To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

I don't think this is a new thing. There are lots of people who need supporting who aren't being supported by anyone other than parents, I don't think it's a case of parents ill equipping people, the help isn't there and often people have siblings that leave independent lives without issue.

I have a relative now in his 60s who was like this, he does have a partner now who he met late but she is quite similar in some ways. Always held an entry level job and wouldn't progress for reasons related to anxiety rather than intelligence. A job is routine.I think it's likely that he's undiagnosed autistic from what I know of his childhood and adulthood. Lots of ,neurodivergence in our family, presenting in lots of different ways.

I know my mum also had an aunt that was generally unwell and never married, never really worked so stayed with her mum.

My DB is a bit like this. He doesn't actually live with my DPs because they bought him a house 5 minutes walk away. He also works - he is very clever but only manages a part-time, minimum-wage job. He has been on antidepressants his whole adult life and would almost certainly be diagnosed with autism if he would engage with the assessment process. He has never had a relationship or any friends but he has his special interests which at least give him some pleasure. The house is supposed to be left jointly to him and me after my parents die but I would never make him move out.

If they're still stuck in their childhood bedrooms well into adulthood, I wouldn't call that a "solid living".

In many cases, they end up like this simply because they can. They've never been forced to be independent, to go out and get a job, be self sufficient. And why should they, because they've never had to. Most people have the motivation and drive to go and do that for themselves, but some need shove. It's basically laziness really. Obviously I'm not talking about the ones who don't have the mental capacity to do that (and I don't just mean anyone who's ND, because even most of them are capable of working and living independently).

It doesn't matter if they don't work or build up enough NI for a state pension - our benefits system just gives out free money to people in that situation anyway (pension credit).

MH issues, Neurodivergence; it's the new fat isn't it? Pile on.

Women who lived with parents still usually interacted with the world, had friends, etc This isn't just living with parents, it's more than that.

Sexist, much?

You say that, but I have a relative who lives like this and the mum has tried absolutely everything to 1) get the adult child a diagnosis for their mental health issues 2) get them to go out and live a normal life.

The problem is you can't force someone to seek mental health support and services only intervene if there is a risk to life. The adult child here is also abusive and controlling- it is very very hard for the parent to do anything to improve the situation. The authorities don't care as it is not a social services issue. The parent just does all the housework/ cooking etc. As an outsider it is horrendous to watch.

I can imagine lots of parents trying desperately to turn these people into fully functioning adults.

In Japan this kind of person is known as hikkikomori. They're not uncommon at all. People slip through the cracks, especially with work stuff. Part of the problem is that even if they did want to work, starting a job would be completely overwhelming. When you've had no routine or responsibilities, having to turn up and be on time and not take a day off because you don't feel like going in; it seems pathetic but to them it's insurmountable. They can't cope with the lack of autonomy.

If she's continuing to house him, she hasn't don't absolutely everything to try to get them to live a normal life. Sometimes (and there are certainly exceptions) it's only when support is withdrawn that people start to do things for themselves.

I know someone who's 61 and his adult son is like this. The son is in his early thirties, lives at home, no job. Apparently he's very bright and got into uni to study architecture when young, but dropped out after a term. He doesn't appear to have done much, if anything, since. He has executive function disorder. I suppose when his parents go, he will inherit the house and live there. His parents probably won't need a care home as he will look after them.

Growing up, there was a woman living opposite who never left home. After her second parent died, she became a recluse and lived out her life there.

It happens, unfortunately, and it's very sad.

What a nasty comment. I am very worried one of my 4 kids will end up like this. He has autism and had a couple of tries at uni and jobs and can’t cope with the anxiety and panic any sort of social interaction causes him. I’ve tried everything to find something that helps - he’s had medications, counselling etc.

It is not remotely “nice”, it’s a horrible, limiting life and I’m really worried about what will happen to him.

Maybe the women who also stayed with their late parents would. Perhaps those who did so and whose parents have died can find each other and live happily ever after. 🥰

Just remembered, I was also friends with someone from school who was showing no signs of independence by her early thirties, so her mum basically booted her out of the nest. The friend wasn't ND or anything and she did work. She had moved out earlier in her life but ended up boomeranging back in. She'd had her feet under the table quite comfortably for a number of years by age 32 and she wasn't budging. Her mum found her a flat and she and the dad gave her a small deposit, and basically moved her into it. 🤣 She ended up loving it. But I think she would have stayed there another ten years if the parents hadn't organised a new nest for her. (She married her longterm off-on boyfriend at age 43, who had his mother living with him, which was always a reason the friend wouldn't marry him. Possibly the mum died.)

So yeah, that's three who spring to mind.

Oh! I also know a pair of sisters who are almost fifty and neither of them ever married, so they live together. There's a difference in that they moved out from their parents as they bought a house together, and they do work. So not exactly a failure to launch, but they haven't really ventured out of their family of origin, which is a little odd. OTOH, maybe they're geniuses to have avoided all the work and worry of men and kids!!! If you get along with your sister, and you don't want to marry or cohabit with a man, it sounds rather nice, on reflection.

I can see this. Our systems at work are very complicated, and someone left after only a week because of it! And they are systems to be used by the average office worker. They're not, say, software for architects.

OTOH, retail and hospitality work still exists, as does cleaning, reception work, and maybe low-level office work, although I'm not sure about the latter. Seems most professionals do their own admin these days, such as filing and expenses and booking travel. Unless you're a lawyer or consultant.

But those are young adult children, like you said. We're talking about people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. And the young adults have often been to uni and are starting out.

The Japanese have a name for this kind of life / person.

i think it’s quite often the choice of the parents who want company or a carer and their adult child doesn’t manage to break away. I had a relative who didn’t move out until their mid-30s and even then their mother expected them to spend all their spare time with her.

It all starts with anxious parents who don't gradually allow their kids to walk to school, to walk to buy milk or to take the bus home from the library etc.

The parents have enabled the behaviour..

@ForCosyLion I agree about the type of jobs. When I was younger the offices I worked in used to have a ‘mail man’ and a post sorting room. It was someone’s job to put the post into pigeon holes and then walk round and deliver it all to the different teams. A nice easy job without much pressure. That gradually stopped as we got much less post and it didn’t justify having a full time person to do it. There are fewer simple jobs like that now.

In my job on average I use at least six different software programs in a day and login to multiple different systems, constantly switching between them. I’m sure lots of office jobs are like that and it’s a lot to take in.

Some comments seem to be conflating what the initial post was about with adults who choose to live with their parents but also have their own lives, work, etc. I really wouldn’t say they are the same.

There’s someone on my street with two sons who I’d guess are in their 50s and they live with her. I definitely think one has learning difficulties but I’m unsure on the other, maybe. He still goes everywhere with her too, they walk around all over together.

We also have two middle aged sisters who live together next door, neither of them married or had kids. They’re not reclusive per se but they’re incredibly insular and consider themselves to be the unofficial neighbourhood watch. They make up crazy stories about people on the street but they’re utterly convinced it’s true. The couple across the road were filming porn because they had a red coloured lamp, for example…

My uncle lives with my Gran still too, he’s late 50s and he can’t use a washing machine or cook so she still does everything for him. No learning difficulties, he’s just a pain in the arse and no woman wanted him.

It sounds like a miserable existence to you but it is all relative.
You know what you know. They may feel secure in their limited existence.
I had a youngest brother like this aswell who never launched until our parents passed and house was sold. Very introspective, definitely on the spectrum. Had to be ejected/ encouraged to move from the home.
Now works in a limited capacity as a night security person. The loneliness suits him.

In the last street we lived on there were 3 men all doing the same that we knew of. In this street there’s definitely 1 a few houses down. His dad’s just died, mum is very elderly, he has learning difficulties. They have always existed.

I you mean the diognoses that didn't exist until twenty years ago , that take years to get even as a child and are mostly inaccessible to adults who can't afford to go private.

Oh yes what are the parents thinking? Terrible people!

Children with special needs grow into adults and don't disappear t aged 18. Who'd have thought , eh?