To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Absolutely horrible and shitty post. Bet you've never had a velcro baby. Or PND. You have no fucking idea what you're talking about and should thank your lucky stars you don't. OP is finding these groups useful they are social TREATMENTS against a brutal illness, not just socialising, and if you allowed others to convince you that maternity leave was housework leave then more fool you, but don't try and shit on OP because she know better.

OP please ignore this bullshit. You're doing the right things. You are not at home to cook your husband dinners but to look after yourself and your baby. I don't like the sound of him at all tbh.

I'm confused how you have so much housework 😅 I wouldn't cancel your baby groups at all. I hated being in the house with my little one all day - we went out every single day to a group or a library or a national trust...I would have gone insane otherwise. But housework wise, I can understand if your husband is doing everything and a full time job. I would see it as your 9-5pm is looking after the baby (including entertaining them at baby groups) and the evenings should be shared.

For us I actually used the cooking as my me time so as soon as my husband finished working, he would get time to bond with her and look after her whilst I cooked with a podcast. Then we ate together, got little one ready for bed and he cleaned up whilst I nursed baby to sleep. My husband has always done the cleaning in our house and I've always done most of the cooking.... But we basically split jobs so between work finishing and bedtime for the little one we would split everything and then post bedtime was our relaxation time. And in the moments where the little one has been glued to one or the other of us (she has done bedtimes with her dad since around 1), then their role is parenting in that moment and the other picks up the slack 🤷 My little girl is super attached to me now, for example, so my husband does the cooking most evenings as we both work full time.

No. She is at a baby group, looking after a baby. It is not leisure time.
If you mean you think the DH should also look after the baby solo for two hours in the evening, sure, sounds great.

She is not just “socialising with coffee”, @LellyLov - she is taking care of her mental health and doing something that is helping her cope with post natal depression.

If she has a complete breakdown (because she stops the activities that are helping her mental health, and burns herself out looking after the baby and her dh and dusting on to of the cupboards) her dh will find himself having to do a whole load more, while she recovers!

My ds1 is married with a preschooler and 1 year old twins. He works full time, in a challenging job, and still does every bit of his share round the house - cooking, cleaning, tidying, looking after the children - because he loves his wife, our wonderful DIL, and wants to do his best for her and their family.

That is how a decent partner acts.

I feel like your mental health is way more important than the house being clean always. You do what feels right for you and your child. As long as you are fed i don't think it's a priority to kill yourself to be up to date with all the house chores, the first few years are hard and if it really bothers your partner he should have a problem helping out more just because he's working doesn't mean all household chores are your duty as looking after a child is 24hr job and very exhausting mentally and physically. I think you both need to sit down and talk and agree to prioritise and split chores so there is no resentment and tell him to tell his mum to stay out of it in future.

Firstly well done for getting out so much! I feel I really had to build my confidence up so at 4 months post partum you are flying it!

Secondly, your MIL is saying this wouldn’t have been the way in her day, well I’ll tell you what also would not have been the way in her day; a granny coming over and not cleaning or doing something practical to help a new mother! So she can shut the hell up in my book.

Thirdly, just as you were previously telling your partner you were having trouble coping (and it sounds like he supported you) he is now telling you he cannot cope, though perhaps not in a particularly sensitive way. Can you have a proper chat without blame about expectations and decide who does what around the house? I am 6 months post partum and we have clearly defined roles. I empty and fill the dishwasher, clean the kitchen and tidy the house, look after the baby’s laundry and cook dinner. He takes care of the cat litter, empties bins and does laundry for us two. 5 days of groups is a lot and I wonder for your own sake if it would be good for you to drop one so you don’t become reliant on the company and support others constantly and can spend a day with baby alone. Someone else suggested Wednesday which makes sense as it’s just a small break then. Please remember that it is good for baby’s to watch you doing boring things, they don’t need to be constantly played with and entertained. I have always had as one wake window activity that baby goes in her little chair and watches me cook and clean up. She’s happy and I get things done. I talk her through every thing I’m doing which is apparently great for language development.

This doesn’t even make sense. She doesn’t have 5 days a week socialising. She is looking after a baby full time who is going through a difficult phase and she gets out the house for a couple of hours each day with the baby. Thats perfectly normal and healthy. You make it sound like she’s putting the baby into nursery and off out with her friends all day doing whatever she wants.

I Have been reading through your thread again and it’s getting me really angry on your behalf.

His mum made him dinners but not you when you are the one recovering!! He’s a grown man who has the use of both his hands and could do it himself.

I would suggest you make an appointment to speak to your health visitor without him. Don’t even tell him. And go through what is happening.

It looks like your mum see’s your husband for what he is. Although she is definitely making things worse for you the way she is saying stuff to him.

You said he is older but not your ages. I’m guessing it’s quite significant? Midwife’s/health visitors do want to see mums by themselves. So they can assess any abuse that partners cover up by being there. Which clearly seems to be what he is doing. They are there for you as much as the baby, dad doesn’t really need to be there at all. My husband was there for the first few of course, being on paternity leave. And he took time off for her 1 and 2 year review. But not general ones.

I think the relationship needs a really long look at. It’s unfortunate that when babies appear, the bad stuff that didn’t seem over bad before, becomes massive.

Further to my last comment I saw you’ve added additional info and yes, he needs to either pay for a cleaner or do some cleaning. Dust up high! Honestly?! If it bothers him that much it would take him all of 10 mins to run and catch and trap around. This is a man who is losing the plot. He wants to find a sense of control, and to know his wife is 100% his! I’m honestly worried now you might have married my ex

Ha ha ha wha a crazy response. He’s an adult. If he was single he’d still come home from work and cook!! Although this one would probably crawl back to his mummy.

I work 2 nights a week so I can be home with my, now 3 1/2 year old. My husband comes home and sometimes feeds himself and (shock) will wash up or hoover! Because he’s a grown up.

Do you go around and check for dust in high up places when someone had a baby 4 months ago like OP’s partner does?
Do you bitch and moan about the quality of home cooked dinners you are served?
Do you refuse to do any of the night time wakeups?
He is an ass, don’t make excuses for him.

My husband questioned the housework situation once during mat leave. I asked whether it was maternity leave or housewife leave he thought I was taking. He didn’t ask again and started to pull his weight.

Sadly it sounds rather like your husband is a sexist arse who thinks having a baby turns you into staff. I doubt he’ll improve with time. Good luck.

Because he's a big dick, dicks generally hand less, and you need hands to operate a duster!

Because painting, spring cleaning (tops of doors and cupboards) and making not good enough for him banana bread isn't everyday housework.

Certainly not stuff most of us would be doing with velcro 4mth old baby.

He's a bully and trying to isolate Op. Who is rightly trying to build a network.

What's the bet mother in laws going ooohhh poor son I'll cook for you. She needs to stop interfering xx

OP. Your partner sounds like a narcissist and his awful mother is his enabler. They both need to fuck off out of your life.

Yep, the rare women who work with a stay at home partner get told how lucky they are!

The man is not expected to be a domestic slave on top of child rearing.

But it's something women can 'just' sort out in between childcare, personal care and generally tryng not to go nuts because suddenly your world has shifted on its axis, you're full of hormones and no longer have any adult company.

People telling others who are struggling that 'it's not that, hard' are, in my humble opinion, utter arseholes.

Yep the “just pop baby in a bouncer while you have a shower/run the hoover round/prep dinner” brigade.

you haven’t met my baby. I can’t do that. I literally can’t leave the room for seconds. I can’t put her down. At all.

as for the “why bother breastfeeding, you’re just making work for yourself. Just give bottles and then people can help you. It’s your fault for not accepting help”

they can fuck off too.

This is like reading my life 18 years ago while I was on Maternity leave with my oldest! I was told that it wasnt a holiday and because he was out at work, I should be at home doing housework and not go to the groups, also expect me to scrub the barhroom and checked for dust like your husband does. I used to go to the groups still but not tell him and then he would always phone to check where I was, ended up feeling very anxious about being secretive and ended up causing huge rows and him shouting all the time, how is he treating you other than that? We are no longer together due to conceive control in all areas of life. It took along time for me to see this and left 13 years after my 1st son was born. I would keep going to groups and speak to HV about anything going on at home if his is controlling in many other ways .

God forbid she should meet any other new mums in her area or access any early years services. That would just be wanton hedonism. Drinking coffee! She should be dusting those high shelves and wearing a hair shirt. 🙄

Since he thinks it is so easy to take the dog out with the baby in a pram, I’d suggest he takes the pram and baby on his dog walk allowing you some time to catch up on cooking or hoovering.

He is a twat and his mother is interfering. And he needs to stop running telling tales to mummy and checking for dust in high places. What a knob.

Keep going to your baby groups. I found them a lifeline with a small baby and am still friends with the mums I met then 18 years later

Did you miss: (a) the fact that Op has PND (post natal depression); (b) the fact that the baby groups were recommended by the health visitor as a way to improve Op’s mental health; (c) the fact that Op is cleaning the house, just not to her husband’s standards (eg insisting on top of cupboards ffs); (d) the fact that Op is cooking meals, eg home made soup or oven meals, but this isn’t good enough for her husband; (e) the fact that Op’s baby is colicky, which means the baby will scream A LOT and won’t really sleep (mine didn’t sleep for an hour solid at a time until they were two years old, and when they were awake they just screamed), which is really hard to deal with? Only your reply just ignores all of these factors as seems to presume that Op is sitting round with her feet up whilst her baby just sleeps in a bassinet!

Me too.
@Macaroni46 does spending two hours at a baby group bouncing your baby up and down in your arms whilst they scream NON STOP, and doing it on no sleep, sound like an easy time? I had so little sleep I sometimes started hallucinating, and had to beg my mum to take the baby out in the pram for an hour so I could sleep. The baby groups meant I could at least bounce a screaming baby whilst with other new mums, and feel like I wasn’t (literally or figuratively) alone. When I started back at work I would sit outside the nursery until a few minutes before closing time, because I was so dreading picking my baby up, because it was hellish. I loved her, and couldn’t help her, and she just screamed and was in pain from the colic and nothing helped. I contemplated suicide many, many times. Unless you’ve had a colicky baby and no help, you just have no idea how bloody awful it is. The baby groups aren’t a relaxing chit chat over coffee for ladies who lunch. They’re a life line.

Sorry, I know I’ve replied to one post twice, but it just brought back the hell that was the first two years of my child’s life, and made me so bloody angry.

Bless, what a nightmare, more than half your kids childhood ruined for you by a dick.
Glad you eventually got free of him.