To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

She is doing the small steps for her mental health though.

the baby groups are those small steps. The rest will come later.

giving up what is working for her to cater for her husbands demands will not help her MH. She needs the baby groups. She needs people, other mums to talk to, not being isolated at home getting into a skirting board dusting routine.

i had a challenging baby. I actually hated the baby groups, but they made a huge difference to my child. Getting out every day and taking her places was infinitely better for both of us than sitting at home trying to play fucking peek a boo while I tried to clean and she screamed for hours. Even tv and CBeebies was useless, she wouldn’t watch tv til she was over 3.

our routine was up at 6am. dressed, breakfast, out for a walk. Anywhere. Pram aerobics, library, park, cafe for a babycino. Baby groups. Anything other than the home environment entertained her.

the housework went to shit. Cooking an evening meal wasn’t happening.

if dh had suggested I need to stay home and start building my cleaning routine I may have needed a new patio. I found what worked and kept me and the baby sane. Fortunately he booked a cleaner instead- mainly because he hates housework and admits he’d rather pay someone to do it.

It would be acceptable if the man had carried a baby for nine months and given birth and was then caring for that newborn baby. Have men started gestating now? News to me if they have.

Just because your bar is that low doesn’t mean the OP’s has to be. It’s not a race to the bottom. And if all that a man working a standard job can “manage” is walking the dog then he’s not much of a man is he? I work full time and still have to cook, clean and do other chores at home - it’s called being an adult.

Yeah you read it wrong. Maybe read the full thread

You sound like you've got a bit of fight back.
When's your mum visiting?
You need her in your corner.

OP this sounds so awful! I really hope you are okay. Your husband sounds terrible to be honest. You’re both working all day in my opinion and chores should be spilt between you and picked up when they can but it’s way more important for you to prioritise your mental health and your baby. I’d ignore anyone saying otherwise. Ok you go to baby groups but is he saying he doesn’t take breaks at work or time for his lunch. He can’t be working every second of the day either. And it’s good for the baby to get them out the house too. That’s what mat leave is for taking care of the baby and bonding, not house work.

From your posts you already sound like you are doing more than I could achieve a lot of days on mat leave! I also had plenty of really hard mat leave days where going to work would 100% have been easier and my job isn’t stress free. The only days I got much done was when my mum came over to help and there was plenty of times I had to use that time to rest and nap and my husband would never have disputed that.

Look after yourself.

If I was out all day and came home to my husband who was struggling with his mental health, was trying to look after a baby and keep on top of everything generally?

i’d be saying it’s great you’ve found something that’s helping you. You sit and have a minute to reset while I put the baby to bed, then I’ll sort dinner. If my husband was struggling I’d be trying to do things like batch cook at the weekend, or have some easy, quick meals in. Or start with hello fresh or similar.

sometimes you take on a bigger share to help the other one out.

if dh broke his leg and had a hard day on the sofa watching Netflix, yes I’d absolutely come home from work and cook dinner. Because he is struggling, for whatever reason.

My husband would cook for ME!
He sounds very jealous that you have a social life outside of him to be honest. Treating you like Cinderella, if xyz doesn’t get done then you don’t get to go out. But the list never ends, so you never go out.
What about how stimulating and great baby groups are for baby? What does he want you to do just stick baby in a bouncer or in front of dancing fruit?!

Shocking behaviour and MIL is encouraging it.

Yes, no one ever thinks women who work need a slave at home to do all the housework and cooking.

I love your attitude "new patio" and husband "get a cleaner"
Mine was more entertained by the BBC News, and football than Ceebeebies.

I bet you have never done it.i found baby and toddler groups more difficult than many work meetings.

I think it’s all been said already but maternity leave is for looking after the baby anything else you get done is a bonus.
You are doing loads round the house and your meals sound tasty. The looking for dust and the painting is ridiculous.
When he accuses you of stating an argument what he really means is he thinks he can say anything he likes and you can’t say anything in return. He’s also falling back on accusing you of starting an argument because he can’t think of a counter argument because he’s wrong.
How has he been with you having friends/socialising before baby? It sounds like he started obsessing/micro managing housework/cooking after you started the groups. Is that because he secretly liked you being vulnerable and dependent on him for emotional support?
Same with the health visitor it seems supportive that he wants to attend but is he really trying to be supportive or is he trying to control/monitor what’s been said?
The MIL attitude is not helping. I know several boomers who say they regret prioritising keeping a spotless home over quality time with their babies. Baby groups were definitely a thing back in the day my mum took me to one and one of the ones i took my dd to had been going so long some of the mums went to it when they were children and some of the granny’s took their children and now their taking the grandkids.
I love your mum, she sounds hilarious. I get your point about how you wouldn’t like it if your MIL spoke to you like your mum speaks to your partner. I understand that it’s putting extra pressure on you and that you have enough of that from the partner and MIL. However, i would counter that with you are not acting the way your partner is, so there isn’t any reason for anyone to say anything to you.
Good luck OP

Exactly, and so many previously competent men seem to think their partner taking maternity leave is the perfect opportunity for them to regress into sulky, needy, incompetent children.

@Burnedoutmama , I have an 8mth old so a little further on from you.
I did not have a difficult birth, I did/do not suffer from pnd and my baby does not have colic - that is a hell of a lot you have going on😢
I have however had days where the house looked like a bomb hit it, me still un-showered, neither of us dressed, breakfast stuff still lying around and on these occasions my DH has come in, taken one look at me, taken the baby and sent me off to have a shower while he cleans/tidies and gets food sorted, be it cooking something or ordering in.
He has never ever expected a meal ready for him when he gets in and if he's had a particularly long day at work and hasn't eaten well, he will ring home to see if there is anything ready and if not he will sort it, either for himself if we are all fed or for all of us if not.
He is the one who organised a cleaner many years ago (we have 5 children) as he didn't want either of us having to spend our time at home/weekends catching up on OUR housework and cleaning.
Don't settle for less when you are worth more - and if he can't see that he doesn't deserve you.

@Burnedoutmama I’ve just read your full thread of replies & your husband & MIL sound awful! They are expecting waaay too much from you.

it is not your responsibility to ‘have a home cooked meal ready for your husband every night’. He is not a child & can make his own food. Your baby cannot. Your responsibility right now is healing from birth & keeping your baby alive. Better yet, helping your baby thrive with groups & experiences. Not doing things around the house or ‘looking after your husband’.

If anything your husband should be doing more to help look after the baby & you.

I think he needs a dose of newborn reality & look after the baby on his own for 48 hours & then see ‘how productive’ he is with regards to making home cooked meals, keeping on top of all housework & painting rooms….absolutely unbelievable. He doesn’t understand because he hasn’t done it yet. Let him see for himself if he doesn’t believe you.

the fact that you are even doing housework & also managing to get to baby groups is amazing for a first time mum!

Are people being deliberately obtuse? I was up with my baby from about 6.30 so had done nearly 4 hours by the time I got to my 10.30am baby class. Home by 1pm latest and then it was another 5 hours before DH got home. If he had then gone out again like the OP's partner we're at about 12 hours solo babycare. God forbid 2 of those is spent in company.

Because there are women like the Ops MiL who walk amongst us.
Who forget how hard having a new baby is. And like to shit on others.

@Burnedoutmama I've just noticed your username.
No blinking wonder you feel burnt out. Baby's are 24hr demanding wee things (good job they are cute). And you have an a-hole of a partner whos thinks hes there to inspect the place.
I have no doubt he is the source of your depression.

Was he always this nasty?

My mum was a different generation.

the advice when she had me was bottle feed, bf is unhygienic, feed strictly every four hours. They should be sleeping through by 6 weeks.

if they cry put them in their pram at the bottom of the garden. They’ll soon “learn” it won’t get them attention.

so modern parenting, bf on demand, not leaving them to cry etc was very alien to my mum. She thought I was choosing to make my life difficult, rods for my own back etc. she was also brought up in an era where women deferred to men, and the husbands needs were often prioritised over everyone else’s. I know she thinks it’s my job to cook and clean, and men “can’t”.

so sometimes I can understand. But her dh should be telling her to butt out.

This exactly! Parking whether OP should be doing any cooking and cleaning, the time taken to go to baby groups is not the issue!

My bars not low but even you have just said that you still cook clean etc it’s called adulting she’s socialising with coffee 5 days a week toilets etc not getting cleaned in her own home I understand she’s not his housemaid but if she’s not getting the basics done in her own household maybe it could be a bigger factor like post natal etc

She is getting the basics done... he wants her dusting on top of the cupboards and decorating. That's not basics.

ETA: Yes, the OP has PND and the baby is colic. Thats pretty much the entire context of the thread

Why doesn't he clean?

He is an adult too. She does cook

Oh right. That's interesting because Nannies get paid around £18 an hour to look after a baby and they don't clean your house or make your dinner, they're not recovering from giving birth and they have all evening off. I guess Nannying is just a really easy job.