD2 has a massive affinity for animals and can retain extensive, detailed knowledge about them. She can't cope with groups of people, though, and gets burned out extremely easily from sensory stimuli, so the likelihood of her being able to have the consistency that a job requires is lowered.

DD1 is hugely hampered by her ASD and ADHD. It doesn't allow her to attend to any task for more than a few minutes. She also has LD, but it isn't the LD that really prevents her from working.

I won't go on and on, but it's not always helpful to focus on those who are capable and academic when talking about neurodivergence, because those that aren't don't have a voice.

My adult son has autism. He is still at home, when he has tried to live independently it has been a disaster. Social care are not interested, he wants to work but only in what he thinks is a ‘good job’ his benefit claims are unpredictable because he has very little executive function. I have two other children who will be independent , but this one - I’m not at all sure he will be. He needs supported living, but that is like rocking horse shit. I hate it, I want to move on but I can’t …

If people who cannot live independently can live with their parents, that's not such a bad thing. At least they have a home.

Globalisation guarantees 2 things: increased competition for housing and increased competition for jobs. Therefore those who are not firing on all cylinders, as in able to afford a property, able to get a partner and attractive to employers, are likely to continue to struggle.

Hopefully the job market may change for all ND adults and in the meantime articles like these are promising....

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cp954ep948lo

Neurodivergent women sought for jobs at GCHQ and BAE Systems | Autism | The Guardian

I think this can be a big factor - parents who find themselves without a partner may consciously or unconsciously find ways to keep a child at home.

I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with working adult children still living at home. The people i know are all perfectly socially fine, educated, contribute to the household and are in full time employment.

But i thought the OP was about more than that.

Funnily enough the person i know who fits the bill according to what the OP describes, lives ‘independently’ according to MN standards, if you really call it that, but only due to family wealth, allowing them to have an income by renting out the property they were bought, while living rent free in another of the family’s properties.

They have not been employed for years and i doubt they will ever work, but think they are worthy to walk into some kind of 6 figure corporate role. Socially odd. ND i suspect.

I think that is pretty right on the money.

Then add into the mix a much-longed-for-child, who is over-indulged and "our little princess"ified, and it's a potent combo.

I have a work colleague who has a partner with a dd(32).

The dd was always very co-dependent with her mum, childlike, spending her benefit money on a room full of soft toys, didn't have any real friends or social life, mum helped buy her clothes, make all her meals etc.

For various reasons it caused problems in their relationship.

He just blew his top one day with his partner and said it is her or me. It sounds worse than it was, he was willing to help support her dd to move out and they did, he helped pay her rent for the first year and they helped her decorate and furnish her flat with bits and pieces from family.

Over time she absolutely flourished. Got friends. Got a job. Could afford her own rent. They do keep a close eye on her as she is still immature for her age, but catching up with her peers, he says the difference in her is astounding.

I absolutely agree there are many (not all) adults out there whose growth and development has been stunted by their parents.

He’s hardly going to say he insisted she move out and it was absolutely disastrous for her though, is he @BrokenWing?
I hope it’s exactly as he says.

I am as confident I can be, car shared with him for several years so we had almost daily chats about both our families- warts and all. Would have been a difficult story to maintain if not true! He has less success with his own adult sons and was open about that too.

PP mentioned the lady she was talking about had older parents-it might have something to do with it or it might not. But based on what I've seen it probably does.

And not knowing neighbours, going to baby groups etc can apply to any parent of any age.

Yes but the point is those kids will most likely have siblings/cousins/parents friends kids to play with instead. Because they will mostly be a similar age. That just isn't the case with someone having much older parents no matter how much you like to pretend it is.

Yep! I've definitely noticed it's a thing.

We have a relative like this, he never worked and lived off his parents until well into his late 30s. Then his Mum developed dementia, as soon as she really started losing her memory and his Dad needed more help he suddenly became super social. He hit the dating apps, became a weirdly successful cocklodger living almost instantly with three or four women in a row. He did even get a few jobs in the end too. The transformation was quite incredible when he did finally have to stand on his own two feet.

Sounds like he didn't, he just got someone else to do it. I see what you're saying, though; he may not have been independent but he was able to change the situation to get what he wanted.

I wonder what his appeal to these women was. An unemployed man who never left home isn't usually attractive to women.

I worried quite a lot that my brother would be like this - he always worked (had lots of different jobs) but really lacked confidence and I worried would never have moved out on his own and would live with my mum forever then worried I’d be stuck with him - that probably sounds selfish but it was a genuine worry! But at 35 he met the nicest girl and they’ve moved in together and I’m so pleased for him. My mum and Nan MASSIVELY spoilt him though and didn’t enable him to properly stand on his own two feet (and used to try and get me to wait hand and foot on him too!)

Very weird. Must have had a golden cock because what else would they be seeing in him?

He definitely got someone else to do it at first! We were all stunned that anyone would want to date him, let alone allow him to move in with them after knowing him a very short space of time.

He’s not the best at personal hygiene and is one of those people who always look grumpy and mumbles a lot. God knows what they saw in him? I mean maybe he can be charming but I’ve never witnessed it.