To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Good for you, it wasn’t for me.
We need to recognise that there isn’t a universal experience of motherhood and maternity leave. Some women find it difficult and that’s okay.
We should offer support instead of pulling them down.

Hopefully she can start to see what he is now and definitely have no more children with him. Ideally leave him.

I’m not pulling OP down and without doubt her DH is abusive. However, I don’t accept that looking after a baby is always harder than working.

But nobody said it was ALWAYS harder.
People are saying that just because you found it easier than work, doesn't mean everyone does and that's perfectly normal.

Ok, fair point. However, I do think that a compromise could be reached in OP’s case. 5 groups a week is a lot. I suggested up thread that she drop one. Because I don’t accept that going to a baby group equates to work and that the parent who is at home should pick up some of the housework.
Evenings, when OP’s husband is home and weekends should be shared. But I do think she could be doing a bit more. Not painting or dusting up high, but cleaning toilets and cooking the odd meal, yes.

But she does cook meals, @Macaroni46 - and then her husband criticises them - eg. the spicy chicken burgers she made.

Have you not read the thread? She does cook meals. He complain about his lunches so she made soup. He complained again. She made chicken burgers but he complained his mate gets curries made for him.

Are you not reading what OP is writing?

Why drop one?
Its good for her and baby to get out the house every day. Baby groups sort of give you that structure and somewhere to aim for and somewhere to go.

The days I didn't have groups the day would just disappear it would be 3 pm and I'd be I need to get ready and out.

He's criticising and moaning at her because he's trying to grind her down put her in her place.
Probably as his Dad did to his mother. Hence they both think its acceptable

She does clean and cook... he just berates what she cooks. I don't think you've fully understood the thread.

I agree. I certainly didn't do 5 baby groups anymore week, but there wasn't that many available to me.

But I had to have some sort of structure to my days so on the days we didn't have baby groups, I would go out and do the shopping or even just head out for coffee myself.

Getting out of the house meant I had something to strive for. So I knew we had to leave the house by 10am then I had to have the washing done and out on the line by the 9.30 to give me time to feed and change baby before getting in car etc.

If I was at home all day I'd just say "I'll do that shortly" and probably never get round to it.

No words………..

Several posters coming across as handmaidens.

OP I hope that things change for you after your chat, but I do suspect that they won't.

You REALLY need to lock down your contraception as a priority. It's odd that he's desperate for another baby when he berates your coping skills now, as well as the fact that your body is still recovering physically from a traumatic delivery, don't you think? It's almost like he knows how much harder it would be for you to leave with 2 small children when you're financially dependent on him, or even how much harder it would be for you to make it out to your groups that have been so vital in helping your mental health.

I also agree with you that your mum actually isn't helping by snarking at him. She is actively helping him to get you to think she shouldn't visit, shouldn't stay. Get her to understand that.
Don't misunderstand that I don't agree with her because I do.
I absolutely think you should leave and mum can be vital in this but in the background. Winding him up makes your life harder and actually less inclined to be honest with her.

Please try to see your health visitor alone while your mum has the baby and tell her everything. HV can be a real support to you.

Going out of the house five days a week is not "a lot" if you have a baby. It is good for the baby and good for the mother and much more important than dusting. It is maternity leave not house cleaning leave.

I disagree.

o/p is going through a shit time with a small baby.

her dh should be doing everything he can to support her and help her through it. If that means encouraging baby groups and picking up all the housework while she focuses on herself and baby so be it. He’s an adult man, unlikely he’s working long days down the mines. He can come home and cook dinner for his struggling wife.

it’s a phase. It won’t be forever, and once she’s recovered they can split things more fairly.

if he insists she drop her groups and stop doing the things that are helping her recover then it may end up getting worse, and then the cupboard tops definitely aren’t getting cleaned.

again, compare it will any other illness. Broken leg, d&v bug, migraine. Does a loving partner tell there wife to rest up and get better, or do they start berating them because the cupboards aren’t cleaned and dinner isn’t cooked to their satisfaction?

if o/p was fit and healthy, and choosing to neglect housework for long lunches
and spa days, he may have a point. But she’s ill. She needs help to get better.

I want to illustrate that it doesn't need to be like this op and how you're being treated is wrong. This isn't about rubbing it in, but showing you deserve much better, your partner should be living and supportive and helping you, not making things more difficult.

I had my ds young and really struggled adjusting to motherhood. My partner encouraged me to go to groups, he came with me the first time as I was anxious about it, even though that was a bit uncomfortable for him. Before he left for work he'd do a load of washing and when he made his packed lunch he'd make extra and leave it in the fridge for me to make sure I was getting something to eat during the day. He'd tell me not to worry about the housework and we could sort it together after work or at the weekend - sometimes I'd manage it, sometimes I wouldn't. If I didn't have time to cook dinner then he didn't moan, we'd just have something quick and easy instead.
My children are now teens but I realise what an absolute rock and support he was during that time when I could have spiralled and struggled. Think about what kind of role model you want for your child.

Also if youre going back to work after mat leave (you should!) your DP will need to step up then as it's impossible to do everything at home, care for a baby and work! It doesn't sound like he will be the kind of man that be willing do that.

Have you even read how much she already tries to do and he complains? I can’t get my head round your responses to a struggling new mum. You don’t think being at a baby group would be any kind of work but what about the hour her husband probably gets for his lunch every day. How is that different…oh wait he doesn’t have to look after a baby at the same
time..

I really don't get why people think going to baby groups every day is a bad thing. OP's baby is 4 months old,ie born in Dec / early January. Getting out each day from the house is part of basic good mental health hygiene even if you are not on the verge of PND. Difficult with a baby in bad weather so what do you do - you go to baby groups.

My DD was a september baby and I made it an aim to be out of the house every day - 2-3 groups a week and then "highlight of the week" trips to the supermarket. It was good for us both

So people - Back off about the baby groups. These have been recommended by the HV for the sake of her mental health. This new Mum needs support and sadly she's not getting it from her DP, so she's come here.

The top 2 things that negatively effect my mental health are a disorganized home and a bad relationship with my husband. So I prioritise them and have pretty good mental health most of the time.

Yes I do think fair as other people point out i am not a houseslave when going on maternity leave i didnt once have conversations that I would do everything
Stupid man thinking I am little woman and should do all

@TidyRaven

what about stuff like your hobbies? Exercise? Going out with friends? Do they not help your mental health too?

Not invalidating your experience, but so many women get labelled with PND when it would be more accurate to describe them as suffering from Shitty Husband Syndrome™️

Looking after a baby is a full time job - all births, all babies are different. your partner can absolutely get in the bin. I had the same issue and we got a cleaner. £25 a week is well worth my mental health and my husband DID THE REST in the end as I WAS LOOKING AFTER THE BABY. Please be kind to yourself - your mother in law is a horror and that would be a cut them out of my life for the next year at least moment for me.

Her house isn't unorganised, and her DH is a prick.... any other stupid comments?

Ok get your husband to take a week off whilst your mum is down. Leave him for the full week with the baby whilst you go away on holiday (sounds like you are not breastfeeding?). See how much housework he manages. Expect dinner ready when you get back.